Lucky
by Jesna22
Summary: Ben discovers that the Bond between him and Rey is more than it seems. He refuses to tell her for fear of being rejected again. 1st person, Reylo, Slow Burn
1. Lucky

"I'll destroy her, and you, and all of it." I'd vowed, the words tasting like lies even as they came off of my tongue. I'd never be able to fight her, or even raise a hand to her. That's why I'd fought so hard to pry my grandfather's lightsaber from her grasp. I knew, as soon as she used the Force to take it from me, that if she had it, and she left, she'd be my enemy. And, ultimately, my downfall. Because I'd destroy myself before I destroyed her.

Even Luke knew I was a liar, shaking his head and saying "No."

I charged, feeling knee wobbling relief when I thought I'd actually killed him, and gut wrenching terror when I turned around to find him standing behind me, still in one piece.

It was then that I realized he'd sacrificed himself to confront me once last time. And, not because he loved or cared for me, as an uncle, or, hell, even a master should do, but he did it to give Poe and the other rebels a headstart to get away from me and my forces. Or, what was left of them.

I shut my eyes against the painful memory. Not because half of my army was dead or destroyed, but because the ship had been split in two when the Force split the lightsaber. When I'd offered everything I had to Rey, and she'd refused. It felt as if I'd been split, too.

Hux followed me into the crumbling rebel base until I motioned for him to stand back, and I didn't miss the daggers he stared into me, I just chose to ignore him. Wasn't the first, and wouldn't be the last.

While Hux wasn't the strongest or smartest of the pack, he had the patience to deal with the troops that I didn't and the ruthlessness needed to train them to follow me. Supreme Leader.

My skin crawled.

I'd worked my life for this title. I'd just killed for it, and offered the blood soaked throne to my...my what? Not my anything.

The command room was empty, as I suspected, but a glint of gold caught my eye.

I bent down, and picked up the dice that had been dipped in gold and strung together.

I'd known these dice for as long as I could remember. They were Han's lucky dice. The dice he'd played to win his Millennium Falcon.

As I held them in my hand, an unwelcome memory invaded my mind.

I was about thirteen, all knees and elbows and too big feet to match my grossly disproportionate ears. My mother had finally agreed to let me grow my hair to try to hide them, and made me slick it back for the gala. I wore my black tuxedo, which was getting to be too small, the sleeves riding up to show the bones of my wrists.

My mother shined in the middle of the room in a glittery silver gown, her chestnut colored hair swept on to one shoulder. She laughed and danced, utterly at home surrounded by the politics and old money of upper class society.

I saw my father exit through a side door and followed, as he made his way to his bedroom he shared with my mother.

He took his jacket off and hung it over the back of an arm chair before he sat in the matching chair across from it.

"I hate these things." He said, bending over to unlace his shoes.

"The gala or the shoes?" I asked and he looked up at me, his forehead puckered.

"All of it." He said, flatly. He took one shoe off and dropped it to the carpeted floor with a thud. "To these people I'll never be anything but a scoundrel who married above my level." Another thud as he dropped his second shoe and leaned back, loosening his tie.

Scoundrel? My dad was everything I wanted to be. I tried to walk as confidently as him, shrug as carelessly as him, and speak as smooth as him. He wasn't a scoundrel, he was my hero.

"Then, why do you do it?" I wanted to know.

Han looked up at me. "For your mother." He said, as if it should have been obvious.

Yes, that should have been obvious. My mother. He'd do anything for my mother. He'd dress in suits he hated, attend parties he loathed, with people he despised, if it meant making my mother happy.

"Do you ever miss it?" I asked, and Han raised his graying eyebrows. "The smuggling." I clarified.

"Everyday." He confessed.

"Then, why did you give it up?"

Han sat back up and leaned forward, putting his elbows on his knees. "Someday, kid, when you're grown, and you've left and you're on your own, you'll have all these ideals of what you believe life is about. And, you'll think you're happy, living your life the way you think you've always wanted. But, then, if you're lucky, you'll meet someone who makes you realize all your ideals are bullshit, and she'll deflate your ego and call you out on all your selfish double standards, and you won't be able to imagine your life without her."

I made a face. "That doesn't sound very lucky."

"You say that now." He said, softly. "But, if you're really lucky, you'll willingly walk away from something you love," He reached into the pocket of his dress slacks and pulled out his golden dice. "To something you love even more." And tossed them across the room to me.

My spine prickled, bringing me out of my memory, and I looked up, knowing I'd find her.

She met my gaze unflinchingly. I should have been angry. Anger was familiar to me. Comforting even. But, as the door closed, and she faded from my sight, I realized exactly what my father had been talking about all those years ago.

I didn't want what I'd worked my life for, the title I'd just killed for, the power or the throne.

I wanted her.

Lucky?

Not exactly the word I would have picked.

And, as the dice disappeared out of my hand, I curled my gloved fingers around my empty palm, deciding then and there while I didn't know when, and I didn't know how, I'd find a way to be really lucky.


	2. Prior

We returned to the Finalizer and I didn't have much of a choice but to throw myself into my new role as Supreme Leader. The constant stress and strain was better than finding myself thrown into memories of who I used to be. Or, what was worse, visions of what I could have been.

Memories of my childhood were common. Of Leia, young and beautiful, beaming down at me with her wide toothy grin, and of Han, strong and handsome, smiling proudly when I leaned how to fly the Falcon, or put together an engine. It was only when they discovered how powerful I was that Leia's grin, and Han's pride seemed to dwindle. Replaced with hushed whispers behind closed doors, as if I couldn't hear what they were thinking. They feared me, feared my ability. "There's too much Vader in him." I'd heard Han say one night, and it broke me.

After...well, after what happened with Luke, I'd turned to Vader as a guide to the dark side. The path to the dark had always been a constant struggle for me, and I'd tortured, maimed and killed to try to eradicate the light that had always been there. Now, I think that the voice I was so sure was my grandfather, was actually Snoke. Manipulating me was always what he was best at.

I could handle the memories, even the good ones.

But, the visions? The future that I could have had? They nearly killed me every night. And, when I'd wake up, drenched in sweat, heaving as I tried to catch my breath, and clawing at my aching chest, I'd prefer if they actually had.

It wasn't just memories of battlefields, or lifeless bodies I'd just hacked to death at my masters bidding that effected me that way. No, it was also visions of Senator Amadala-Skywalker-Organa-Solo.

The weight of my pedigree was not oblivious to me. I knew exactly who I was, and the life I'd chosen to walk away from.

It never bothered me until...

Until I'd offered the entire Galaxy to her and she'd refused.

A shiver went down my spine and I winced, realizing that I'd let my thoughts wonder to her, again. I looked up, knowing I'd find her, and couldn't help the catch in my breath when her eyes met mine.

The Force connected us anytime I let myself think of her, which was growing embarrassingly more frequent.

She ignored me most of the time, and I pretended not to notice her until the bond closed. But, today...

Today, she was seated at a desk with several books opened before her. Her hair was down, framing her face, and she wore a simple grey dress, that covered her from her collar bone, to her wrists, then down to her ankles.

Kriff, she was beautiful. Even as she huffed in frustration and looked back down at the opened book in front of her.

After several seconds of blankly staring at the book, she looked up, irritation lacing her features.

"Go away." She said.

I pretended that didn't sting and sighed, seemingly unaffected. "You know I can't control this anymore than you can."

"Try." She snapped, and went back to her book.

She turned a page, and her honey brown eyes searched it over before she signed again and looked up at me.

The past several weeks had been nothing but annoyed glances and angry words between us.

I'd told myself I'd leave her alone. That she deserved to be happy, she'd worked so hard and been given next to nothing. And, it was obvious that she'd never find that happiness with me. _You_ are _a monster_ , her words ringing in my ears as if she'd just said them. So, I'd kept my distance.

And, I should have let her ignore me until the Bond closed but, I swallowed my pride with an audible gulp and asked "Why couldn't you have just taken my hand?"

She blinked, and looked up at me, shock widening her eyes. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me." I said, refusing to repeat myself.

"Why couldn't you have called off the attack on the fleet?" She threw back at me and I scoffed at her question.

"Why would I save people who's sole purpose is to destroy me?" And her eyes narrowed in distaste.

"Your mother was on those transports!" She yelled, and her words caught me off guard.

I felt my eyebrows pull together. "Rey, my mother is dead. I saw the shot that killed her." I didn't add that I'd found the trooper that had fired that shot and nearly beat him to death with my bare hands. If Hux hadn't stepped in, I would have. I'd wanted to. And, after, when I retired to the solitude of my rooms, I'd sobbed like...like a boy who'd just lost his mother.

Rey shook her head. "No, she isn't." Then she squared her shoulders, looking down her nose at me. "No thanks to you."

My mother is alive? Relief shook me to my core and I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to regain my wits. "I didn't know." I whispered, and she looked at me, her forehead puckered in confusion. "A trooper fired on the bridge when my mother was on it. Blew the whole thing out. I'd thought-" I stopped. It was obvious what I'd thought.

Rey chewed on her bottom lip, studying me. "If you had known," She asked. "Would you have called off the attack?"

I knew what she must be thinking. She'd watched me kill Han. And, she'd already been clear with what she thought of me. But, the truth was, I was so sure that killing Han would free me of the light. I'd been wrong. And, I hadn't been able to be the one to fire that shot at the bridge.

I nodded. "Yes."

Rey looked down at the book in front of her for a long moment, and when she looked up, her eyes were glistening. "I didn't want to be your empress." She said.

Because why would she want a monster?

I shook my head at her answer, my own eyes burning. "I offered you everything I have. Everything I am."

"No." She shook her head. "No, you asked me to rule next to Supreme Leader Ren."

Before I could stop myself, I yelled "That's me!"

"No!" She slammed both of her hands on the desk in front of her, and shot up, meeting my gaze with fury in her honey brown eyes. "No! That is not who you are, and that is not who I want."

 _You **are** a monster_.

My anger withered and died when I remembered the words she'd said to me. I didn't understand why she was able to affect me in such a way. She should have infuriated me more, but for some reason, it was nearly impossible to be angry with her.

I shook my head, the fight in me gone. "You don't know what you want."

She didn't flinch as she stared into my soul. "Yes, I do." She insisted, cooly.

She blurred from my vision. I blinked, looking at the grey wall of my bedroom and could have sworn I heard her whisper through The Force.

"Ben."


	3. Glitter (12-22 18:45:04)

It was nothing new to be awoken by my own nightmares, but when I opened my eyes, seeing nothing but the still darkness of my own bedroom, I was still in her nightmare with her.

I could feel the scorching sand burning through the simple shoes she wore, and the blistering sun over her head.

I felt the angry growl of her empty stomach, as her aching legs carried her across the desert, the strap of her bag biting into the bare flesh of her shoulder.

I saw things I didn't understand, like a thousand lines carved into a deteriorating wall of an At-at.

She'd learned how to fight to defend herself from other scavengers who'd tried to take her days earnings, and from older men who'd tried to do worse, that grotesque slime that owned her beating her for bloodying a patrons nose once when he'd gotten too handsy for Rey's liking. I felt her curl into a ball as, what was that creature's name? Plutt? whipped her with a cane, telling her how foolish she was for not giving him what he wanted. A man like that could have given her all the portions she could ever need.

I heard Rey's sharp intake of breath as she also woke, and held my breath, waiting for her reaction.

A brief moment of silence passed before I heard her start to gently sob into her pillow, her thoughts screaming at me through our...bond? Was that what was between us?

She hated Jakku, her childhood that had been stolen by that miserable sandbox, and Plutt. She hated looking at the blue lines that crisscrossed her arms, marking her as a slave. She hated having to cover their ugliness.

So, that's why she wears those sleeves. I'd often wondered that.

But, most of all, she hated the parents that sold her. That had so carelessly discarded her with a promise of "Some day." That she'd stupidly believed.

She cursed her naivety, and the years she'd wasted waiting on them to come back for her.

Her thoughts took me back to my own childhood. Of watching my mother at her galas and seminars, waiting for her to notice me. The decades of empty promises of "Some day." When she could find time for me. Of watching my father's back, disappear into the distance, as he went off smuggling, with that trademark Solo walk. I guess it skipped a generation.

I had spent most of my childhood being ignored and lied to, so it was no surprise that I'd spent most of my adulthood angry, trapped in bitterness and resentment. Snoke had fed on that, and used it to manipulate me to do his bidding.

But, Rey? Rey wasn't angry, or bitter or resentful. Not yet.

She was heartbroken.

She'd finally started to grieve the childhood that she never got to have.

And, I knew how she was feeling all too well.

She sniffled and asked "Are you there?" Her small voice breaking the still between us.

Could she sense me? As I could sense her?

"Yes." I answered. I'd never lied to her, and wasn't going to start now.

"How much of that did you see?" She wanted to know, and I could hear the tears shake her voice.

Was she going to be mad at me for seeing her most personal memories? For seeing things she'd never shown anyone? For knowing about her slave markings, that she was so embarrassed of?

I decided then that if she lashed out at me, I'd take it. Better for her to use me to vent her anger than to bottle it up like I did for so long.

"I saw all of it." I confessed, and waited for her reaction.

A silent beat passed before she took a shaky breath "How could you hate your parents so much, when you actually had them?" He voice broke, and she started weeping again, each sob feeling like a punch in my gut.

How could I make her understand? How could I get passed her own torment to make her see mine? To make her understand that my parents abandoned me, too, even though they were just a hallway away.

When her crying subsided, I swallowed, "Let me show you." I offered.

She sniffled again, and I could hear the rustle of her sheets as she moved in her bed. "Okay." She said, and I sent her my own memories.

She saw me as a child, with a mess of ebony hair, standing in the corners of a hundred different ballrooms, as Han and Leia danced and smiled at each other, seemingly not having another care in the world, save for each other. "They don't love you." A voice whispered to me. "They never did. They never will."

She saw me playing with my friends, lifting them up with a power only I possessed, and my mother turning bone white when she caught us, making me promise not to use the ability again, for anything. "She doesn't want you to be happy." The voice said. "She's jealous of your power, but I could teach you."

She saw a teenaged boy, gangly and awkward with his too long legs and elbows that stuck out. My mother had taken something away from me as a punishment, and, in my anger, I'd balled up my fists, crushing the vase of flowers next to her by accident, not yet knowing how to control myself. Water and tulips and shards of glass went everywhere and my mother had gasped and looked up at me with true terror. "She's afraid of you." The voice growled. "And, she'll send you away."

She'd done just that, sending me away from the only life I'd ever known, when I needed her the most.

I'd needed her to see that Snoke had been in my head for as long as I could remember. I'd needed her to protect me, as her child, and she hadn't. She'd been too busy to even notice.

Two fat tears slipped down the sides of my face as I retreated from Rey's mind, and we laid in the darkness for several minutes.

"Is it wrong to miss my mother?" She asked, her voice breaking again.

I shook my head, though I know she couldn't see me. "No." I missed mine. Despite everything, I missed my mother. I wanted to end this war, to abandon my title as Supreme Leader, to be no more than Ben Solo, and go home.

"Then, why don't you?" Rey demanded.

I hadn't realized she could hear my thoughts and felt a blush burn my cheeks.

"It's not that simple." I told her. The war would rage until one side was destroyed. I couldn't walk away from the juggernaut that I'd helped create. I'd thought I'd killed Ben Solo long ago, and thought that I wanted to be Kylo Ren.

"But, you don't?" She asked, making me blush again, and before I could stop myself, I thought _not if that's not who you want._

I cursed myself, my body tensing as I waited for her response.

"I want peace." She said at length, and I sighed in relief. "I want a home." She continued, "And, a family. I want other children like me to not have to grow up the way I did."

"And you think that to have these things, you have to destroy The First Order?" _That you have to destroy me?_

"Don't I?" She countered.

"No." I answered, too quickly. I wanted her to have everything she wanted. I wanted her to never be hungry again. I wanted to fly to that miserable sand box she grew up in and run my lightsaber through anybody who's ever touched her.

I wanted to end this war so she could have peace, and a home, and a family. And, I was willing to give that to her, I'd offered that to her.

We both winced at the memory.

Several silent moments passed before she spoke again.

"Are we going to wake up tomorrow and go back to hating each other?"

"I can't hate you." I groaned. "Believe me, I've tried."

She chuckled, and I smiled, closing my eyes, letting the sound fill my head.

Her soft laughter faded away, and I opened my eyes to find the Bond had closed.

I sighed heavily and searched the ceiling above me as the hollow ache her absence gave me crept into my chest.

Perhaps that's why I couldn't hate her. Because my body knew I needed her.

Or, perhaps it went deeper than that.

Perhaps we were Force Bonded.

No, I refused to think that.

The Force had already shown it's plan for me, as the leader of the First Order. As the emperor of the Galaxy. _I don't want to be your empress_ , her words nearly ripped me in two.

I glanced over at the ancient digital clock on my nightstand and groaned. There was no way I was getting back to sleep, so I got up, and moved into the refresher to start my day.

I set the water temperature and stepped into the waiting steam, letting it relax my tired shoulders, and achy spots.

Rey's words wouldn't leave me.

She wanted a home.

That much was obvious. She'd spent her life in a rotting At-at, and now, she'd been alternating staying on the base, and sleeping on the Falcon.

Rey's light, her signature, was like a beacon to me. I'd known she'd been at the rebel base on Datooine for months now, and had purposefully kept my men as far away from her as possible.

I'd even gone so far as sending troops to long abandoned bases on distant planets, knowing they'd come up empty handed, but still flying into a tantrum whenever they did.

I still had appearances to keep.

The incident with the trooper that I'd thought had killed my mother was bad enough, but I had exactly no idea how I'd explain what I'd do if anyone tried, or worse, actually succeeded in harming Rey.

For now, my efforts to cripple the search for her would have to be enough.

I turned off the water, and slicked my hair out of my face, turning to exit the refresher and grab my towel, when I stopped, my eyes meeting Reys, as she stared at me with her mouth agape.

I quickly wrapped the towel around myself and she muttered an apology and turned her head, bringing a hand up to cover her eyes, her face now a deep crimson.

I'm sure it matched my own. I knew the Bond opened whenever I thought of her, and carelessly had done so now, of all times.

"Sorry about that." I said, calling my thin black robe to my outstretched hand and slipping it on, securely tying the sash around my waist.

"No, I got up too." She told me, her hand still over her eyes. "I couldn't sleep."

Her thoughts were a jumble of emotions that came at me through our...connnection in a soft roar. Mostly, she was absolutely mortified. She'd never seen a nude man, and knew she should have looked away sooner out of respect, but couldn't make herself tear her eyes away from...

Force, is that what I looked like?

"Get out of my head!" She yelled. I didn't think it was possible, but the red of her face darkened.

"I'm sorry." I apologized again. "I can't--you're basically screaming at me."

She sighed in frustration, and moved her hand away from her face to cross her arms over her chest, her eyes still squeezed shut.

I noticed then that she was wearing a tan colored shirt and black leggings. Her hair was pulled back into a messy bun, pieces of it sticking out in disarray.

"You can, uh...I'm..." I stammered.

She opened one eye and peaked over at me sideways, then rolled her eyes when she saw what I was wearing. "Of course your robe is black."

Wait, _what_?

That's the only thing she had to say?

"I can't really be dark and menacing in any other color." I pointed out. "You think that ten thousand storm troopers are going to take orders from some guy wearing mauve?"

Her eyebrows pulled together. "What's mauve?"

Of course she didn't know what mauve was.

"It's pink." I told her.

Rey shook her head in dismissal. "Uh, Snoke's robe was gold, and, if I'm not mistaken, glittery." She shot back, the look on her face challenging me.

She always challenged me. No fear. Maybe that's why we were...connected. Because she called me on my bullshit and I couldn't be mad at her.

My father's words about luck echoed in my head and my mood soured.

"Glitter isn't my thing." I said, my voice low, and I walked passed her, out of the refresher and into my bedroom.

Rey's mind went back to her years on Jakku. Anything that glittered to her was usually an item she could salvage for a weeks worth of portions, or, more precious, water.

Rey loved glitter.

"Is there a way to..." She asked.

"Keep me out?" I finished for her, looking over my shoulder to meet her gaze.

She set her jaw as she stared at me. "It goes both ways." She said. "I'm sure you don't want me hearing everything that crosses your mind." She looked down at her hands. "Like knowing I'm on Datooine, but sending your troopers to Fandèlane." She chewed on her bottom lip for a moment, and looked back up at me. "Why would you do that?"

I turned my head to avoid her gaze and ground my teeth together, forcing myself to think of The Battle Hymn of The Republic in an attempt to keep the answer from her.

"We could think of a way." I muttered.

"To end the bond?" She asked, and my head snapped up, panic creeping into my mind.

"Do you want to end the bond?" I demanded.

"No." She answered immediately and I relaxed, looking back down at my bed.

An awkward silent moment passed between us as I went back to the Battle Hymn.

"I'll come up with something." I promised, not looking behind me.

I could fell when the bond closed, and checked to make sure she was gone before groaning and falling back into my bed.

"Smooth, Solo." I sighed. "Real smooth."

Rey's faint whisper of a giggle mocked me.


	4. Bonded

I threw myself into research, spending days in the archives of the Empire, looking at every relevant mention of what was between Rey and me.

I'd tried my best to to not think of her, focusing on my reading to keep the Bond closed, and I'd seen her only a handful of times. I'd look up and see her going about her normal routine, or sense her close.

Things between us since our last...encounter were strained. Understandably so. And, it seemed she was trying her best not to think of me, just as I was trying to keep my mind off of her. A fact that had the corners of my mouth twitching upwards.

I'd found mentions of Bonds between Master and Padawan, where the pair were able to share feelings, thoughts, and images. This became particularly handy in battle, and, though I'd offered her such a pairing, that wasn't our Bond. Mostly because I wasn't a Master.

 _You **are** a monster. _

The memory of her words caused my breath to hitch, but I ignored it.

Force-bonding was a skill given to some Force users. An ability available to them alone. I'd considered this, that perhaps this is what the Force had gifted Rey with, but She wasn't able to communicate with everyone. Just me. So, I moved on.

It was possible to manipulate the Force, and use a Bond to intrude into another's mind and take their knowledge and memories.

While this may have been how Snoke first bridged our minds, it was clear that our Bond was more than a manipulation, now.

And, I'd killed Snoke myself, blaming Rey for the act later on, knowing that if Hux had known he would have slaughtered me where I stood.

I wasn't oblivious to the fact that he'd just as soon drive a dagger between my shoulder blades now, given the opportunity, but I'd saved myself with that lie.

At least for a while.

Cowardice?

Perhaps.

But, I hadn't planned on him ever finding her. And, I'd spend the rest of my life sending him on wild banther chases, if that's what it took to keep her safe.

"Keep me safe from what?" Rey asked, and I jumped, my lightsaber flying to my hand on reflex.

She looked up at me with annoyance.

I sighed, and put my weapon away, muttering an apology.

"Hux." I answered, honestly, watching her as she walked around the desk I was seated at and sat down across from me.

"Yes, I've heard stories about him." She said. She remembered that Dameron and FN-2187 referred to him as "Sideburns" and I had to cough to cover a laugh.

"Have you found anything?" She asked, and I shook my head.

"Nothing described as what's...happening with us." I told her. "Everything I've found is just hearing each other's thoughts or feeling each others feelings. Not seeing each other, and not being able to touch each other."

Our minds went back to that night on Ahch-To and we both blushed and looked away.

"How do those who are bonded control it?" She wanted to know.

I sighed and shook my head, again. " I don't know."

She absentmindedly started drumming her fingers on the desk top, and I looked up, noticing that her hands were dirty, grit caked under her nails. Her face was also smudged and glistening, her hair pulled back into a single messy bun.

 _What the..._

"There are half rotted ships in the yard on Datooine." She explained, hearing my pondering. "I've been finding pieces we can salvage."

I felt my eyebrows pull together. They had her working? In a junk yard? Like some common-

"Scavenger?" She finished and I ground my teeth together.

"You're more than that." I said, my voice low.

She leaned back into her chair. "Yes, well, being the last Jedi really isn't a job. And, I have to earn my keep."

I thought of all the credits I could give her. More credits than she'd ever seen. More credits than she could ever spend in one lifetime. She'd never have to work. She'd never be hungry.

Her stomach growled loudly and she looked down in shame.

I _hated_ her being hungry.

"I'll have something sent up." I told her.

"No." She protested immediately.

I hated that she would rather starve than accept my help.

"I'm not starving." She insisted. "There's a mess hall on base and I can eat anytime I'd like. Which is why I choose to work. I just can't keep taking what your mother gives me without pulling my own weight."

Not because my mother made her work, but because Rey had never been handed anything a day in her life, and she didn't know how to accept kindness. She didn't understand having room and board without having to work herself nearly to death to earn it.

Not that she needed a room on the base. She'd been sleeping on the Falcon, not in the Captains Quarters, but a bedroom down the hall.

I straightened when I recognized my old bedroom in her mind.

She was sleeping in my old bedroom on the Falcon.

Why?

Because it-

An image of toe fungus entered my mind.

"What?" I demanded, meeting her gaze, and she stared back at me, her cheeks tinted red, and her nostrils flared.

"Stay. Out. Of. My. Head." She growled.

I raised my hands in surrender. "I can't help what you send down the Bond."

She sent an image of a vulgar gesture that I was surprised she actually knew and a laugh erupted from my chest.

"I'm trying to find a way to control it." I reminded her.

"Getting tired of The Battle Hymn of The Republic?" She asked, dryly.

I shrugged and went back to my research. "It works."

She was silent for a long moment because she softly said "No, it doesn't." and I froze, feeling my blood rush to my ears.

"What?" I demanded, terror raising my voice several octaves.

"If we're already connected, it just keeps me from hearing exactly what you're thinking. But, not what you're feeling. And, I still see you, or what you're doing." She sucked on her bottom lip before continuing. "And, if we're not connected, I can still hear you, sometimes. Or...feel what you're feeling."

 _Kriff._

"What-?" My voice cracked and I cleared my throat. "What have you seen?"

She watched her fingers drum on the table before she laid her hands flat and looked up at me. "I've seen the nightmares." She confessed and I swear my stomach dropped into my boots.

"The-" My blood was roaring in my ears and I had to take a breath to keep calm. "Which nightmares?"

She sucked on her lip again, "Where you remember the people you've..." She trailed off and looked down at her hands.

"The people I've killed." I finished for her, my voice barely above a whisper.

She nodded, and her mind went to all the nights she'd had to watch me hack innocent people apart through the Bond. Men, women, children, their screams haunting me, tormenting me, the hundred different shades of red splattered along walls, grass, soil, me, my lightsaber smeared with it.

She'd been forced to watch me murder my father again and again, the thought making my stomach churn, and she'd also watched me jump out of my bed, and run toward the refresher, hurling my guts up night after night.

"I'm sorry." I said, brokenly. "I didn't know." Angry tears blurred my vision and I quickly blinked them away.

 _You are a monster_ , her words taunted me.

"No, you're not." She said, suddenly, and I looked up.

"Yes, I am." I said, repeating what I'd said to her that night. "That's why you refused my hand then, it's why you refuse it, now. It's why you choose to work in the scrap yards on Datooine instead of accepting what I could give you. What I _want_ to give you." The words were coming out of me now on their own accord, and I couldn't stop them. "You said you don't want to be my Empress, and why would you? How could you see what I've done and ever want any part of a creature capable of doing such things? How could you ever think of me as anything other than what I am?"

She met my gaze. "You're absolutely right." She said, and my heart shattered.

I let out a shaky breath, and looked down, tears threatening to return.

"But, that's not who you are, anymore."

I blinked, looking up, sure I couldn't have heard her correctly. "What?" I breathed.

She stood up and walked around the desk. "Supreme Leader Kylo Ren would have sent a raiding party to Datooine and cut down all the remaining members of the Resistance." She pointed out. "But, you kept your troopers away. You keep Hux away. You have never used our Bond to get intel or get the upper hand in the war we're still fighting." She stopped inches from me. "And, do you want to know why?"

"Because I'm not your enemy." I answered honestly, and she shook her head slightly.

"You've never been." She agreed. "But, it's because I'm not Bonded to Kylo Ren." She clarified. "I'm Bonded to Ben Solo."

My breath came out of me in one giant huff, and I felt my eyes grow wide.

There was one Bond I wouldn't research. Couldn't bring myself to dare to even consider.

Older than the first texts.

More sacred than marriage vows.

And, recognized by Force users and nonusers alike as the holiest of unions.

Unbreakable by even the most powerful Sith Lords.

A Bond where the Force chooses your mate for you, and connects you in all things.

A Mated Force Bond

I looked into the rich chocolate colored eyes of the most perfect woman I'd ever known. It was as if I'd dreamed her into existence. She matched me in every way, and was never scared of me, never looked at me with fear. Everyone else in my life was terrified of me, my power, of what I could do to them with a simple thought. But, not Rey. She looked at me like...like I was a man.

I think that's why I couldn't stay away from her.

No one ever looked at me like that.

But, there was no way The Force had mated her to _me._

And, if it had, why would she want this...mess? I was a mess.

I shook my head. "No."

She raised her eyebrows.

"We're not-" I watched her fade from my sight.

When she was gone, I buried my face in my hands.

No, not possible, out of the question. Out of the realm of possibilities.

Bonded? Obviously. But, a Mated Force Bond?

Absolutely impossible.

Absurd, even.

No.

I signed and turned to face my archive files. "A Mated Force Bond." I told the search.


	5. Not My Anything

I rubbed my forehead with my thumb and fingertips, taking several steadying breaths before looking at the data pad.

 _I'm only entertaining this so I can prove how ridiculous it is and then I'll go back to finding what is actually going on between us_ , I told myself and started to read.

A Mated Force Bond:

There had only been five confirmed mated bonds since the first written texts, making it the rarest bond in existence.

I scoffed at the information. _Like the Force would bestow such a gift on **me**._

This Bond happened when the Force itself chose two individuals as mates. They are equal in every way, often one dark user and one light user, and their coupling brings balance to the Force, and the individuals themselves.

Most Mated pairs choose to marry, taking traditional vows to be declared as husband and wife. These vows are nothing more than ceremony, since The Bond is unbreakable, once accepted.

 _Accepted?_ My forehead crinkled and I read on.

The Mating Bond must be accepted by both users, and can be refused by one or both. If refused, the connection is weakened, though not severed entirely. If accepted, the users are bound through the Force, and share thoughts, feelings, and have the unique ability to project to their mate with little to no effort. Because of this, the users often build mental barriers, or shields, to maintain some privacy from the other user.

My ears perked up at mental shields, since that's what I'd ultimately been looking for.

Shielding: Mental shields are a powerful defense against other Force users, especially those who possess heightened abilities with mind control.

To shield: One must work in themselves, building walls around their own minds. As one would build a wall of steal or stone around their bodies for protection, so is the same with a mental shield.

The data pad gave references for more reading and I made a note to look into it later.

One line I'd read earlier had caught my attention about the Mated Bond so I went back to it.

Mated pairs had the unique ability to project to their mate. With little to no effort.

Like taking a single step and being able to go from where ever I was, to where she was? Like looking up and finding her there?

 _No_. I stubbornly told myself and continued to read.

If a mate projects, they also have the ability to touch their mate, an ability that has not been witnessed outside of a Mated Force Bond.

My blood ran cold as I remembered that night on Ahch-to. Touch. During a projection.

My stomach churned. An ability not witnessed outside of a mated Bond.

And the reality I'd been fighting hit me like a slap in the face.

Mated. Mates. We were mates.

I was going to vomit.

"Ben?!" I heard her call, her voice like a beacon through the fog that now threatened to swallow me.

I looked up, the room spinning, and found her, her honey brown eyes locking with mine.

She reached for me and I jerked away, stumbling back.

"Ben, what is it?" She demanded.

Shield. I needed to shield. And, I did my best to put one up, using The Force to build a wall around my mind, as the data had suggested.

Rey straightened, her eyebrows pulling together. "You just..."

"I just what?" I asked, my voice thick. I cleared my throat. What had she heard? Did she know? I refused to let myself think of what I'd learned.

"You just...faded...from me." She finished.

Faded? The shield. Had it worked?

"Can you hear me?" I asked. My voice was still off, and I prayed she wouldn't notice.

Her eyebrows pulled closer together, and she squinted her eyes as she looked at me. "I hear what you're saying, but not what you're thinking."

Thank the Maker Above.

"I can still feel you." She went on. "I feel..." She chewed on her bottom lip as she concentrated. "Fear."

I pressed my lips into a thin line.

"Fear, and hope, and wonder, and doubt. It's bewildering." She shook her head slightly. "But, the only thoughts I hear are my own."

I stepped around her, going back to my datapad, and pulled up the resources for mental shields. "I found a way for us to have some privacy." I told her, stepping aside so she could see.

She started to read and I eased back into a nearby chair, raking my fingers though my hair. They were trembling, and I balled them into a fist to still them.

Mates. She's my mate. My Force chosen mate. My mate. My mate.

My stomach did a flip and I was sure I was going to hurl my lunch onto the black tile floor.

Rey looked over at me. "Are you sick?" She demanded, feeling my distress through the Bond.

I shook my head. "No." Not physically, at least. I'd just learned that The Force had bestowed it's greatest blessing on me, **_me_** , with a woman who absolutely hated me. Who thought I was a murderous snake. A monster.

Because I was.

I'd offered myself to her, and she'd refused. And, now...

Now, we were Bonded.

Hell, we could have been Bonded then, we just didn't know.

The Force had mated us, and we didn't have a choice.

No.

Rey had a choice.

And, she'd never choose me.

She'd gone back to reading, and I let out a shaking breath.

I felt her fade as well, and I looked up to see her still standing a few feet from me. I tried to go into her mind, and hit barriers of a pale beige, almost white material. When I looked closer, I saw that it was blocks made of sand.

Of course it would be sand.

I examined her walls. They were thin, and I was sure I could break through them if I really tried, but they did block me from hearing what she was thinking.

"That is so strange." She said, looking over at me. "I can feel you. Inside my mind. At my shield."

She eyed me curiously, and I felt her in my mind then, stopping at my own mental walls.

"It'll take practice," I said, tearing my gaze from hers. "We need to make them stronger."

Mated.

It explained so much. And, I'd been driving myself crazy for months, trying to figure out what it was about her. Why she affected me the way she did. Why I couldn't leave her alone and simply walk away, though I'd told myself I would again and again.

It was so simple, now.

She was my mate.

And, I would have known sooner if I hadn't been so damned stubborn.

"Will we have to have these shields up constantly?" She asked.

I nodded slightly. "Until we learn to control it, yes. I think that would be for the best."

She looked down, and chewed on her bottom lip before asking. "Did you find out what this is between us?"

I ground my teeth together, and I saw her eyes to go my jaw, to the muscles feathering there.

I can't tell her. She doesn't deserve to be mated to me. She deserves to be happy. She's worked so hard, and been given so little. The least I can do now is save her from having to reject me a second time.

"It's just a Force Bond." I told her, and my stomach dropped. It wasn't entirely a lie, but it was dishonest enough to make me feel like I was lying to her.

I'd never wanted to lie to her, and here I was.

Liar. she'd called me once.

 _Liar. Murderous snake. You **are** a monster_.

She sighed, and I remembered that she could still feel what I felt through the Bond. "Will you tell me what's wrong?" She asked, softly.

"No." My mood made my tone sharper than I intended.

"Is it really that bad?" She asked, and I looked up at her.

No. Being mated to Rey would have been the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me, and I let myself think, really think, about what it would be like to have her accept the Bond. To be able to have her at my side, as my equal, my partner, as the light that had saved me from the dark.

I wanted her. My entire being called out for her mind, body and soul.

But, that's not what she wanted. Not something she would ever want.

And, I sure as hell wasn't going to force it on her.

I knew that I couldn't tell her. Not now. Maybe not ever. She'd made her choice that night on The Supremacy.

I looked away. "It's complicated."

I'd shoulder the burden of this Bond, even if knowing about it destroyed me. For her.

"I wish you would tell me." She confessed and I let out a huff.

"No, you don't." Of that, I was sure.

"I wish you would trust me." She said, and I looked up, over at her.

Trusting her wasn't the issue, and she couldn't see that. I was protecting her. In the only way that I knew how.

She went on. "I understand why you don't. Why you wouldn't. We're enemies-"

"I am _not_ your enemy." I ground out, cutting her off.

"Then, what are you?"

 _Mate_.

She was my mate.

My mate.

No.

Not _my_ anything.

I watched her fade into the black of the walls around me as the connection closed and I jumped up, sending my fist through the nearest thing to me. The desk splintered and I sank heavily into my chair, raking my now throbbing fingers through my hair.

 _The hell are you doing, Solo?_


	6. Hush

The metal doors in front of me beeped before they slid open and Hux stepped in, his hands clasped behind his back.

He walked to the middle of the room and bowed his head respectfully. "Supreme Leader." He said, in greeting. His face was a mask of cool patience, as he waited for me to tell him why I'd summoned him. His mind, however, might as well have been screaming his distaste.

He hated me, hated having to address me by my title. He felt that he should be the one holding it, that he should be the one sitting on the throne I was seated on. And, he absolutely loathed how I'd redecorated the throne room. He allowed himself one quick glace around, and I watched his pale blue eyes come back to me. Saw the quick flash of resentment there before he composed himself and looked down at the floor.

"To what do I owe this honor?" He asked, and it sounded as if he nearly choked on the last word. He hated being summoned like a mongrel. Hated that he had to come to me when I summoned him.

It would have been so easy to goad him, but what I had to say was going to piss him off enough, so I decided against it and just got to the point. "Our search efforts in finding the resistance."

I'd done more research into the mated Force Bond in the past few weeks, foolishly thinking I could continue on with my life as if nothing had changed. In truth, nothing had changed between Rey and me. Since we'd learned to shield our minds, she was as silent as the grave, and The Force rarely connected us. But, I had been warned, by the data and texts I'd found, that the Bond would change us, and that it was useless to try to resist.

'Men of sense and education resort back to mindless barbarians' I'd read, and it had stuck with me. Mostly because I already knew it was true. Our Bond hadn't even been accepted yet, and she was still all I could think about. Was she safe? Was she hungry? And, if anyone threatened her...

Like the man standing in front of me for example.

If he, or one of his men, actually found her, it scared me to think of what I'd do, without thought, and without being able to control myself. I'd decided after reading this damning text to drop the facade.

"I want you to cease all your efforts." I told him.

As predicted, his face fell. "But, we're so close-" He retorted.

"No." I cut him off. "Your last several raids have been fruitless, and I cannot justify the waste of resources any longer."

 _Like the waste of resources on Crait?_ His mind countered, but he'd, wisely, kept that gem to himself.

"Yes," He agreed. "But, with the bases we've raided now destroyed, there's only so many other bases left for them to flee to."

"General Hux." I sighed, "I know you mean well." He sneered at that but I went on, "The rebels started running in the days of the Empire. And, with a galaxy full of sympathizers, this wild banter chase could go on for several more decades."

Hux set his jaw. "Forgive me, Supreme Leader." He said between clenched teeth. "But simply letting the killer of your predecessor roam free might be seen as weakness."

"Or as mercy." I said, and watched his face turn red with rage. I was tired and sick of fighting, sick of death and destruction. I hated reliving what I'd done in my nightmares, and hated hurling my guts up with the memories even more. But Hux lived for it, thrived off of it. His bloodlust was one of the main reasons I hadn't just walked away. The thought of him with the power and influence of Supreme Leader kept me up nearly as much as my nightmares did.

"I want the focus to be on rebuilding." I told him. "The galaxy already fears us, now I want to earn their respect."

" _Respect_?!" He gasped in outrage and his mind flung every bit of hatred and disgust it had at me, like a furious wave of molten hot venom. "Why work to earn something we can so easily take?" He demanded. "I'll send my troops to-"

"They're not _your_ troops, Armitage." I yelled, losing the grip on my extremely thin patience. The Force rippled off of me. I saw him straighten the moment the realization hit him. I could tear him apart with half a thought. Sometimes, he forgot that fact, but now, when the Force coursed off of me and into him, he remembered, and he paled.

"You will stop looking for the scavenger girl and the rebels." I told him. "And you will refocus _my_ troops on rebuilding the forces and the fleet that we've lost."

Hux nodded his understanding. "Yes, Supreme Leader."

I waved my gloved hand in dismissal, and he turned on his heel and nearly fled.

When the doors slid shut behind him, I rubbed my throbbing temple.

"So, that's him?" Rey asked behind me, nearly making me jump out of my chair. "That's Hux?"

"Yes." I sighed. "That's Hux."

"Is he always like that?" She stepped in front of me, looking around. I saw that she was wearing a military green flight suit, the rebel alliance symbol stamped proudly above her left breast. Her hair was tightly braided back, away from her face.

 _Mine_. My mind roared, and I gripped the arms of the chair I sat in to keep myself from jumping up and taking her-

 _Not my anything,_ I reminded myself.

But the Bond. The Bond filled my head. It coursed in my veins. I could swear I could feel it in the air around us. It wanted to be sealed. The Force wanted the balance our coupling would bring.

 _No._

Rey had a choice. The Bond had to be accepted by both users. And, there was no way in hell she'd ever accept.

 _She'll never accept me._

"He's usually worse." I told her, trying to sound as casual as possible. I failed.

She looked over her shoulder at me, her thin, dark eyebrows raised. "Worse?" Her voice was starting a new frenzy in me, causing the Bond to manifest and take a life of it's own.

I just nodded. The effort it took to stay seated was making me dizzy. The Bond tugged and whined. I could physically feel it pulling me toward her. I winced as I heard the wood of the arm creak in protest as I gripped it.

I wanted her. Her mind, her body, her light. It seeped into my soul, and my life was worthless without it.

 _Take her._ It whispered. _She's yours. Gifted to you by the Force itself._

And, I saw it. Saw myself get up, and go to her, gripping her tiny waist with one hand, and cupping the side of her face with the other, before my lips claimed hers. I saw her melt into me, her arms going around my neck, her fingernails dragging against the thick fabric covering my shoulders. I heard her moan as I trailed my kisses down her jaw, to her throat, to gently nip at the sensitive flesh there. She jumped up, and wrapped her legs around me. That's when I turned, and carried her to my throne, setting her down on the velvet cushion before falling to my knees before her. When I became Supreme Leader, I swore I'd bow before no one and nothing. But, for my Queen, my equal, my mate, I'd gladly spend the rest of our lives on my knees. I pulled away, to look into the molten orbs of honey as-

"Are you OK?" She asked, making me blink.

I swallowed, staring at her as she stood several feet from where I was still seated.

 _Take her_. The Bond whispered.

 _A mindless barbarian_. A monster.

The crease between her brows deepened. "Your mind always goes to such a dark place." She shook her head. "I can't hear it anymore, but I can feel it."

"I'm fine." I growled. I'd only had a handful of moments with her in the past few weeks. These Force connections were torturous, and getting worse, but I'd gladly take the trade, if it meant seeing her.

I granted myself a quick glance over her body, noting that she didn't appear to be injured, and was at least half way decently fed. "How are you?" I asked, genuine concern softening my voice.

She turned to face me. "Poe is growing more and more agitated with the First Order Attacks on the abandoned Rebel Bases." She blurted.

"Well, I fixed that." I reminded her, dryly.

"He's planning on attacking a legion of your troops on Hoth." She informed me and I froze.

"He's _what_?" I demanded. Poe had become obsessed, and reckless since The Battle of Crait, but he wasn't stupid.

At least, I hoped he wasn't _that_ stupid.

"You have to stop him."

"And how do you propose I do that?" She snapped. "March right into the command room and tell him that you've called Hux off and I know so because of the secret Force meetings we have?" Her voice dripped with sarcasm.

I raised my eyebrows. "He's going to get himself and all of his men killed." I could call Hux off of attacking crumbling rebel bases, but couldn't order or expect my men to stand down while being ambushed by Poe. "Does my mother know? Did she OK the orders?" I asked, in a thinly veiled attempt to find out if my mother would be involved.

Rey shook her head. "No one knows except the raiding party."

"And you." I pointed out.

She just stared at me for a long, silent moment.

 _Click_.

All of the air flew out of my lungs in a giant, shuddering heave.

I shook my head. "No."

She looked down, and I jumped up, crossing the space between us in two strides, and grabbed her forearms roughly.

She gasped, looking back up at me.

"Tell me you're not there." I begged, shaking her slightly. "Tell me you're not doing this." Panic already had my heart racing.

 _Please_. I begged her, silently. _Please tell me that you're safe on base or on the Falcon and that you didn't follow Poe on his suicide mission._

She frowned as her eyes searched mine. "I can't."


	7. Entangled

I let her go so quickly that she teetered a bit, and turned to leave.

If I could get word to Hux fast enough, I could stop the battle before it even begun, pulling my men off of the planet.

"Ben," She called and I ignored her, reaching for the door. "Stop!" She yelled, and my feet took root on the floor.

Whether or not that was a mated Bonded thing, obeying the commands of your mate, I didn't know, but I found myself unable to take another step forward.

"You don't understand." I told her, my words sounding more like a broken plea. "Hoth is colder than anything you've ever known, it's colder than you can imagine." I remembered my dad telling me a story of Luke nearly freezing to death on Hoth. "And, there are creatures there that will eat you alive." I turned to face her. "Neither of which are more dangerous than my men on Hoth who will turn you in for the bounty still on your head. Or, those that will do worse."

I saw her tremble a bit, fully understanding my meaning. A Stormtrooper trained by Hux since birth wouldn't think twice about forcing himself on an innocent young woman, especially one that had exhausted herself with the days battle, and had been taken prisoner.

And, if anyone so much as touched Rey...

"I've got to stop this." I said, turning again.

"No!" She yelled, stopping me dead in my tracks.

I ground my teeth together. "You just expect me to sit back while-"

"I make my own decisions?" She interrupted. "Actually, that's exactly what I expect you to do."

I didn't realize what I was doing until my fist made contact with the door frame, the thin metal buckling with the force of the blow. I punched it again, and again, before turning around.

"Your decision is going to get you killed!" I yelled, stopping inches from her. The Force buzzed around us, seeping off of me like a thick fog. She squared her shoulders, meeting my gaze unflinchingly. She wasn't afraid, not of me, though anyone else would have cowered.

"I know what I'm doing." She said, coolly.

I shook my head. How could she? She'd never set foot on Hoth or any planet like it. Sure, she'd fought in battles but this? This wasn't going to be a battle. It was going to be a massacre.

"When Hux gets the alert that we've attacked," She told me. "Don't come here. Send anyone else, but you stay-"

"No." I growled through clenched teeth, cutting her off. "I can't."

I had to go. I had to stop her, to save her, to make sure she was safe. I _had_ to know she was safe.

The urge to protect her was so powerful. It surpassed every other emotion I'd ever experienced. But, I wasn't confused, or bewildered by it. No, I couldn't even think about anything other than getting to her, and how much time we were wasting by arguing.

"I can't" I said again, and moved toward the door.

"Why?" She yelled, following me. She grabbed my elbow and spun me to face her. "Why can't you?"

"Because you're my-" I closed my mouth with an audible snap.

I couldn't let my emotions get the better of me. I had to remember myself, and what I was doing.

"I'm your what?" She demanded, anger burning in her honey-brown orbs and I knew my careless slip wasn't something she'd let go.

I looked down, trying to think. _Tell her._ The Bond whispered to me and I gritted my teeth so hard my jaw ached. _No._

"I'm your what?" She asked again. "I am not your subject, or anyone that you can command."

She didn't understand. Of course not. She thought I was acting as Supreme Leader, trying to save the lives of my troops. She didn't know that I could lose every man who'd ever pledged allegiance to me, and I wouldn't give a shit.

 _Tell her._ The Bond whispered again.

"You're not my Master, I'm not your padawan." She reminded me.

"I know that." I murmured bringing a hand up to brush my hair out of my face.

She took a deep breath, and held it for a moment before her eyes hardened and she said "I'm not your anything."

Her words were a solid hit to my chest, and I gasped as they tore through me. I couldn't breathe, couldn't move, couldn't think. I just stared at her, breathless, not even trying to hide the pain on my face.

 _Not my anything. Not_ my _anything._

I forced myself to take in a long, shaking breath, the movement feeling like it was ripping my chest open, and tore my gaze away from her.

The Bond mercifully closed, and as soon as she vanished, my knees buckled. I fell to the floor, gasping for air, each ragged breath ripping the hole in my chest wider.

 _Not my anything_.

I felt the Bond tug me toward the door. Toward Hoth. Toward her. The instinct to protect her wasn't weakened by the blow of her words.

I got to my feet, having to wait for my knees to stop shaking long enough to support me, and had just stood upright when the door behind me beeped and slid open.

"Supreme Leader." Hux said to my back. "The Rebels have attacked Hoth." He was positively gleeful. He had full confidence in the men he'd trained, and knew they'd destroy the Rebels easily.

The Bond whined, tugging my still aching chest.

"Prepare my ship." I told him, my voice sounding dull and lifeless, even to me.

"I don't think that will be necessary, Supreme Leader." He said. "The battle is most likely already over."

I turned toward him, and when he saw my face, the smile faded from his. His brow furrowed and he opened his mouth, possibly to ask me if I was alright.

"It better be ready by the time I make it to the hanger." I said, and moved passed him, going as fast as my still wobbling legs allowed.


	8. Spirit Cold

By the time I reached Hoth, the battle was indeed over. The battlefield was silent except for the moans and groans of the wounded, and the occasional blaster bolt from the troopers who were picking threw the mess of bodies.

Smoke billowed up from the charred carcasses of TIE fighters and x-wings alike, and blood had mixed with the melted snow, making red-tinted mud.

I landed away from my remaining troops, not having the time to deal with their incessant chatter and not having the patience to pretend otherwise. Nightfall was coming, soon, and the howling wind and dropping temperature meant that I needed to find Rey before an oncoming storm hit.

She'd had her shields up, keeping me out though I'd begged and pleaded, pride be gods damned. But, the Bond was still between us, like a tether. So, I grabbed on to it and I _tugged_ , blindly following it up into the mountains.

I passed a shot down x-wing, with a single set of deep footprints that lead to a partially concealed cave, and went in.

I'd barely taken a step inside when I heard the distinct sound of a lightsaber ignite and dodged in time to avoid a weak swing.

I looked up to find Rey, and my knees nearly went weak with relief.

"Ben." She whispered, and fell back against the cave wall, sheathing her lightsaber.

Her skin, which was usually a deep tan, was now stark white, and her lips were nearly cobalt. She'd deployed her parachute and wrapped it around herself as a makeshift blanket, and even a few feet away from her, I could see that she was shaking uncontrollably.

I looked deeper into the cave, and saw that she'd gathered some materials from the wreckage of her x-wing, and was attempting to make a fire. But, the things she'd gathered wouldn't burn long enough to get her body temperature back to where it needed to be.

"Are you hurt?" I asked, stepping forward to take a closer look at her.

I noticed that her right temple was swollen and beginning to bruise, and she had a small abrasion on her left cheek. Her nostrils were caked with dried blood from where her nose had been bleeding.

She shook her head, the movement barely noticeable over the violent shivers. "I'm ok."

From the looks of it, she was certainly not. But, she was alive. And, I had to get her off of this frozen hunk of rock if I was going to keep her that way.

"Can you walk?" I asked and she nodded, gripping the parachute tighter around herself.

She fell twice on the way back down to my ship. The first time, she'd just lost her footing, and fell in the snow, but I'd helped her to her feet and she'd insisted that she could continue. The second time, she just fell over, and when I grabbed her and rolled her onto her side, I found her eyes closed.

I hooked an arm under her knees and another around her shoulders and stood up, cradling her to me, and hunching my shoulders to try to shield her from the bitter wind as much as I could as I jogged the remainder of the way.

My Silencer barely fit me, but I got us both into it somehow, and set course for Kashyyyk, knowing Chewie was the only person she'd leave the Falcon with.

When I descended into the atmosphere, I saw the Falcon and set my craft down next to it. When I opened the door to the TIE Silencer, I was met with the barrel of a bow caster.

"You have a lot of nerve, showing up here, _Kylo_." Chewie growled at me.

I didn't have time for this. I needed to get Rey inside.

"I wouldn't have," I told him, putting my hands up where he could see. "But, I'm desperate."

He took a step forward, and I saw the pain and conflict in his violet blue eyes. "I have a few other words I'd like to call you." He roared.

Ok, that was fair.

"Now, you get off of my world before I-"

"It's not me, it's Rey." I interrupted before he could finish the threat.

He lowered his weapon and peered into the cockpit of my Silencer, at the still shivering and unconscious form of Rey in my lap.

"What-" He began.

"Poe lead an attack of my men on Hoth." I explained. "I need to get her in the Falcon, and I need to get her warm."

Chewie eyed me cautiously.

I sighed. "After, you can call and shoot me whatever and wherever you'd like."

Chewie grumbled as he reached into the cockpit and hoisted Rey up, waiting for me to climb out.

"I'll need a full explanation in the morning." He conditioned and held her away from me when I reached for her. I looked up at him and he met my gaze, squarely. "If you do anything, and I mean anything to her, the next time I shoot you, I'll aim higher."

Though I knew I deserved it, his words still stung a bit.

I nodded, "Understood." and he laid Rey in my outstretched arms.

Once on the Falcon, I carried her to the bedroom she'd been using and laid her down on the bunk. I went and turned the lights off to conserve power for the heaters, which whined in protest when I turned them on, full blast.

I went back to Rey, sitting next to her on the thin mattress, and took off my gloves before reaching up and gently touching her cheek. "Rey." I called.

I had to call her name twice more before her eyelids slid back. She looked around, recognizing her surroundings, and then looked at me.

The pain of the words she'd said still gnawed at my chest.

She snaked a hand out from under the parachute to touch my face, her eyes widening the moment her icy skin touched mine, as she realized I was really seated before her, and not a Force projection.

"You came for me." She breathed.

I wanted to say of course I'd come for her. I wanted to tell her everything. Every. Damned. Minuscule. Detail. But I just nodded. "I did."

A sob broke out of her chest. "After what I said." And she began to cry.

I shushed her softly, putting my hands on her cheeks, careful of the bruised right side of her face. "It doesn't matter." I told her, though the memory felt as if it would saw me in two.

She hadn't said anything that wasn't true.

She wasn't mine.

Not until she accepted the Bond.

And, I had to accept the fact that she never would.

"We have to get your body temperature up." I told her, and she nodded her understanding. "Can you stand?" I asked, and she nodded again.

I got to my feet, helping her stand, and then took a step back, letting her go as she dropped that parachute.

The harness was still securely in place and she fumbled with the buckles, her fingers unable to grasp them.

"Do you need help?" I asked.

"Yes." She said, and I stepped forward, easily undoing the buckle above her breasts, and loosening the straps on her legs so that the harness could fall to the floor. She stepped out of it, and wrapped her arms around herself, shaking uncontrollably.

"Get under the blanket." I told her, kicking the parachute out of the way. "Are there extras?"

"No." She said, unlacing and taking off her boots.

Of course not.

I watched her get into bed, _my_ bed, in my old bedroom, and pull the only threadbare quilt up to her chin.

My head was a gnarled mess of pain, and the feral, unhindered desire to seal The Bond. I thought of her delicate body under that quilt, and how it would feel against mine. But, my chest was still raw from where her words had cut, deep.

She was more important than my aching chest and groin so I gritted my teeth, and pulled the blanket back, kicking my boots off before I laid down next to her and pulled the blanket over our heads.

"It's just body heat." I said, more to myself than to her, as I wrapped an arm under her neck and around her shoulders, and pulled her back to my chest, using the other hand to rub her arms and side while shifting my legs between hers to get her blood circulating.

I didn't let myself think about the fact that we were in bed together, and I tried not to focus on the feel of her in my arms.

She didn't move. She didn't say anything. She just laid with her back to me, until her quaking subsided and I moved to get up.

"Don't." She begged, gripping my forearm. I froze. She couldn't possibly have asked me what I thought she asked me, but she wrapped my arm around her waist so I eased back down next to her. She laid her head on my bicep, and curled up next to me, reaching up to pull the elastic out of her hair, and roughly running her fingers through the braid until it was undone.

I inhaled deep, the smell of her hair, damp and dirty from the day, and couldn't help the hum that escaped my throat.

 _Thank you._ She said through the Bond. Whether it was for saving her or staying, I didn't know.

After her breathing evened, I let my eyes close.

I didn't have one nightmare.


	9. Zzyzx

***Sorry for the delay. I wrote 8 different versions of this chapter. this was the only rewrite that felt right.** **special nod to my beta reader, bibicakes***

Rey stirred in my arms, tugging me from a dreamless sleep.

We'd been laying in exactly the same position we'd fallen asleep in, with my knees tucked behind hers. I felt her roll onto her back, and then pull the blanket off of our heads, and my eyes flickered open to meet hers.

Reality hit me all at once, and I was afraid.

I'd never considered myself worthy of her, but laying next to her, with her still in my arms, reminded me of exactly how undeserving I was.

I was bonded to a living, breathing, thriving dream.

And, she was bonded to a murderous monster.

Last night, I'd wanted to tell her everything, to lay my chest bare. But, when her eyes met mine, I was reminded of the million reasons that I shouldn't, couldn't.

She wasn't my anything.

And, I didn't deserve to be her anything. Could never even come close.

I lifted my arm up, off of her, and sat up, turning my back to her and putting my feet on the floor.

I expected her first words to be an order for me to leave.

And, I would.

I'd crawl into my Silencer and go back to the nothingness of the life I'd built for myself.

I'd wanted that life, once. There was a time, not too long ago where I wanted nothing more than to be Supreme Leader. But now….

Now, I just wanted to be a man who deserved Rey.

I went to stand, and felt her hand grip my wrist, stopping me. "Are you leaving?." She breathed, her voice barely above a whisper.

I looked down at her slender fingers on the bare skin of my wrist. It was the first time she'd ever touched me, really touched me, and her touch sent ice and fire in my veins.

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked, my traitorous voice shaking.

It was her decision.

And, I prepared myself for my chest to be ripped open again by her answer.

"No." She answered, softly, and my heart jumped up into my throat.

No. She'd said no.

I swallowed. "Then, I'll stay."

For as long as she wanted me, at least.

Her grip loosened, and I stood up. I turned the space heater off, then reached above my head and flicked the lights on.

Rey blinked as her eyes adjusted.

"Force." I whispered, looking at her.

The entire top right side of her face was varying shades of purple, the darkest shade being a nearly black ring under her right eye.

She moved to sit up and winced.

I was back to her side in half a second.

"What is it?" I demanded.

She shook her head. "Nothing, I'm just sore from the crash."

While that was most likely true, I wanted to make sure there weren't other injuries."But, it hurt, just then when you moved?" I asked

She nodded.

"Where?" I wanted to know.

She put a hand on her side, took an experimental breath, and winced again. "Here." She said, pointing to her right shoulder. "I can't move my arm." She laid her hand flat, in the middle of her chest. "And, here, when I breathe."

I hummed my understanding and stood up. "You'll need a medic." I told her. "I can ask Chewie if there's a medicine man here who can have a look."

"I'd rather not." She said, making my eyebrows shoot up in surprise.

I looked over at her, and found that her unbruised cheek was tinged pink. "I have a few bacta patches." She said, her voice small. "Do you think you could patch me up until I get back to base?"

My mouth went dry, and I had to remind myself to breathe.

"What?" I asked, sure I misunderstood her.

She shot me an annoyed look. "If you want me to say 'please', I will."

I shook my head, "No." My voice failed me and I cleared my throat. "No, but, are you sure you want me?"

She straightened. "You've patched people up before, right?"

I shrugged, "Well, yeah, but-"

"So, how is this different?" She wanted to know.

How was this not different?

This wasn't even in the same realm of slapping a bacta patch on a fallen Trooper, or stitching myself up after a battle.

I tried to hide the panic in my voice. "I'm not qualified." I told her, showing her my palms. "I could make everything worse." Or, I could hurt her. I was more terrified of the latter.

She sighed, and looked down. "Please?" She said, her voice tight.

And, that's it. I was done for.

My heart clenched, and I tilted my head back, sucking in a breath through my nose. "Fine." I growled. "Where's the med kit?"

She nodded to her left and I moved to retrieve it. The closures clicked when I released them and I laid it open on the bunk next to her.

"I need help getting this off." She said, and I froze.

Her flight suit.

Of course it had to come off, if I was going to dress her wounds.

Maker above, why hadn't I realized she'd have to take off her flight suit?

And my fear skipped a few levels and went straight to petrified.

She winced a bit when she reached up and unzipped the suit, and I was briefly relieved to see that she had on a white tank top on underneath, but then she looked up at me.

"Will you help me stand?" She asked, and I nodded once.

I leaned forward, and put both of my arms around her, fanning my fingers out against her back, and pulled her to her feet, careful not to touch or move her injured shoulder.

She grunted in pain, and I heard her grind her teeth together.

"Are you ok?" I asked, and she nodded, so I let her go.

My fingers trembled when I reached out to move her suit off her shoulders, and I balled them into fists, willing them still long enough to do what needed to be done.

I reached toward her again and pulled the garment off as gently as possible, first off of her left arm, and then moving more carefully with her right.

The bruises started on the back of her right hand, and went up her arm, covering the entirety of her right upper arm and shoulder, and disappeared under her tank top.

That would have to come off, too.

My hands began to shake again. My heart was pounding so loud, I wondered how she didnt hear it, and I was nearly hyperventilating.

I raked my fingers through my hair, trying to pull myself together.

She grabbed the tail of her top with her left hand, and moved to pull it up, but hesitated, her face, neck, and ears turning a bright crimson.

I stopped too, waiting for her.

If she'd change her mind, even in the least, I'd respect her wishes.

"I'm sorry." She said, looking down. "I've never…." She bit down on her bottom lip.

I ignored the fire that erupted in my belly.

"Never what?" I asked, my voice thick.

She chewed on her bottom lip for a moment, before answering "I've never... no one has ever…"

It clicked together in my head.

"Oh."

No one had ever seen her bare chest, and no one had seen the slave markings that were inked on both of her arms.

I balled my fists up at my sides and looked away.

"I can get someone else to dress your wounds." I told her. She didn't have to do this. "I'll ask Chewie for a female, if that'll make you more comfort-"

"No." She said, firmly, cutting me off.

The absolute last thing I would have expected was her hand coming up to cup my cheek, and I jerked when her skin met mine. But, she pulled my face back to the side, so that my eyes met hers.

"I want it to be you." She said, and I swear my knees almost went out from under me.

She held my gaze as she took the tail of her shirt and tugged it up, and I swallowed hard, pulling it the rest of the way off.

And, my brain didn't even register that she was standing in front of me, in nothing from the waist up but her breast band, because I was looking at the cluster of multi colored bruises covering what was obviously a fractured clavicle.

"Kriffing hell, Rey!" The bruising spread across her chest, and down her right side. "It hurts here, when you breathe?" I asked, pointing to a patch of pink-purple bruises on her ribcage.

She took a breath and it caught.

She nodded.

Broken clavicle and hopefully bruised, but most likely broken ribs.

I stepped to the bedside and started rummaging through the med kit, grabbing the only two bacta patches I could find. I opened one, and tried to ignore how the smell made my stomach turn.

I went to Rey and carefully soothed it over the swollen bump of her collarbone.

"There's only one left." I told her, and looked at the mess of bruises and dried blood on her right temple.

She nodded her understanding. "Do it "

I stepped behind her and soothed her hair back with both of my hands. "Where's your hair elastic?" I asked, and she held her left arm up, letting me see it around her wrist.

"What do you just keep it there?" I asked, holding her hair in one hand, and pulling the elastic off of her wrist with the other.

"Yes." She answered, as if it should have been obvious.

I tied her hair back in a sloppy ponytail, then opened the second bacta patch and stood 8n front or her.

"Close your eyes." I told her, and she obeyed, so that I could put the bandage over her right temple, at an angle to get as much of the bruising as possible.

"Now, get back to bed so that the bacta can work." I told her, moving to close the med kit and put it back.

When I turned around, she had dropped her flight suit to the floor, leaving her in her breast band, and a pair of tight fitting black leggings. She did as I asked, and crawled into the bunk, laid down, and pulled the blanket to her chin.

I sat down near her feet, and moved to put on my boots.

"Where are you going?" She asked, urgently.

"To get you some food." I told her, and she visibly relaxed.

"You'll be here when I wake up?" She wanted to know, and my heart fluttered.

I had to swallow the lump in my throat before I could answer. "Yes."

She laid back down and I unlocked the door, and slipped into the corridor.

The Falcon was dark and cold, and when I lowered the loading bay door, I saw Chewie standing there, not even pretending to not have been eavesdropping.

I'd promised him an explanation, and he was waiting to collect.

I sighed, raking my fingers through my hair.

I was exhausted from the night before, and confused by Rey's request for me to stay with her, and just tired of every burden that I shouldered.

For the briefest of moments, I tried to think of story as to why I risked my life to save Rey from Hoth, why I'd brought her back to the Falcon instead of taking her into custody, and why I'd dressed her wounds and put her to bed, instead of killing her when she was most vulnerable, as Kylo Ren would have done.

I saw all of these questions written across his face, in his piercing violet blue stare.

I opened my mouth to explain myself, and sighed again instead.

"She's my mate."


	10. Deep Water

Chewie cocked his head to the side. "Come again?" He growled.

I started talking too fast, my words jumbling together.

"I should have known. I mean, I did know. But, I didn't know, but I had an idea, you know?"

I looked up at him for confirmation and he just stared at me blankly.

I went on. "I felt it, felt something the second I stepped on Jakku after that damned map. I knew there was something there. Like, a part of me, but I just assumed it was the map to Luke so I ignored it. Then, when I saw her, actually saw her on Takodana, it was like something inside of me relaxed. Like, I'd been frantically looking for something, and finally found it. But, I had a job to do, and instead of chasing down that droid, and getting the map, I lost my focus, and took her. And, I tried to reason with Hux that I could get the map from her, but really, I just couldn't stand the thought of destroying her, as I would have been expected to do with all the others. So, I took her on board, and watched over her, made sure no one touched her, but then, when she woke up, she called me a creature, and I did absolutely everything I could possibly do to prove her right."

I didn't miss the sorrow in my own voice.

I looked down, unable to meet Chewies gaze. My side tingled where he'd shot me. Sometimes, I still caught myself wishing he had aimed a little higher. But, if he had've obliterated my lung instead of my spleen and part of my intestines, I might be in a suit similar to my grandfathers, and I shuddered at the thought.

"She beat me and left me for dead on StarKiller Base." I continued. "But, I still couldn't stop thinking about her, I couldnt get her out of my head. And, I started seeing her in the Force, and the whole time, I'm ignoring every single detail that would point to a mated Force Bond because they're rare. They're rare and so precious, and I wouldn't bring myself to even think that the Force had blessed me so immensely. And, I killed Snoke. I walked into that throne room without one shred of a plan and killed Snoke, because it was either kill Snoke or kill Rey, and I…" I shook my head. "I couldn't. I couldn't, I mean I can't imagine a life without her. And then, I asked her to join me, barely able to say the words over all that swallowed pride, and she rejected me out right. Because, of course. Obviously. And then left me for dead, for the second time now, on The Supremacy. Snoke had told us that he had bridged our minds, but after he died, I still saw her. And, I was hurt, and bitter, and so fucking angry, and I'm still seeing her. And, I started to care. Suddenly, I cared. I say suddenly, but it was kind of gradual. I cared about if she was hurt, or whether or not she'd eaten, and I cared about what she wanted, and what makes her happy, and now, keep in mind that I'm still ignoring all of this. But, she's intelligent, and observant so she knows something is up. So, she starts asking questions, and I start looking for answers and what do I find?"

"That you have a Mated Force Bond?" He guessed, flatly.

"That we have a Mated Force Bond!" I exclaimed. "And, then everything just made so much sense."

"That The Force connects you?" He asked.

I shook my head. "It's more than that." I sighed, trying to think of a way to explain it. "The Force chose us, as mates. We're connected, but we're not mated until we accept The Bond."

"And what must you do to accept The Bond?" He wanted to know.

I looked down again, unable to answer, as a blush blazed across my neck, face, and ears.

" _Oh_." He quipped. A silent moment passed before he asked. "And she doesn't know?"

"No." I answered, brushing my fingers through my hair.

"You need to tell her." He said, simply.

"So that she can throw me out on my ass, again?" I asked, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

"No, because she has a right to know." He told me. "This affects her just as much as it affects you, Ben."

I frowned. "I've already offered her everything I have, and she said no."

Had he missed that part of the story?

He casually crossed his arms across his chest. "Did you offer everything you have as Kylo Ren or as Ben Solo?"

His question took me by surprise, and I straightened. "Ben Solo doesn't have anything." Kylo Ren had an Empire, an entire galaxy to do his bidding, an army, and endless credits to give Rey anything she could ever desire. But, Ben? If I walked away from The First Order, I'd have less than nothing.

He nodded in agreement. "Maybe that's what she wants. "

I laughed once without humor. Maybe that's what she wants.

My jaw fell slack. _Kriff, what if that's what she wants?_

"Why did you bring her here?" Chewie asked. "And how did she get wounded?"

"Poe led an attack on a legion of my troops on Hoth." I told him. "And, Rey went with him."

"So, you went after Rey." He finished.

I frowned and nodded. "But, when I got there, her x-wing had been shot down, and she was hypothermic. I couldn't take her to her base, or to my ship, and I had to get her body temperature up. The Falcon was my only option. I just guessed that it would be here with you."

"So, what now?" He asked.

I sighed. "She needs rest, and food, so that her body can heal itself. I used the only bacta patches in the med kit on board, but her other injuries will need to heal naturally. And, that takes time. She'll need at least a few days."

"I wasn't talking about _her_." He said. "She's welcome for as long as she'd like." His eyes narrowed. "I was talking about _you_."

I set my jaw. "Don't worry, I'm going back as soon as she's well."

"Going back?" He roared and swung his arm to smack me in the back of my head.

I swore, taken completely off guard, and brought a hand up to rub where he'd hit.

"You're going back, and leaving your mate?" He said, disappointment heavy in his voice. "I raised you better than that."

He'd raised me better than a great many things I'd done, and yet here we were…

"She's not my mate until she accepts the Bond." I reminded him.

He threw his arms up in exasperation. "How is she going to accept a Bond you refuse the tell her about?"

"I'm _protecting_ her." I ground out.

His gaze hardened "Don't insult my intelligence, boy, I've known you since you were a pup." He wagged his finger at me. "You are protecting _yourself_."

That was the thing with Chewie. He didn't mince words.

I tried to shrug off the sting of that. "Ok, fine. I'm protecting myself." I admitted. "Because I already know what she thinks of me."

 _Snake_ _Liar_ _Monster_ _Murderer_ _Not my anything_

"You know what she thinks of Kylo Ren." He corrected. "And, you'll never know what she thinks of Ben Solo if you don't tell her about the Bond."

"But, I am Kylo Ren." I told him. "And, I am everything she thinks of me."

"If you truly feel that way, then go back to your First Order, Supreme Leader. " He said, stepping to the side so that I could see my Silencer parked several feet behind him.

I blinked slowly, then looked back at him. I did not move.

"That's what I thought." he growled, then turned from me, and sat down next to a small campfire that was nearly burned out. "Go to her." he told me, grabbing a handful of twigs and throwing them onto the smoldering coals. "Tell her what you've told me."

The thought made my breath catch. "Why? I already know what she'll say."

"Because she deserves to be able to choose for herself, instead of you just assuming she'll reject the Bond." The fire slowly came back to life under his hands. "And, take food." He suggested, holding his hands near the flame to warm them. "Women are easier to talk to after they've been fed."


	11. Unsteady

***Authors note***

 **I hadn't planned on this story going this way, but this chapter practically wrote itself.**

 **This chapter includes assault, and language. If you're triggered, this is your warning.**

I returned to Rey's room, leaving once to grab a basket of food that Chewie packed for us.

She slept for hours, not stirring, and I moved as quietly as possible, so not to disturb her.

I unpacked the basket, finding enough food to last us for days. Two freshly baked meat pies, a few cans of soup, bread and cold meat for sandwiches, leaves for brewing tea, and a pot of porridge that was still warm.

I found a dented teapot in the main hold, and took it out to boil water over Chewie's fire.

He was, mercifully, elsewhere. And, when I returned to Rey's room, she stirred, and her eyes fluttered open

She looked around wearily, then spotted me near the door and visibly relaxed.

"I'm sorry." I whispered. "I didn't mean to wake you."

I put a few tea leaves into a mug I also found in the main hold, and poured the water from the tea pot into it.

"It's ok." She said, her voice thick with sleep. She pushed herself up with her left arm, wincing, and I offered my hand to her. "Thanks." she said, taking it, and I pulled her the rest of the way up.

"You ok?" I asked her, once she was in a sitting position and she nodded.

I let go of her hand, and turned to retrieve the tea, carefully picking up the steaming mug and handing it to her.

She thanked me, and took a careful sip, watching as I sat in a chair a few feet from her.

She made no move to cover herself, and I noticed, really noticed the slave markings on her arms.

They were bright blue, standing out against her pale skin, shielded by the sleeves she always wore. They varied in size and shape.

Anyone else would have found them to be unsightly, but I was too caught up with being the only person she'd ever let see them to think that they were anything but stunning.

"Do they know?" She asked, pulling my attention away from her markings.

I blinked, and my forehead creased. "Does who know what?"

"Does anyone know where we are?" She clarified.

 _Oh_. I shook my head. "No." I hadn't spoken to anyone, on either side. Hux knew I'd gone to Hoth, but nothing else.

She was probably eager to get back to her base, and to let her friends know she was safe.

"It'll be a few days before your arm is healed enough for you to be able to pilot the Falcon alone." I told her. "You need a medical droid to set it properly, but I'm sure they have one on base."

I tried not to sound bitter or angry, but my voice still had an edge to it.

She sipped her tea, then tapped on the mug with her pointer finger, deep in thought.

"Can we agree to be honest with each other?" She asked. "No more bullshit."

I was a little offended at her choice of words, but then remembered I was hiding our Bond from her, so I nodded in agreement. "No more bullshit."

She tapped again, and then she looked up at me, determination hardening her gaze.

My heart stilled. I was sure she was going to ask about the Bond point blank, and I made the decision then that I would tell her the truth.

I took in a breath and held it, readying myself.

"I'm not going back. " She said, making the breath come out of me in a giant heave.

I struggled to remain upright in my chair. "What?" I managed to gasp, sure I hadn't heard her correctly.

"At least not while Poe is there." She amended and I straightened at her tone.

I swallowed, afraid of the answer, but asked. "What did he do?"

Instead of answering, she lowered her shields, letting me into her mind.

The Bond hummed a warning, which I ignored, and went in.

I saw an office, with a massive desk in the middle of the room, military plans and documents strewn about.

I saw Poe, as he downed a drink of dark liquor and poured himself another.

He'd offered for her to sit, but she'd refused.

While everyone else loved and trusted Poe, Rey had known men of his kind before, and had kept her distance.

"We need you out there, Rey." He'd said. "You're the only one with a connection to him. You can tell us exactly where he is and I'll do the rest."

Was he talking about me?

Is that why she was on Hoth?

But Rey had looked at him with the same defiance she'd given Snoke and said "No."

Poe had glared at her. "What?"

"No, you're not going to use me to kill B-Kylo Ren." She'd told him, catching herself before calling me by my given name.

Poe's brow lowered. "You know that's the only reason you're here, right?" He had bellowed at her.

She didn't so much as flinch. "I thought the reason I was here was because I saved your sorry ass on Crait."

His jaw set. "Careful, Rey." He warned. "I'm still a Commander, and, despite what The General believes, and whatever Force nonsense you have, you're still a runaway Jakku slave."

His words had cut deep, into her, and into me when she remembered them now.

"Either you're with us, and you help me kill Kylo Ren, or you're an enemy of the Resistance."

She had sighed in defeat, and he grinned, until she told him to go fuck himself and turned to leave the room.

"Hey!" He yelled after her. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" He caught her by the arm. "You don't go anywhere until I tell you you can go!"

She struggled against his grasp, his grip only tightening on her arm, and his face fell as she saw the realization flash in his eyes.

"You." He whispered. "You're protecting him."

He'd turned, and thrown her against his desk. She doubled over, catching herself and he was behind her in an instant, with his arm wrapped around her throat, and she felt him grind against her. "Never figured you for a Supreme Leaders whore." He yelled through clenched teeth.

She panted, her heartbeat thundering in her ears as she struggled under him to get free.

"You ever been fucked by a real man?" He asked, his hand going to grab her ass, his fingertips digging in painfully.

Rey threw her head back, her skull bashing in Poe's nose with a sickening crunch of cartilage and he flew away from her, landing against his file cabinet with a loud thud.

Before he could scramble to his feet, Rey was there, holding her hand out, and restraining him with The Force.

"You bitch!" He growled, blood flowing freely from his nose.

Rey went into his mind and erased me from their conversation, and soothed his rage.

His face softened.

"I'm not protecting Kylo Ren." She told him.

"You're not protecting Kylo Ren." He said back.

"You will tell me every move on Hoth." She said.

"I will tell you every move on Hoth." He repeated.

"And you will _never_ touch me again." Her voice quaked just a bit.

He shook his head. "I will never touch you again." He said, gently

I gasped as I came out of her mind, and looked up at her, to see a single tear streak down her face.

"That's why you went to Hoth." I choked out. "To know what Poe was doing." A traitorous tear streaked down my face as well. "To protect me."

She lowered her gaze in shame. "The attack on Hoth was bait. He was really planning an ambush as soon as your ship landed." She put her mug down. "I had to tell you, because if I hadn't, you would've walked right into it. But, as soon as you figured out that I would be there..."

When she looked up, I saw her cheeks glisten. "I thought that if I hurt you, you wouldn't want to come after me. So, I said-" a sob erupted from her chest and she shook her head, fresh tears washing her face. "I'm so sorry."

I opened my mouth to speak but my tongue was too heavy to form the words, so I just stared at her, wide eyed and open mouthed.

She was on Hoth, she'd said what she'd said, to protect me.

From Poe.

My blood heated.

I could refuel my Silencer, and find the base easily enough. And I'd tear him apart for what he'd done and said to Rey, and take a damned long time doing it.

My hands clenched into tight fists at my sides.

"Ben." Rey called, and I looked up, my rage withering when my eyes met hers.

"This is not what I need from you, right now." She said. I realized then that I'd let my shields slip, and she'd been privy to my primal need to protect and defend her.

I hoisted my shield back into place.

"Ok," I swallowed. "What do you need from me?"

"To be my friend." She answered.

She didn't need a mindless barbarian. She didn't need a lover, a protector, or anyone to fight her battles for her. She definitely didn't need a mate.

She needed a friend.

I stared at her for a long moment while I steadied myself, then nodded slightly. "Alright."

She wiped her tear-stained face with the back of her left hand, then retrieved her mug of tea from her right and took a sip.

"We need a plan." I told her.

'We have the Falcon." She said, looking around.

"Yeah," I agreed. "But, the Resistance will be looking for you. And, they know that this is your ship."

Her eyebrows shot up. "This is _not_ my ship."

"It's too recognizable." I sighed.

She shrugged with her left shoulder. "We could stay here."

" _You_ could stay here." I corrected. "Chewie has made it clear that my welcome is already overstayed." And, I couldn't blame him for that.

Not after what I'd done.

She looked down. "Do you have to go back?" She asked, in a small voice.

"Of course I do." I answered, simply. Hux had probably already declared himself Supreme Leader in my absence, and I shuttered to think of what I'd come back to.

Rey frowned.

"But, I won't." I said to her, and couldn't help the upward twitch of my lips when she grinned and took a sip of her tea. "Not until you tell me to, at least." I amended.

"You'll stay until I tell you to go back?" She asked and I nodded. "How long do you think that'll take?"

"An hour." I confessed.

"Someone thinks highly of himself." She said, dryly. "I give it twenty minutes, tops."

I smiled, despite myself, and said. "We still need a plan. Even if it's only twenty minutes of a plan."

She chewed on her bottom lip, considering.

My grandfather had a palace on Mustafar, and I went there from time to time, but Rey had spent the majority of her life on a desert planet, and deserved more than the ash and lava Mustafar had to offer.

Then, I remembered the one thing I had as Ben Solo.

"Naboo." I blurted

Her face brightened a bit. "Naboo?"

I nodded. "My family has an estate there, and I'm still in good standing with the Queen."

She raised a suggestive eyebrow. "In good standing?"

"No, not like _that_." I laughed. "She's my cousin."

Her eyes widened. "Your cousin?" She gasped.

I nodded.

"The queen of Naboo is your cousin?" She reiterated.

I nodded again. "Yes."

She looked down, chewing on her bottom lip, uncertainty written across her features.

"We can go somewhere else, if you want." I offered.

"No." She said, almost too quickly. "I want to go."

She looked up. "I just need to tell the Resistance that I'm not coming back."


	12. Back Down South

***Authors note***

 **I've seen The Rise Of Skywalker since my last update.**

 **I'm aware that the timeline and canon have changed, thus making this fanfic little more than fairytale nonsense.**

 **But, if you'll keep reading, I'll keep writing.**

 **Also:**

 **it's pronounced Ci-eer-say**

 **...**

"Are you sure about this?" I asked, and Rey looked up at me.

I'd removed the bacta patch from her temple, and she'd showered and changed into a cream colored sweater and clean leggings.

Her wet hair was down, hanging in soft curls over her shoulders, and the bruising on the right side of her face was faded in places, and gone in others.

 _Kriff_ , she was beautiful.

"If I wanted to go back?" She asked.

"Say the word and it's done." I told her. No matter where we were, or what the circumstances may be, if she wanted to go back, I'd make sure she got there.

She pressed the comlink in front of her, and recorded a short message, stating that she was safe, and not coming back.

She sent it directly to my mother.

Chewie flew the Falcon, docking it next to my Silencer on Naboo, and helped Rey out before grumbling in disapproval and heading back to the cockpit.

Rey leaned against me, wincing every few steps as we approached the queen.

Ciir'sae was not a tall woman, standing at only five and a half feet. She wore a gown made of a blue so pale it was almost white, and had her auburn hair braided up and woven into an elaborate headdress.

I was too exhausted to care about my own appearance, though I'm sure I looked like absolute hell in my dirty tunic and pants.

She extended a hand to me and I took it. "Are you visiting as my cousin, or as Supreme Leader?"

I bowed respectfully, kissing her knuckles. "As your cousin." I told her. "The First Order does not know I'm here."

"I should think not." She mused. "They issued a statement not ten minutes ago, that you've been missing since the battle of Hoth."

Her gaze went to Rey and she frowned. "I hadn't realized you were bringing a prisoner."

"Rey isn't a prisoner." I said solidly. "She may come and go as she pleases, with or without my permission."

I felt a pulse of gratitude course down the Bond.

Ciir'sae glanced from Rey, to me, then between us, as if she could see the phantom Bond there. Then, she waved her hand in indifference. "Your grandmother's home has been prepared for you."

"Thank you." I said. "Rey needs medical attention."

Ciir'sae nodded once. "I'll send you a droid."

I thanked her again, and put my hand in the small of Rey's back to gently steer her toward the house.

The droid that Ciir'sae sent confirmed that Rey had several broken ribs, and that her clavicle needed to be reset. She was sedated for the procedure, then instructed to stay in bed so that her body could rest, and let the bacta work.

I made sure that she was tucked into her bed by the service droids, then went across the hall to my own bedroom and fell onto the bed.

oOo

My eyes snapped open some time later. I could tell from the sunlight barely peeking through the curtains that it was a little passed dawn. I sat up, my body feeling as though it needed an eternity more of sleep, and padded across the hall to Rey's room.

She was blissfully asleep, surrounded by down pillows, and wrapped in rich linens.

I smiled, seeing her peaceful face, and went through my room, into the massive adjoining bathing room.

I set the water temperature to nearly scalding and stepped into the stream of five showerheads. I took advantage of the luxurious soaps, butters and scrubs, and shaved the three days stubble off of my face.

When I stepped out of the bathing room, cringing at the thought of putting my filthy clothes back on, I was greeted by a service droid, with a white garment bag dangling from one of its arms.

Inside, were black slacks, a black tunic, and a matching waistcoat with fine embroidery along the collar.

The slacks were both too big and too short, and the tunic was too tight, but they were clean, which was the only feature I was concerned with.

The sun was up when I stepped back out, and all the windows were open to allow the bright light in.

I found Rey sitting at the end of a massive dining table, in a pale pink nightgown cut to accentuate feminine curves, and with the thin straps, I could see the fresh bacta patch on her right shoulder.

Silver platters of food covered the table top, and, thank the Maker, Rey was eating.

She was eating as if this was the first meal she'd ever had.

"Ben!" She called, mouth full. She motioned toward a service droid with her fork. "These guys will bring you anything you ask for!" She pointed to a cut of meat on a platter. "Look! Steak!" She shoveled another bite from her plate into her mouth. "I've only ever heard of steak, but I asked and they brought it!" Her utensils clattered to her plate when she dropped them. She reached for a steaming cup with both of her hands and took a sip. "They have coffee! Real coffee! Not the instant stuff they have on base!"

"How many cups of that have you had?" I asked.

"Seven." She answered immediately, and took another sip.

I pulled my chair out and sat down next to her. "Is there any left?"

"Yeah!" She offered her cup to me. I should have asked a droid for another cup, and a fresh pot to be brewed, but I took her cup from her, and took a deep swallow.

It was coffee flavored syrup and I nearly spat it back out.

There was so much food on the table in front of me. Pancakes, dripping with butter and syrup, bacon, sausage, omelets, potatoes, tartlets, toast, every type of jam and preserve, a variety of juices, and that steak. From the looks of things, she'd had a sampling of all of it.

"How's your shoulder?" I asked, piling food onto my own plate.

"Good as new." She said around a mouthful of bacon.

"And, your other injuries?" I wanted to know.

"I think they're gone." She stopped eating long enough to poke her sides with her finger, and took a deep breath. "Yeah, I can breathe." She went back to her breakfast.

"What are we doing today?" She asked. "Queen Cersi-"

"Ciir'sae." I corrected.

She tried again. "Ceersay"

"Ciir'sae." I said, drawing the syllables out.

"Ciir'sae" She repeated, and I nodded my approval. "Will we be spending the day with her?"

I shrugged. "If she has time."

"When was the last time you saw her?" She asked.

 _Honest_ , I reminded myself. _No more bullshit_.

"Before I left to train with Luke." I told her. "Before I turned."

"So she doesn't know?" She didn't elaborate, but she didn't have to. She was asking if my cousin knew about the things I'd done in those ten years since we'd seen each other. If she knew about the people I'd killed and the worlds I'd destroyed.

"No." I said, and wiped my mouth with my napkin. I put it on the table and pushed myself away.

I'd lost my appetite.

"I'm sorry." Rey said, putting her fork down. "I shouldn't have asked."

"Don't be." I told her. I didn't want her to stop asking questions just because the truth made me uncomfortable.

She looked down at her plate. "I think I'm done."

"I'll ask Ciir'sae if her schedule will permit time with us." I told her. "In the meantime, what would you like to do?"

She chewed on her bottom lip and looked at me. "I want you to teach me the ways of The Force."


	13. Skinny Love

I considered her carefully, her request taking me back to that mountain top on StarKiller Base.

To the first thing I'd offered her that she'd refused.

'You need a teacher.' I'd yelled over the buzz of our blue-red lightsabers reflecting in her eyes. Her hair was plastered to her head and face with sweat and melted snow. 'I can show you the ways of The Force.' I'd nearly begged.

She'd looked up at me with her teeth bared, and then she'd cleaved me nearly in two.

"I'm not a master." I murmured, "I'm not even a Jedi."

"I know." She said. "But if I don't learn how to control this, it's going to control me."

I couldn't argue with that."Fine." I said. "Meet me on the balcony in ten minutes."

"Why in ten minutes?" She wanted to know. "Why can't we start now?"

I raised an eyebrow. "In _that_?" I asked, looking pointedly at the delicate nightgown she wore.

She looked down. "Oh." As it she'd forgotten she was wearing it.

She stood, and my mouth fell open.

The thin straps connected to triangles of silk and lace that hugged her breasts, and a geometric skirt that came to a point in the front and the back, and rose to angles on her hips, barely covering her thighs.

My mouth went dry, and my pants tightened, as my cock strained against them.

She disappeared into her bedroom, and I leaned back in my chair, covering my face with my hands.

I groaned into them, trying to ignore the heat rising in my stomach, and the throbbing in my groin.

A service droid whizzed passed me, and I looked up, to watch it also disappear into Rey's room.

I hauled myself to my feet, and, after adjusting my pants, walked over.

Her bedroom door was open, and I saw a dress fly across the room, with the service droid chasing after to retrieve it.

The _hell_?

"Rey?" I called.

Another dress went sailing, and the service droid went after it.

"Is everything alright?" I called, louder.

Rey appeared in the doorway, still in that scrap of pink silk.

My heart stuttered, then started pounding.

She pointed to the service droid. "She took my clothes." She huffed.

I raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, she took my clothes too." I told her, and leaned against the door frame. "To be _washed_."

"She keeps bringing me things to wear, and I don't even know how to get into most of them." Her frustration had colored her cheeks a bright pink.

I nodded once, then dared a glance over her. "Is that where you got…" I trailed off, pointing to what she was wearing.

"Yes." She snapped. "She kept bringing me other things but some were nothing but straps and the others were see-through."

I felt my eyebrows rise, and my shoulder slid off of the door frame.

I stumbled, but caught myself, and stood up, crossing my arms across my chest. " _Oh_." I said, trying to sound uninterested.

It just came out sounding awkward.

Rey rolled her eyes.. "And, now it's gowns, and these day dresses, as if I know the difference, and I have to wear these ridiculous things under them."

When I'd spoken to Ciir'sae, I'd told her I was bringing a woman, and that we both would need clothes.I'd stupidly neglected to mention that Rey would be more comfortable in tunics and leggings, instead of standard noblewoman attire.

I'd need to find something more her style.

"Alright." I sighed, and nodded toward her room. "May I?"

She straightened. "May you _what_?"

"May I come into your bedroom?" I clarified.

Her face contorted as she moved to the side. "Why would you ask that?"

I stepped inside.

"As if my room is some forbidden fortress that you've never been in." She scoffed.

"I've never been in _this_ one." I threw over my shoulder, walking to her closet.

"You didn't ask before you went into my room on the Falcon. " She pointed out.

I stuck my head out to look at her. "It was _my_ room _first_."

She growled in irritation and flopped onto the bed.

I stood in her closet, staring at the collection of white garment bags, and took several steadying breaths, my hands balling into tight fists at my sides.

I wanted her.

Holy kriffing hell, I'd never wanted anything more.

I needed to seal this Bond that called out for her. Resisting its pull was painful. And, it was exhausting. My body, my soul, my entire being yearned for that Bond to be sealed.

I started unzipping garment bags, ignoring it, gritting my teeth together so hard that my jaw ached.

One dress caught my eye and I yanked it off the rack. I walked out, and barked a dismissal to the service droid.

It scurried off.

"Here." I said, holding it out to Rey.The gown was forest green, velvet, off the shoulder, with long sleeves that were capped at the wrists, and it was floor length.

Simple. But, still elegant.

And, it would cover her arms, which I knew were an insecurity for her.

She took it, thanking me, and I immediately walked out of her room, closing the door behind me.

Get it together, Solo. I rubbed my face with my hands. Friend. She told me she needed a friend. And, here I was thinking of every way I could take off those strappy, see-through unmentionables.

With my teeth.

"Ben?" Rey called softly on the other side of her door.

I froze.

"Could you help me?" She asked.

 _No. Call the service droid_. If I went back into that room….

"Please?"

How did one little word completely crumble my resolve?

I swallowed, and turned the door handle, then pushed it open slowly.

She was standing next to her bed, in the dress I'd given her, holding a string in both hands.

"It has this on the back, I don't know what it's for." She explained. "Could you-?"

I nodded before she finished, and stepped toward her, stopping an arms length from where she stood.

I allowed myself one lingering look, memorizing the way that the dress became her, complimenting her complexion, and bringing out the hazel in her eyes.

She looked lovely.

She stepped closer, to hand me the string hanging from the back of her dress, and stopped mere inches from me. She looked up, her eyes searching, and her lips parted.

She wet her lips with her tongue and held up the string, which I took, my thumb brushing against hers.

She was so close. I'd just have to lean in…

Her gaze went to my lips."Turn around." I said, my voice rough.

She swallowed, looking back up to meet my gaze, and turned, her eyes not leaving mine until her back was to me. She reached up, and moved her hair to one shoulder.

The string was a tightly woven lace to the corseted back I hadn't noticed the dress had.

I took a long breath, and reached for her with trembling fingers.I looped the lace through the eyelets on either side of her back, then took an end in both hands. "I'm going to tighten the waist." I told her.

"What does that mean-" She gasped as I tugged the laces."Is it too tight?" I asked.

She put a hand on her waist and shook her head, so I tied the laces into a neat bow.

She looked over her shoulder at me, looking at my lips once more before meeting my gaze. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." I said, and turned toward the door. "I'll meet you on the balcony."

Or in the garden, or on the lake dock, or hell, it didn't matter to me, as long as I got _out_ of this kriffing room.

"Meet you there " She said behind me as I walked out.


	14. Snuff

Rey joined me on the balcony fifteen minutes later, giving me enough time to get myself together.

We began with her showing me what she'd learned from Luke, which wasn't much, and we spent the rest of the day building her mental control.

By nightfall, we were exhausted. She asked for dinner to be sent to her room, and retired early.

I ate my own dinner at the table, and curiosity had me turning on a news holo caster, in search of the statement that the First Order had released about me.

As soon as I saw Hux's sneering face, I regretted my decision.

He had indeed declared himself acting Supreme Leader in my absence, and had vowed vengeance on the person responsible for my disappearance, his pale eyes sparkling with wicked glee.

I had to go back.

He'd tear the galaxy apart if I didn't stop him.

But, going back meant leaving Rey, and my stomach tied into knots at the thought.

I put my elbows on the tabletop and buried my head in my hands.

The Bond hadn't been accepted. We weren't mated. But, I couldn't leave her.

Not when she'd just left the Resistance and didn't have a home to go back to.

I also couldn't continue to ignore my responsibilities.

I stood, and turned the lights off, deciding to go to bed and work this out tomorrow.

oOo

I found myself on a dark hillside, struggling to find my footing in the soft ground. I stepped, and the rocks gave way under my foot, causing me to fall forward.

I pushed myself up, trying to find solid ground, but each step I made caused more ground to unsettle.

I kept moving forward, kept climbing, clawing my way to the top, and found footing enough to stand.

The hilt of my lightsaber was slick when I unbolted it from my belt. The sound of it igniting broke the still silence and I used its light to look down.

Wide, unseeing eyes stared back at me, from still faces frozen in terror, their mouths locked open in unsound screams.

I stumbled, and fell back onto the hilltop.

No, onto the mountain made of mutilated bodies.

In the sputtering red glow, I realized that my lightsaber hilt was slick with blood, and I dropped it, frantically wiping my hands on my pant legs.

They were also slick with blood.

I scrambled to my feet, but fell forward, into the endless sea of victims.

Of _my_ victims.

oOo

I bolted upright, the chill night air clinging to my sweat dampened skin, and hurtled toward the bathing room. I slipped when my bare feet hit the tile floor, falling to my knees and crawled the rest of the way to the toilet, where I was violently ill.

For several moments, the only sound in the room was my wretching as I vomited again and again.

I felt a cool hand on my bare back between my shoulders and I jerked.

"Breathe." Rey softly commanded, kneeling next to me.

I sucked a breath in through my mouth, and vomited again.

Her fingers brushed either side of my face as she pulled my hair back, holding it there until my stomach completely emptied.

I pulled away from her, and stood on wobbling knees, holding onto the sink as I washed my mouth out with clean water from the faucet. Once, twice, a third time, before I turned the water off and sank back to the floor. I curled up on my side, chest heaving as i tried to breathe, and shaking nearly to the point of convulsions.

I heard the water be turned on and off again, and then Rey was next to me, putting a cool, damp cloth on my brow.

"Breathe." She said, again.

I tried, but it felt like my chest was caving in.

She laid down behind me, and pressed her chest to my bare back, snaking an arm under my neck, and wrapped the other around me, gripping my tightly. "Focus on me." She said. "Do you feel how I'm breathing?"

I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling the gentle rise and fall of her body against mine. In. Out. In. Out.

"Breathe like me." She whispered, and I felt her breathe in.

I obeyed, taking in a lungful of air.

"Good." She praised. "Again."

I inhaled with her.

We laid like that, on the cold bathroom floor until my shaking subsided, and I felt her move to get up.

I looked up at her in panic, but she shook her head. "I'm not leaving you." And I relaxed.

She helped me to my feet, and walked me back into my bedroom.

My bed was an utter disaster, but she didn't even look at it, as she steered me toward her room.

"Lay down." She instructed, and I didn't object, climbing into her bed.

She laid down behind me, as she had been, and pulled the comforter up to cover my shoulders, wrapping her arms around me again.

I counted her breaths, until I slipped back into a dreamless sleep.

oOo

I woke slowly the next morning, taking a moment to recognize where I was.

The events from the night before came flooding back, and I looked behind me for Rey.

The bed was empty where she'd been.

I moved the covers, and went to stand, realizing then that I was nearly naked, having only worn my boxers to bed.

Before I could panic about having to streak across the hall in my underwear, I saw my robe draped along the foot of the bed.

Rey must have left it there for me.

I pulled it on, tying the sash around my waist, and walked out.

I found Rey the same way I'd found her yesterday morning, at the table with platters of food in front of her.

She paused, fork halfway to her mouth, and told me "Good Morning."

"Good morning." I said back, my voice scratching along my raw throat.

"This came for you." Rey said, handing me a beige colored envelope, sealed with purple wax, and stamped with the seal of Naboo.

It had maple syrup fingerprints on it, and she offered an apology before sucking the sticky goo off of her fingers.

I opened it and read the note inside.

"It's an invitation for dinner tonight." I told Rey. "Ciir'sae is throwing a party."

I put the invitation on the table and sat down in a chair next to her.

"Are we going?" Rey asked.

"Seems impolite not to." I said, rubbing my eyes with the back of my hand.

I felt fear Buzz down the Bond and my forehead creased.

I looked up at Rey who was rolling a sausage link around her plate with her fork. "Do you not want to go?" I asked.

She looked up at me. "What if everyone knows I'm a scavenger?"

My forehead crease deepened. "What?"

"I've never been to a party, and I don't know how to be around queens or politicians and what if I go in there, and everyone takes one look at me and knows that I'm just a Jakku slave." She crossed her arms to cover her markings, and looked down.

I reached over, and gently put my knuckle under her chin, pushing it up.

Her eyes flickered up to mine. "You've never been just a slave." I told her. "And, you are so much more than a scavenger. When people look at you tonight, they'll just see how beautiful you are. "

She smiled, her eyes sparkling. "You think I'm beautiful?"

"Yes." I told her. I lowered my shields, and showed her herself, but the way I saw her, how I'd always seen her. Before her, my life was a black hole of rage and grief. I'd been too consumed by my own nothingness to notice or care. But, she'd came into my life, her warmth and light thawing the heart I'd thought long dead. And, now, there was color, and brightness, and beauty. But, also softness, and compassion.

"What did you see when we touched hands?" She demanded.

I blinked, taken aback, and snapped my shields up. "What?"

"What did you see when we touched hands?" She repeated.

The image flashed into my head, and I frowned. "I don't think you want to see it."

"I'll show you mine." She offered, and before I could protest, she lowered her shields.

I saw the two of us, walking hand and hand to a waiting group of younglings. A new generation of Force users, with Rey and me as Masters, as my mother looked on.

I went home? I became a Master? Rey had told me she'd seen my turn back to the Light but this?

She looked at me, her face expectant.

 _Oh_. She wanted to see what I'd seen.

I hesitated.

"It _cannot_ be that bad." She said.

 _Wanna bet?_

She frowned when I didn't lower my shields for her to see. "Ben,"

"I don't think-" I started.

"Just show me." She insisted, and I did as she asked.

We were standing, facing each other, and I took her face in both of my hands and kissed her lovingly, smiling at her with a smile that creased my cheeks and the lines around my eyes.

"That's not-" she started, and stopped abruptly, seeing me kneel in front of her in the vision, and gently rub her enormous swollen belly, looking back up at her with so much love and devotion that it made my chest ache.

She gasped, and looked up at me, her eyes glistening.

"Rey," I tried to say but she jumped up and ran to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

I heard the lock slide into place and winced.


	15. Lola Montez

I spent the rest of the morning working out on the lake shore, then went for a run around the property. When I came back, I found a garment bag on my bed containing a traditional black suit.

Rey hadn't come out of her room. And, I didn't push the matter, figuring she just needed space to sort things out.

I showered and got ready, finding that the suit Ciir'sae sent fit like a dream. I walked across the hall and gently knocked on Rey's bedroom door.

"Almost ready!" She yelled from within her room.

I heard shuffling, from her or the service droid, I wasn't sure, and then she said from right behind the door. "You have to promise not to laugh."

"I'm not going to laugh." I promised and the door cracked open enough for her to stick her hand out, covered in a red satin glove, with her pinky in the air.

"Pinky promise?" She insisted.

I rolled my eyes, and looped my pinky around hers. "Pinky promise."

She held onto my finger. "Wow, I can't believe you just did that. A pinky promise is, like, the most wholesome thing ever." She teased. "You are steadily losing scary Dark Lord credibility, Solo."

I snatched my finger away. "Are you coming out, or not?"

She snaked her hand back behind the door. "Next thing I know, you'll be bringing stray puppies in here."

I didn't tell her that I'd actually given milk to a stray kitten I'd found under the balcony just this morning.

"I'm leaving." I said, turning.

"Ok, ok!" She relented, and pulled the door open.

I turned back around, just as she stepped out and my stomach completely dropped at the sight of her.

Her hair was down, curled, and pinned back on one side by a ruby and diamond encrusted silver comb.

Her gown matched those rubies exactly. It was satin, with ruffles that framed the v-neckline and went over both shoulders. It was long, dragging bit in the back, and it clung to her every curve.

She wore long matching gloves that covered both of her arms to well above her elbows.

She was, without a doubt, that most beautiful creature I'd ever had the privilege of laying eyes on.

And all I could do was stare.

Her eyes searched mine, trying to figure out what was going on inside of my head.

"You're exquisite." I breathed, and she beamed up at me, making my heart flutter.

I offered my arm to her, and she placed a gloved hand in the crook of my elbow, gripping it as we made our way to dinner.

oOo

We were greeted by Ciir'sae, and a younger man who stood at her side.

"Ben." Ciir'sae greeted. "Surely you remember my brother, Caledyn."

I took the hand that he stretched out to me and shook it. "Of course." I lied.

I remembered that she had a brother, and that he was at least a decade younger than us, and was just a kid when I last saw her.

He'd obviously grown up.

He was a few inches taller than his sister, with sandy blonde hair and eyes that were several shades of blue. With his straight nose, square chin, and strong jaw, he was what most would consider conventionally handsome.

He looked at Rey, first to her face, and then his gaze swept over her hungrily.

Id never seen anyone else look at her that way and I did not like it. Did not like him looking at her like that.

"Caledyn," Ciir'sae said, "This is Lady Rey."

Rey gripped his hand the same way she'd seen me do, and shook it. "It's nice to meet you."

Caledyn took her hand, turned it over, and brought it up to his lips. "My lady." He purred, brushing a kiss to her knuckles. "The pleasure is all mine."

My lip curled, and it took every bit of my self restraint not to bare my teeth at him and snarl.

I moved to put my hand in the small of Rey's back, and met bare skin.

I looked, seeing the entirety of her back, outlined by the red satin ruffles of her gown.

She looked up at me when my skin met hers, and we both blushed.

Caledyn pulled her seat out for her, and she took it, smiling up at him as she sat down. He took the seat next to her and I sat between him and Ciir'sae.

Service droids brought out the first course, a variety of breads and wines.

Caledyn took it upon himself to fill Rey's glass before filling his own.

My hands balled into tight fists under the table.

"It's been so long, cousin." Ciir'sae said, holding her glass as her brother poured wine into it. He offered to do the same with mine, and I shook my head tightly.

"Tell me, what have you been up to all these years?" Ciir'sae asked.

 _Killing and maiming and hacking people up into tiny little bits. That was, until I met Rey, who is my mate, and since then I've been torturing myself day in and day out because I refuse to tell her about the mating Bond, so that she won't have the opportunity to reject me again._

"I'd rather hear about you." I told her, honestly.

She shrugged. "There's not much to tell."

Caledyn scoffed. "Ciir'sae is the greatest Queen since your grandmother reigned. She's maintained peace while our neighbors go to war." He leaned back in his chair, swirling his wine. "She's just being modest."

"Only I am not the reason Naboo has known peace." Ciir'sae snapped at him. "The First Order could have invaded at any time, but they haven't." She looked at me. "And, I could never thank you enough for keeping the fighting away from us."

I looked at her, at the girl I'd grown up with. It was true. I'd gone out of my way to protect her, her kingdom, this planet. But, she'd done well keeping herself off of the First Orders radar.

I nodded once, and she gave me a knowing smile.

"Where are you from, Lady Rey?" Caledyn asked, leaning toward her. "And how do you know our cousin?"

A thinly veiled attempt to see if she was spoken for or available.

Rey took a breath. "I don't know where I'm from." She told him. "But I grew up on Jakku."

" _Jakku_?" Ciir'sae and Caledyn repeated in unison.

"And, Ben saved my life during The Battle of Hoth." She offered me a smile, and I returned it.

The service droids brought the second course, soup.

I watched Rey take the correct spoon from the arsenal of utensils laid out before her, and carefully dip it into the soup, keeping her back perfectly straight as she brought it up, and into her mouth.

She glanced up at me to make sure I was watching and I didn't have to fake the look of admiration on my face.

I wasn't sure where she'd learned which spoon to use, but how proud she was with herself was a sight to behold.

"How do you like Naboo?" Caledyn asked.

"It's beautiful!" She said, and I watched his gaze roam over her again.

 _Mine_. I wanted to growl. I wanted to extend my arm, and send him flying as far away from Rey as the Force allowed. I wanted to pull her into my arms, and seal this Bond right on the table between us.

That thought sent me reeling.

After dinner, Caledyn stood, and offered his hand to Rey. "Care for a tour of the palace?"

Her eyes slid to mine and I kept my face a cool mask of indifference.

She wasn't mine.

Not until she said otherwise.

And, she never would.

She cleared her throat and put her napkin on the table. "I'd love to." She said, taking his hand.

I watched, my heart sinking as they disappeared down the hall.

Ciir'sae leaned forward as soon as they were out of earshot. "Who is she?"

I was taken aback by her question. "I told you who she is."

"Yes." She agreed. "And, now I need you to tell me the truth."

When I didn't answer, she sighed. "I think I have a right to know who you've brought here."

I took a sip of my water. "She's training to be a Jedi."

"Is that where you met her?" Ciir'sae wanted to know.

"No." I answered honestly.

"Could you start giving me some real answers, please?" She demanded. "Where is she from?"

"She told you she's from Jakku."

Her eyes narrowed. "And you expect me to believe that?"

I nodded. "Yes, because it's the truth."

She stood up, her chair scraping the floor in protest, and snatched a holo caster from a nearby droid. She pressed it, and an image of Rey, on her three bun hairstyle flashed before me.

"Twenty _thousand_ credits on her head." She flipped the image, to a different news cast. "And, a desperate plea from your mother for information on her whereabouts, and you have the nerve to tell me that she's just a padawan from Jakku."

I tore my eyes from the hologram. "Ciir'sae, I know how this looks-"

"This _looks_ like you've kidnapped the crowned jewel of the Resistance." She confirmed.

I showed her my palms. "I swear to you, Cousin, she left the Resistance of her own free will."

"Does the Resistance know that?" She demanded.

"I thought they did, but-"

Ciir'sae cut me off. "If they come here for her, I'll have no option as Queen but to hand her over."

Hand her over, or risk war with The Resistance and their allies, and be shunned as the Queen who didn't help a victim escape her captor. I couldn't keep the devastation off of my face. "I didn't take her."

"I know that." She assured me, and moved her heavy skirts to sit back down. "You have a ship on the ready at all times incase she wants to go, and you've made it clear that she doesn't need your permission to leave." She leaned forward. "Does she know about The Bond?"

She could have slapped me in the face and I would have been less shocked. "How do you know about-"

"Do you think you're the only person in our family who is sensitive to the Force, Cousin?" She raised her chin. "I sensed it the moment she stepped off that dented saucer she flew here on." Her eyes flickered to mine. "A mated Force Bond, right?"

I swallowed hard. "Yes."

She hummed her understanding. "There is a law that was written millennia ago that protects those who are Mated in the Force. If you have your Bond with her confirmed, no one can take her from you."

Confirmed by a priest or a holy man or another Force user, if by some miracle we could find one. Then, officially declared mates, and inseparable, by galactic law.

I shook my head. "I cant."

Her brow furrowed. "What?"

"I cant." I repeated.

The crease between her brows deepened. "What do you mean?"

"I can't force this Bond on her." I said, my voice pleading with her to understand.

Her head tilted to the side, just a bit. "You wouldn't be forcing anything on her, Ben."

"Wouldn't I?" I growled. "Even if she accepted the Bond, it would damn her to a life with me. And you have no idea what she thinks of me."

"Do _you_?" Ciir'sae challenged. "Do you see the way she looks at you?"

I blinked, my heart skipping a beat. "What?" I gasped.

"She is so crazy in love with you, Ben. Nearly as in love with you as you are with her."

I tried to shake my head, to deny her words. But I was frozen, staring at her.

She leaned back in her chair. "Tell her. Seal the Bond. Have it confirmed. It's the only way to keep the Resistance from marching in here and taking her from you, and having every legal right to do so."

"Use the Bond to manipulate her into staying."

"That is _not_ what I said." She hissed.

"That's what everyone will _think_." I pointed out.

"Which is why you need it to be confirmed." She reminded me.

I shook my head again and waved my hand in dismissal. "Its not what she wants."

"Have you asked her?" She countered, and I looked at my plate, not answering. "That's what I thought." She chirped. "If you had, you'd know that it is what she wants. She wants you."

I shoved myself away from the table, and stood. "She does _not_." I snarled. "And, she _never_ will."

Ciir'sae didn't so much as blink. "Well, if you're so sure, you have nothing to lose."


	16. Iris

When.

No longer if.

I was going to tell her. I had to tell her.

It's all I could think about on the walk back to the house. I barely registered the movement when I opened the door and held it for her, then bid her good night and leaned forward to kiss her forehead.

It felt so normal, so natural, and I didnt remember until after I'd done it that we didn't have that type of relationship.

I turned back around to apologize, but she'd disappeared into her room and closed the door.

I couldnt sleep that night, my mind too busy with the decision that I'd made, and the words that Ciir'sae had said.

 _She's so crazy in love with you, Ben_.

Her being in love with me was impossible. People as good and beautiful as Rey didnt fall in love with creatures like me.

But, I couldnt stop thinking about my force vision, and her force vision, and the fact that she asked me to stay with her. She'd comforted me, guided me through my nightmare induced panic attack, and made no move to stop me when I touched, or in tonight's case, kissed her.

I felt the Bond tremble, and I lifted my head up, looking with wide eyes into the pitch black.

It was Rey. But, she wasn't in my room.

I reach out to her in the Force, and found her in her own bed, asleep.

And dreaming.

Her breathing hitched, and I moved to get up, to wake her from one of her nightmares, but then she sighed.

I stopped, easing back into my bed and heard her whisper through the Bond "Ben."

I fell asleep dreaming of the idea that maybe Rey loving me wasnt so impossible after all.

oOo

The next morning, I walked into the dining room, expecting to find Rey, but found the service droids cleaning off the table.

I walked around the house, not finding her, then stepped out on to the balcony.

A flash of blue by the lakeshore caught my eye. I looked, finding Rey, training with her lightsaber.

I asked for a light breakfast, finishing it in three bites, and changed into my clean clothes from Hoth, grabbing my own lightsaber and running down.

I ran up behind her, and she spun, bringing her saber down. I ignited mine, and brought it up in just enough time to block her blow..

"There you are." She said, panting. "I've been waiting on you for an hour." She moved, and we lowered our sabers.

"Well," I shrugged. "If I had known we were training today I wouldve been here on time."

She rushed forward, and I spun, throwing off her balance as she brought her saber down. She recovered quickly, and blocked my wide swing.

I dropped into a low crouch and came up, under her defenses. She spun a pirouette just before my blade could reach her, and cut a gracefully arching line that I had to bend backwards to avoid, feeling the heat of her saber as it sailed over the bare skin of my throat.

She followed with a low thrust, and I slashed down on her saber, driving its tip into the sand.

Her saber let out an angry hiss. She sheathed the blade, twirled the hilt to her left hand, and ignited it again, bringing it up, and around, and stopping a mere inch from my throat.

She grinned smugly. "Yield."

I answered with a fury of thrusts and blows that drove her back, immediately putting her on the defensive.

She swung her saber out to deflect my arching blow, but became over balanced on the block, and her arm went wide.

I thrust forward before she had a chance to recover, and pointed my blade in the middle of her chest. "Yield." I purred.

She launched a blinding uppercut swing, making me rock back on my heels. She followed with a downward slice.

I tried to get my blade up, but she swung, hitting the back of my hand with the hilt of her own weapon, and my saber went flying, landing in the sand several feet away.

I lost my footing, stumbled, and landed on the flat of my back.

She called my blade to her, ignited it, and crossed it over her own blade, putting the tips over both of my shoulders. "Yield." She panted.

I kicked at her feet with my leg, knocking her off balance, and leapt easily to my feet, calling my saber to me. I ignited it in enough time to block a short jab she aimed toward my belly, and

caught her wrist when she swung her blade down.

I anticipated her to drop her saber just to switch hands, as she'd done before, and pinned her other arm under mine. She swung her leg, bringing her heel into the back of my knee it buckled with the force of the blow.

I fell back, taking her with me, and we fell to the ground.

She retaliated quickly, locking my hips between her knees so that I couldn't move the lower half of my body, but I pulled her closer, flipping her onto her back, and gripped her wrists in both of my hands.

She gasped, looking up at me, and I realized that I was on top of her, with her legs cradling me between them.

"I yield." She breathed, and I released her immediately, sitting back in my feet.

She stared up at me, her face flushed, her chest heaving, and I offered her my hand, and she took it.

I pulled her up, and we sat there for a long moment as we tried to catch our breath.

"That was," She panted. "Good."

I nodded. "You, too."

She stood, brushing the sand off of her, and I followed suit.

She turned, and walked toward the lake, not slowing as she waded into the water to her knees, then bent down, and used both hands to cup water and wash the sweat off of her face.

I noticed then that she was in a pair of stretchy grey pants, and a white top made of the same material, clinging to her like a second skin.

"What now?" I asked, and she pivoted to look at me.

"Feel like a hike?" She offered, nodding toward the forest surrounding the lake.

I agreed, and we set off.

We hiked in silence for half an hour and she said abruptly. "Are we ever going to talk about yesterday?"

I stopped, and she turned to face me. "What about yesterday?"

"Your force vision." She reminded me.

 _Oh_. That.

Yes, we did need to talk about that.

"Alright." I crossed my arms over my chest. "What about it?"

"We're...together." She blurted.

"Yes." I agreed, prompting her to go on.

"In your vision we're together." She clarified. "Like, _together_ , together. And, I'm-" She blushed a deep red.

"I know." I told her, saving her from having to continue. "Listen, it doesnt mean anything." I assured her. "I know that's not something that you want."

Her eyes widened. "Not something I want? How could you say that? Even _think_ that?"

My forehead crinkled. "Why wouldnt I think that?"

She looked hurt. Like what I said had wounded her and that confused me further. "Rey, I offered that to you, in the throne room." I reminded her. "And, instead of taking my hand, you stole my grandfather's lightsaber and left me for dead."

Her bottom lip trembled and her eyes watered, and the sight was like a solid punch to my chest.

"That's what you think happened?" She gasped, tears streaking down her face.

"No, I dont think that's what happened, I was _there_." I said. "I remember."

"You didnt offer me a life with you in the light with a family." She argued, her voice thick. "You offered me a dark throne to rule the galaxy at your side like some sort of wicked sorceress."

"I offered you _me_." I countered, getting angry, "And we could have had any life you wanted," My own voice shook as hot tears blurred my vision. "You could've just told me what you wanted, and I would have given it to you. I would've done anything if it would make you happy. And, I begged you, _begged_ _you_ , to just take my hand and I would've given you everything. And you didnt!"

"But, I _wanted_ to." She admitted, and my entire world shattered.

Tears spilled over onto my cheeks, as I stared at her, my mouth hanging open.

"What?" I gasped.

'I wanted to take your hand." She said, her voice quaking. "Ben's hand. And, what you saw in your vision is what I want." Her gaze lowered to my lips. "It's what I've always wanted."

She wanted me? A life with me?

No, this was too much.

I felt as if the ground was going to swallow me whole.

Rey. _Rey_. The most perfect woman to ever exist wanted me.

She'd seen what I'd done, and she still wanted me.

I looked up, to see her go perfectly still, listening as she scanned the trees.

I opened my mouth to ask her what was wrong when I felt it, too.

The other Force signature.

Someone was in the woods, tracking, no, _hunting_ us. Not us.

 _Rey_.

Her head whipped to the side, her teeth bared, and then she blinked, and her face fell.

Her conflicted emotions rattled the Bond, as she stared.

Dread sent ice through my veins as I looked to my left at the figure Rey's eyes were locked on.

At FN-2187.


	17. Wait

My instinct was to take a defensive stance in front of my mate, ignite my saber, and protect what was mine from the man in front of us.

But, I didn't.

Through the swirl of emotions that she sent down the Bond, I knew, at least, that she knew he wouldnt hurt her.

She took three steps forward when he came near, and let him pull her into a tight hug.

He gave me a furious gaze over her shoulder before he pulled away. "Are you hurt?" He demanded.

She shook her head. "I'm fine."

He sighed and pulled her into another hug. "I was so worried." He said, his voice muffled agaisnt her shoulder. "When you didn't come back to base after Hoth, I thought the worst." He pulled away, still holding on to her forearms. "Then, I heard that _he_ -" FN-2187 gave a quick nod in my direction. "Was missing, too, I knew it wasnt a coincidence. And, I came to save you."

Save her. From me. Or, from who he thought I still was, at least.

She gave him a sad smile. "I knew you would." She said. "Which is why I sent the message to Leia."

He shook his head. "Yeah, but you didnt mean that."

She frowned. "Yes, I did."

His face tightened. "Rey, I came to take you home."

 _Home_.

Yes, I suppose the Base was the closest thing that Rey had to a home. And, Fn-2187 was her best friend. He, my mother, and a tiny woman called Rose had become Rey's family, and I wasn't oblivious to how much it hurt her to leave them.

I felt her desire to go with him flood the Bond, and my heart broke so completely, I'm sure they heard the crack.

I still hadnt told her the truth. The Bond between us was just a ghost of what it could be, and, with the only exception of what she'd admitted to me but moments ago, nothing had changed.

She could go back with him. She could go _home_.

It would utterly destroy me.

And, I'd have to find a way to be ok with it.

Because this wasnt my decision.

It was hers.

I shoved my own feelings aside, and sent all the reassurance I could muster to her, the Bond practically glowing with it, and watched as some tension between her shoulders eased.

He turned to go back the way he came. "C'mon, let's go-"

"No." She told him, and my heart stuttered to a stop, as we both looked at her in shock.

Though the word had been whispered, it was strong, and firm.

A declaration. A _choice_.

And, a glimmer of hope that took root in my battered soul. My look of shock melted into one of awe. Because it was also confirmation that she felt something for me. Not hatred, not disgust. I knew in that moment, that she didnt think I was a monster, because she'd chosen to stay with me.

And, I could barely hold myself upright as relief washed over me.

Fn-2187 didnt want to believe it.

"You belong with us." He told her.

"And, what about Poe?' She asked.

His face fell. "Look, what Poe did was wrong. He's sorry." He offered Rey his hand, as if Poe being sorry and knowing he was wrong fixed everything, and had made her change her mind about coming with him.

She just stared at his hand miserably. "I'm not going back, Finn."

He studied her, his eyebrows pulled together, then lowered his hand, balling it into a fist at his side.

I tensed, my hand reflexively tightening on the hilt of my lightsaber.

"Because of Poe or because of _him_?" He demanded through clenched teeth. He looked at me, his eyes burning with hatred. "What have you _done_ to her?"

He took a threatening step forward, but before I could react, Rey thrust herself between us, putting both of her hands on his shoulders, stopping him. "Nothing." She said, calmly. "He hasn't done anything to me."

That was another declaration that FN-2187 didn't believe.

"He's using The Force." He told her, and from where I stood, I could see his eyes glisten. "He's controlling your mind."

Rey shook her head. "No, he isnt."

"He's making you say-" His face hardened. "What else does he make you do?"

I couldnt help the snarl that escaped my throat at his implication, and he looked up, his unshielded mind throwing image after image of the disgusting things he thought I was making her do.

I charged forward, and Rey held her hand up, stopping me in my tracks.

 _I'll handle this._ She assured me, through the Bond.

I took a breath, and stepped back, watching her.

"Finn, look at me." Rey commanded, softly. "Look at me."

He obeyed, tearing his gaze from me to look at her.

"He's not controlling me." She said. "And, he hasn't made me do anything."

He scoffed.

"Finn." Rey called, and he met her gaze again. "I swear to you, that he hasn't so much as laid a hand on me."

His eyes slipped to me, considered for a moment, and I knew that he didn't believe a word of it.

Because he'd seen me do far worse.

And, to him, I'd never be anything more than the monster who'd ordered him to open fire on an entire village of innocent people on Jakku.

Even with his best friend insisting otherwise.

I looked down, unable to meet his gaze.

"Rey, please." He begged. "They need you, _I_ need you to come home."

She pulled him into another hug, and he squeezed his eyes shut, holding her. But, she gave him a quick kiss on his cheek and whispered "Goodbye, Finn."

His eyes snapped open, watching her as she stepped several paces back to stand in front of me.

"Rey-" He breathed, staring at her in disbelief.

"Go back to Base." She told him. "And, tell them that I left of my own free will. That I'm safe, and cared for, and that I'm not coming back."

FN-2187 set his jaw as he stared at us, funneling every bit of his rage at me.

I stared at him, unblinking. I could take his anger, but, judging from the way the Bond trembled, Rey couldnt.

He pointed at me. "I will find a way to break her free of your control." He vowed. "And, when I do, I'll be seeing _you_ again."

I didn't miss the threat in his voice.

He turned, and vanished into the forest.

I put a hand on Rey's shoulder, not knowing what to say, and she put a hand over mine, pulling it off of her. "I'm fine." She said, turning to hike back down to the house.


	18. Bother

**Author's note:**

 **This chapter is rated M for rape.**

 **If you are triggered, this is your warning.**

 **oOo**

She didn't speak on the way to the house. She went straight to her room, and shut the door, and did not come out for the rest of the day. She didn't join me for lunch, or dinner.

I was turning out the lights, about to head to bed, when I spotted her sitting on the ledge of the balcony.

Her hair was down, and she wore a dress made of several sheer layers, its skirt fluttering in the soft breeze.

I walked out, and sat down, facing her.

We sat in silence for a long moment before she said. "I appreciate it, Ben. I really do. But, I don't want to talk about it."

I shrugged. "We don't have to talk about it. We can talk about something else."

"Like what?" She asked.

"Like, anything." I told her. "You. Me."

She raised an eyebrow. "You?"

I nodded. "If you want."

Her eyes brightened. "What about you?"

I shrugged again. "What do you want to know?"

She chewed on her bottom lip, pondering. "What's your full name?"

"Benjamin Luke Amidala Skywalker Organa Solo." I fired back, instantly.

She laughed once. "Why?"

"Benjamin after Ben Kanobi. I'm not related to him, but my parents always told me that he was the reason they met, so they named me after him. Luke after my uncle. My grandmother was Queen of Naboo, and I have her last name, as well as my grandfather, Anakin, his last name. My mother was adopted, and her adopted dad was a senator on Alderaan, so I have his last name of Organa, and then, Solo."

For obvious reasons.

"So, you come from _three_ lines of royalty?" She gasped.

I shrugged a third time. "Depending on your definition of royalty, yeah."

"Tell me about your first kiss."

My eyebrows shot up. "First kiss?" She nodded. "Ok, it was a game of spin the bottle. But, I was in training, and we didn't have a bottle, so we used a lightsaber."

"What is spin the bottle?" Rey asked.

"You and a group of other people sit in a circle, with a bottle in the middle, and you spin it, and who ever it lands on, you have to kiss." I explained.

"Who did it land on?"

"Staci Caruthers." I sighed, remembering. "When we leaned in, our teeth hit, and there wasn't much kissing going on after that."

"So, who was your first _real_ kiss?" She asked.

"Real as in?" I probed.

"Tongue." She clarified.

"Wow, I was going to go with the first one lasting more than 3 seconds." I looked up, searching my memory. "First tongue kiss." I sighed. "Uh, Kitra Olwyn. She was my first 'girlfriend.'" I brought up both hands to motion quotation marks. "We were both about fourteen. We went through Jedi Academy together, and she would come to my hut sometimes."

"Did you do it?" Rey asked, and I raised an eyebrow.

She rephrased. "Did you and her go all the way?"

I understood her perfectly the first time, but it was more fun acting like I had no idea what she was saying to see how many ways she could ask.

"You know," She tried again. "Relations."

I pressed my lips together in a thin line to keep from smiling, and managed to keep the confused look on my face.

"Affairs." She sighed when I didn't answer. "Intercourse."

I cracked, and started laughing. "No." I shook my head. "No, not with Kitra."

"But you have, before?"

My smile faded. "Yeah."

She stared at me, and I sucked on my teeth. "The night I turned, I went to Snoke, and pledged my allegiance to him." I told her. "And, he gifted me a courtesan named Sevryn."

She made a face.

"You look confused." I said, my voice rough. "Do you know what a courtesan is?"

She nodded. "I know what it is." She said, and her eyes narrowed. "But you, really don't want to talk about this, and I don't know why."

I hummed, remembering that she felt what I felt through the Bond. "I don't like talking about Snoke." I admitted. "I don't have a single memory or experience that's just mine, because he was there, in my head."

"Even with _that_?" She asked, in a small voice.

" _Especially_ with that." I told her. "He used it as a reward. If I did well, he would gift me Sevryn. But, if I sought her, or anyone else out on my own, I was punished."

Her face lost its color. "How?" She whispered.

I swallowed. I didn't want to tell her, but my mental shield cracked, and my memories played for her.

I was young, a patch of skin behind my right ear still healing from where I'd cut off my padawan braid with my lightsaber.

I was suspended on the floor, nude, my arms and legs bound with the Force, and a ball of force lightning was shoved into my mouth, acting as a gag.

A young woman was brought in to the throne room, and she eyed me nervously before bowing before Snoke.

"What is your name, my dear?" Snoke asked, smoothly.

"Evony." She answered, and her voice shook.

"Do you see my young apprentice, Evony?" He pointed with a crooked finger over to me, and I struggled against my restraints.

Evony didn't look up, or over to me. She kept her eyes down as she nodded.

"Make him cum." Snoke commanded.

I tried to protest over the gag, but it came out sounding like a strangled whimper.

Evony stood, and turned, dropping her silken robe as she walked over. I saw her hands shake as she took me into them and started stroking.

Though I resisted, my body reacted to her touch, and she straddled me, moving forward to position herself, her breasts lightly brushing my collar bones, then she rocked back, taking me inside of her.

I involuntarily gasped at the sensation, as I heard her sharp intake of breath.

She put both of her hands on my chest to steady herself as she started to move, her hips rising and falling, releasing me, and then taking me back in.

"Faster, Evony!" Snoke growled, and she obeyed, quickening her pace.

I felt my release building, felt her inner muscles flutter around me, and then a bolt of blue lightning seared into me.

Evony screamed, scrambling away, as my own muffled screams echoed off the walls.

Snoke strode over to her, and bent down, gripping her chin with a gnarled hand, and roughly turned her face up toward his. "Who told you to stop?" He demanded, and threw her back onto me.

She looked up at him with wide eyes, frightened tears already glistening on her cheeks.

"I said _make him cum_." Snoke repeated, the threat heavy in his voice.

She looked back at me, and kneeled down between my legs. "I'm so sorry." She breathed, grabbing me again.

I blinked, and my eyes focused. I remembered where I was, and who I was with.

Rey looked like she was going to vomit.

"I'm sorry " I said.

" _Dont_." She snarled. "Don't apologize for what he did to you."

I looked down, my ears burning.

"Did he do that every time?" She whispered.

I swallowed. "Unless it was a gift from him."

"Like Sevryn."

I nodded. "Like my first time with Sevryn."

"Were you punished for other times with her?" Rey asked.

I frowned, remembering. "Yes."

"Have you been with anyone since-" She started.

"I killed him?" I finished for her and shook my head. "No."

Her forehead creased. "Why?"

I stopped myself from blurting _because_ _they're not you_ , and just shrugged one shoulder.

She blushed, and looked out at the moonlight dancing on the lake.

A long, silent beat passed before I stood, and bid her a good night.

I went to my room, changed, and had just gotten into bed and pulled the covers up when I heard a soft knock on my door.

Since my door wasn't closed, I looked up, to find Rey in the doorway.

"Rey?" I asked, my brow furrowing. "What's wrong?"

She took a step forward, and I saw that she was in lavender colored teddy style lingerie, covered by a sheer matching robe that she'd left untied.

My heart staggered, then started thundering in my chest. "Rey-" I breathed, watching her walk to the end of my bed, and crawl onto it.

I pushed myself up into a sitting position and she rose up onto her knees, and straddled me, sitting in my lap.

"What are you doing?" I panted, though I didn't know when I'd started panting.

She put her hands on either side of my face, her eyes searching mine. "I'm giving you an experience that's just yours." She said.

And then she pressed her lips to mine.


	19. Dosed

"Wait." I said, pulling away, and she straightened, sucking on her bottom lip as she studied me.

But, the smell of her filled my nose and my head, clouding my other senses. Her weight rested on my thighs, and I could feel her heat through the thin sheet. Her hands were on either side of my face, her thumbs stroking my cheeks tenderly, and the look she gave me could not be construed as anything other than desire.

She wanted this. Wanted me.

The Bond buzzed with excitement, coursing through us, its need to be sealed a desperate plea ringing in my ears.

And, fuck, I wanted it, too. Wanted her.

I groaned in surrender, and crushed my mouth to hers, wrapping my arms around her, and pulling her to me.

Her hands left my face to go around my neck, knotting in my hair, as she melted into me.

I traced her lips with my tongue, and she parted them, allowing me access. Letting me taste her.

I grew hard beneath her, and she broke away to throw her head back and moan, grinding her pelvis into me.

I kissed her jaw, her neck, and she moved to pull her robe off in one fluid motion, throwing it to the floor.

My kisses trailed along her collar bone, meeting the thin strap of the negligee she was wearing, and I reached up to pull it off or her shoulder.

I stopped, my fingertips brushing her skin, and swallowed.

Through my lust driven haze, I remembered that the physical act of love would seal The Bond.

If she gave herself to me, she'd be mine, whether she knew what she was doing or not.

And, I couldn't do that to her.

Rey sighed at my hesitation, and moved a hand to cup my cheek, pulling my face back to hers, and kissing me hungrily.

"Rey," I said, against her lips.

She moaned my name in response, wrapping an arm around my shoulders, and I felt her fingernails drag across the bare skin on my back.

I broke the kiss, and pulled away, "Stop."

She did, and looked up at me. Her lips were parted, and swollen.

"What is it?" She panted.

"I- I cant." I told her, trying to catch my own breath.

Her brow furrowed. "Why?" She asked in a small voice.

"Because there's something that I haven't told you." I admitted, and her eyes softened.

"I know." She breathed, sending ice down my spine.

I lowered my chin. "You know?"

She nodded, resting a hand on my cheek.

I had so many questions. How long had she known? Why did she never say anything? But, when I opened my mouth to ask her, the only thing that came out was a broken "How?"

She blushed. "I've done some reading." She confessed. "And, I know the first time will be painful. It's ok." She kissed me again, and I pulled back, again.

My forehead creased. What was she talking about?

It took longer than I'd like to admit for me to realize what she was actually saying.

Her first time.

Thank the Maker above that I'd stopped when I did.

I sighed. "No, that's not-" I shook my head. "That's not what I need to tell you."

"Ben," She dropped her hands from my face, and laid them flat on my chest. "I want this with you." She told me, locking her gaze with mine.

My heart broke.

Because she wanted me. And, I couldn't have her.

Not without her knowing the truth.

She looked down, then back up. "I'm ready." She said.

"But, I'm not." I confessed.

She sat up, her brow creasing. "But, you've had sex before."

"Yes, I have." I agreed. "But, it's different with you."

She looked at my lips, and when her eyes met mine again, there was nothing but heat and need in those molten honey orbs.

Explanations be gods-damned. We'd already said too many words anyway.

I captured her lips with mine, biting her bottom lip, and tugging it, then darting my tongue inside.

She groaned, grinding into me, and I ran my hands up her arms, to her shoulders, and pulled the straps off.

I broke away enough to watch the thin fabric fall, and I froze, not knowing what I should do next.

Rey flipped her hair back, and took my hands in hers, pulling them up, and deliberately placed them over her now exposed breasts.

I leaned in, kissing her neck, as I rolled her breasts in my hands. Lapping and nipping at the soft flesh of her throat, while teasing her nipples to pert little buds.

She moaned, grinding harder into me, and I gripped her thighs, rolling us over so that she was on her back.

I sat back onto my feet, and she hooked her thumbs into the negligee bunched up around her waist, and lifted herself up, pulling it off, and threw it into the floor with her discarded robe.

I drank in the sight of her, her bare breasts, her abdomen. Then, my gaze traveled lower to the dark curls at the apex of her thighs, as she curled her legs around me.

She sat up, her lips going to my neck, and her hands going to the waistband of my sleep pants.

I gently moved her hands away, and she looked up at me, confusion lacing her features.

"I want to touch you, first." I told her, my voice raw with want. I'd never wanted anyone as badly as I wanted her.

She laid back down, and parted her legs in silent invitation, never breaking eye contact with me.

I leaned forward, my mouth finding hers, our kiss open and deep as our tongues clashed.

My hand traveled down, drawing lazy circles around her navel, then crept lower, as my kisses trailed down her jaw to her neck.

She bucked, and moaned, putting her hand over mine and pushing it lower still, over the mound of dark curls, and I stroked a finger along her inner lips, finding her thoroughly soaked.

My thumb circled her clit, taunting, teasing, and I savored the feeling of her slickness on my fingers, growing harder than I thought possible.

She groaned, and quick little pants poured out of her, as I went lower, and plunged a finger into her.

Her hips bucked, and I moved my kisses lower, taking her nipple into my mouth, and teasing it with my tongue, as she writhed beneath me.

I added another finger, but with The Bond bloomed open between us, felt that I was stretching her uncomfortably, so I pulled it back, continuing with just one.

She moaned and panted, her hands fisting in the bedsheets, as she arched into my touch.

"That's it." I whispered, feeling her release build in her core through The Bond.

She moved her hands to my face, and pulled me up, so that she could crush her lips to mine.

She panted, her eyes closed, her head thrown back, her unintelligible cries begging me not to stop.

"Rey." I called, and she looked at me. _Come for me_. I begged, through the Bond.

And she shattered.

Her tightness squeezed down on my finger soaked with her as she came, her entire body shaking.

I stroked her inner walls until her trembling subsided, then withdrew from her, and she watched as I brought my fingers to my mouth and licked them clean.

I could taste her every single day for eternity and it wouldn't be enough.

She leaned forward, wrapping her hand around my aching cock, and I pulled her hand away.

"You should get some rest." I told her, bringing her hand up to kiss her palm.

She didn't protest. She sat up, and pulled the comforter up, then laid down, letting me pull her into my arms.

She laid her head on my chest, and was asleep in minutes.

I laid awake, the smell of her still on me, and stared up at the ceiling.

She had wanted what we'd done. She'd wanted more. And, had offered her virginity to me.

But, were the feelings that she had for me hers, or the Bond?

If I felt its pull, so did she. What if she was confusing its desire for her own?

I knew what it was like to be a pawn in someone else's game. To be used and abused until there was nothing left.

And, I'd be damned if I let that happen to Rey.

I loved her too much.

That realization shook me to my very core.

 _Love._

I'd never loved anyone, and wasnt sure if anyone had ever loved me.

But, I _loved_ her.

What I felt for her wasnt just The Bond. Of that, at least, I was sure.

But, if what I felt wasnt a manipulation, hers wasnt either.

That meant, that she…

I tightened my arms around her and kissed her hair.

And, she kept my nightmares at bay.


	20. Northern Lights

My eyes fluttered open, and in the dim light of my room, I saw Rey's head on my chest. Her arm was around me, and her leg was in between mine.

Her breathing was even and slow.

I untangled myself, and got up, changing out if my sleep pants, and pulled my workout clothes on.

I left my lightsaber and headed out to the lakeshore, opting for more traditional military conditioning, sit ups, push ups and the like.

It did little to distract me.

The events of last night played in my head. All we'd done, not done. Said, and not said. There was more that I needed to tell her, now. Not only about the Bond, but also how I felt about her. And, where I was scared before, now I was terrified.

I'd been on the beach an hour, maybe two, when I heard light footsteps approach.

"Wish I woulda known we were training." Rey said from behind me. "I would've brought my saber."

I turned to see her in a tight fitting long sleeved shirt and leggings.

"I'm not training." I told her, turning back and stretching out to go for a run.

"Do you regret last night?" She asked, her voice low, and I whirled on her.

"No!" I said, too quickly, panic making my voice sharper than I'd like. "Do you?"

"Well," She counted on her fingers. "I woke up alone, spent the morning alone, and when I finally see you, you act like _this_."

I looked away. "I have alot on my mind."

"I know." She sighed. "You're sending everything right down The Bond."

I checked my mental shields. They were up, and had been up all morning.

"No," She amended. "I cant _hear_ you, but I feel everything."

 _Fuck_.

I'd wanted space to sort everything out, needed time to figure out how to tell her. But, all she felt was my anxiety and hesitation without a shred of context.

And, insecurity had gotten the better of her.

 _Maker above, what have I done?_

I looked at her. "Rey-"

"I'll ask again." She seethed. "Do you regret it?"

I stepped forward, and she let me take her face in my hands. "No." I assured her. She looked away, tears misting her eyes.

"Rey, look at me." I begged.

She did.

"No." I said, again. "I dont regret it. And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I made you feel that I did."

She looked away again.

"Rey," I called, and her eyes slid back to mine. "I just needed some time to sort some things out, that's all."

She reached up, and pulled both of my hands away from her face. "Why didn't you make love to me last night?" She demanded.

Before I could think of some bullshit excuse, she went on. "What is this Bond between us? Why are you so terrified of me finding out about it?"

My heart skipped a beat, her questions sending ice through my veins.

I'd told myself that if she ever asked about the Bond, point blank, that I would tell her the truth. And, she just had.

I didn't know where to begin, so I just stood there with my mouth hanging open.

"Just tell me." She begged. And, I decided to just start from when I found out about The Bond.

"Do you remember," I said, my voice quaking. "When we learned that we could shield?"

She nodded.

I swallowed. "When I was researching that, I-"

The Bond groaned, low and guttural, making the hair on my arms stand on end. A frantic warning that my mate was in danger.

Then several things happened at once.

Rey's face drained of color, as she moved to thrust her body behind mine, and I focused all of my power to form a Force shield around her.

A shield that did not hold, because a dozen stun darts pierced my back and shoulders. Tiny pricks of pain that spread into all consuming agony as my muscles locked up.

Another wave of arrows hit, embedding into my thighs and legs, and my only thought, my only focus as I sank to my knees, was Rey.

The Bond between us went still as death as the Force was drained from me, and in its wake, a cold empty ache settled into my gut.

Rey screamed my name, and knelt down in front of me, panic clouding her face, and then she looked up, teeth bared, at the Resistance fighters who encircled us.

FN-2187 approached us cautiously, as someone would a trapped animal, and Rey stood, extending her arms to shove him away with The Force.

He didn't move.

He stared at her, frowning, and she looked down at her hands in shock, then to the tiny dart now protruding from her side.

"It's just a sedative." FN-2187 explained, as him and Poe approached us from different sides. "After yesterday, I realized his hold was too strong for you to break free on your own."

Rey fell to her knees next to me, and I set my jaw, groans of pain escaping through my clenched teeth as I pushed myself up. "Get the _fuck_ away from her." I growled.

Some fighters took a step back, but Poe lept forward and swiftly put his boot in my stomach. I doubled over, the breath knocked out of me, and he grabbed a fistful of my hair and pushed my head down, bringing his knee up to meet it brutally.

I felt and heard the crunch of cartilage, the snap of bone, and went down onto my side, gasping for breath around the blood now pouring from my nose and mouth.

"Ben." Rey whimpered weakly, and I looked up at her through the blood in my eyes. She'd fallen into the sand, with her arm stretched out toward me.

"Leave-" I spat out a mouthful of blood. "Leave her alone. Take me-"

Poe laughed once and kicked me in my ribs, once, twice, a third time. I felt something snap with his third kick, the pain threatening to swallow me.

"Stop." Rey pleaded, and I could barely hear her broken whisper over the roaring in my ears. "Please, stop."

"Get her." He said over his shoulder.

FN-2187 bent down and gathered her into his arms, "We'll get you home," He said to her. "And this nightmare will be over." I watched as silent tears streamed down her face.

I put my hands under me, and put all my strength into pushing myself up, into going after her, the urgent need to protect her more important than the pain I felt, or the stun darts that rendered my limbs useless.

Because my _existence_ was useless without her.

Poe grabbed the front of my tunic and hoisted me up, punching my temple with his clenched fist.

Everything went black, and came back in an instant.

"I would stay that arm," I heard Ciir'sae warn. "If you wish to keep it."

"With all due respect, your Majesty," Poe sneered. "I dont think you know who you're harboring."

She hummed. "You came for the girl, you have her. I'm afraid your welcome is now overstayed."

Poe pulled me closer to him, and said under his breath, "One day, I will repay every horror you've done to her these past few weeks." Then he released me, and backed away, as a ship docked behind him.

I watched, as the Fighters filed in, and FN-2187 carried Rey on board.

The loading door closed behind Poe, and the ship disappeared as it jumped into drive.

And I started screaming.


	21. Echo

**Ciir'sae**

I screamed for a medical droid, and ran over to Ben who was desperately trying to drag himself toward where the ship had been. Screaming, sobbing, his body shaking with the strain.

He lost consciousness just before the droid arrived, and I had him taken to the infirmary, as I went and changed out of my stately gown, and washed the makeup off of my face.

When I returned, I was informed that he was in surgery to remove the darts, and reset his ribs so I sat and waited.

And waited.

I was about to rush into the operating room myself when a doctor, not a droid, walked out.

My blood ran cold. "It's bad, isn't it?" I whispered as soon as he was in earshot.

The doctor hesitated before bowing his head. "Yes, your Majesty."

As soon as I'd gotten the land request from the Resistance, I'd shot up and ran toward the Amidala estate, finding the house empty.

By the time I finally found them on the lake shore, they had Rey, and Ben was a beaten, bloody mess.

I'd stopped the captain, mid-punch, from doing any more damage.

I nodded for the Doctor to continue and he held up two glass vials, each containing darts.

"This," He said, referring to one of the vials, "Is your average black market stun dart. They embedded into his skin and the muscle underneath, and sent out an electrical pulse, rendering him unable to move. We've removed these and the damage is minor."

He held up the other vial. "And, these contain a poison I've never seen before, made from the blood of Ysalamiri."

Ysalamiri were a type of lizard, and the only known living thing able to block Force powers.

"Unknown poison means unknown antidote." I reasoned, and he nodded.

I swore under my breath.

"We don't know what it does, we don't know how much is fatal, we don't know…" He shrugged. "Anything. We've done what we can to make him comfortable."

"Send the darts to the lab and have an antidote made immediately." I told him.

He bowed. "Yes, your Majesty."

oOo

 **Leia**

Finn and Dameron reported to me as soon as they returned.

They'd taken Rey to the medical bay, and provided me with a brief description of her rescue.

We'd suffered no losses, no injuries, due to the sedative Poe had found that blocked Force abilities, combined with the stun darts.

I dismissed them both and made my way to see Rey, afraid of the condition I'd find her in.

I'd expected wounds consistent with being held captive for months, but she, to my surprise, didn't have a mark on her.

She was in new clothes, and boots, and she was clean. While Rey had always been a thin woman, she'd obviously gained weight, the sharpness of her body rounding a bit.

If it weren't for her face being red and swollen from crying, I'd say her claims of being safe and cared for were accurate.

I knew better.

She looked up from where she was seated on a hospital bed.

I'd flown in a psychiatrist, Dr. Doneial, who specialized in traumatic stress. She stood at Rey's bedside.

Our doctor, Dr. Keigher, stood on the other side, and was making notes as she asked Rey a series of routine questions.

"We'll need to examine you." She was saying.

"Why?" Rey demanded.

"To determine the extent of the abuse." Dr. Keigher explained.

Rey's eyebrows shot up. "Abuse?" She repeated.

Our doctor handed her a small paper cup containing a single pill.

"What is this?" Rey asked.

"It will prevent pregnancy. " Dr. Keigher explained.

Rey handed it back. "I don't need it, then."

I exchanged looks with the doctors.

"Rey," Dr. Doneial said, softly. "Its normal to sympathize with your captor, or not want to do anything that will anger him-"

"I wasn't held captive." Rey interrupted. "He didn't take me." She looked at me. "He saved my life on Hoth. If it weren't for him I'd be dead."

I cleared my throat. "I understand that this may be confusing-"

"I'm not confused about what happened, Leia, _you are_." She insisted.

Her eyes filled with tears. "Poe attacked me before the battle, and I told Ben that I didn't want to come back as long as he was here."

"I've reprimanded Captain Dameron on his behavior." He'd been demoted, taken a pay cut, and was still attending substance abuse classes. "He's sorry. More sorry than you realize."

She ignored me completely. "I don't need this pill because there's no chance I'm pregnant." She explained.

"It only takes one time." Dr. Keigher reminded her.

"I'm a virgin." Rey announced, and the doctors both gave me wide eyed looks.

She went on. "Despite what you think your son is capable of, he never forced anything on me. Didn't even touch me unless I asked him to." She shook her head, her bottom lip quivering. "He didn't kidnap me. _You_ have. And, I _demand_ you take me back." She crosses her arms over her chest like a defiant child.

I motioned for Dr. Doneial to follow me and we exited the room, closing the door behind us.

I wanted so badly to believe Rey. I wanted to trust that she'd found a way to bring Ben back to the Light. _No one is ever really_ _gone_ , Luke had told me. And, despite what he'd done, and what he'd taken from me, I still wanted him back. I still loved him.

"Is it at all possible that she's telling the truth?" I asked, desperation softening my tone.

"The truth to her, I'm afraid." Dr. Doneial sighed. "Kylo Ren is powerful with mind control. It is possible that he made her believe that she wanted to stay with him or engage in whatever acts they did, even if it wasn't coitus." She gave me a sympathetic look. "I believe it's Stockholm Syndrome."

My shoulders sagged in disappointment.

"It's best that we try to be as supportive as we can be. Not force anything else on her. Try to get her back to her normal routine. Healing from something like this takes time."

I nodded and we walked back into the room.

"You'll be bunking with Rose." I told Rey. "If you don't want to take the pill or have the examination, fine."

"When will my abilities come back?" She wanted to know.

I took a deep breath. "You will be required to take a daily dose of the serum that blocks the Force until we find a way to break The Bond."

She looked up at me in utter despair, real devastation on her face, in her eyes. "Break The Bond?" She gasped.

My chest ached, my own connection to the Force teeming with disapproval. "If we don't, he'll always have a way to find you." I tried to reason. But, her face crumpled.

"No. I don't want it broken." She started to cry. "He didn't do any of this, Leia, he didn't _do_ anything." And then her crying became wrecking sobs. "Please take me back."

And I lost my ironclad grip on my patience. "I will not send you back just to be raped or beaten and manipulated into thinking it didn't happen because he has control of your mind. Because no matter what you say, I know that he's still _Kylo_ _Ren_."

She shook her head. "He's not. He's Ben, I swear he's Ben."

I straightened, fighting an urge to cry so hard it made my throat ache. "You're bunking with Rose." I said again and quickly left the room.


	22. Empty Space

**Author's note:**

 **this chapter contains rape** **and suicide**

 **if you are triggered, this is your warning.**

 **oOo**

I woke up in a black space, and stared around in the nothingness.

"Rey?" I called looking around.

I stood, and started walking, wondering. I remembered that I was going to tell her the truth. Her screaming, me trying to protect her, pain. So much pain. Then, I was here.

I heard her then.

At first, it was faint, barely loud enough for me to detect. But, I soon recognized the sound was her crying.

"Rey?" I called again, growing frantic.

I spotted the door to my chamber on the Finalizer, white light seeping through the cracks around it, and stepped closer, her broken sobs growing louder.

The door swung open when I approached it, and I saw Rey standing at the foot of my bed.

Her tunic was ripped, barely hanging onto one shoulder, and I saw scratches down her back.

She turned to face me, and my stomach hollowed out.

Her neck, shoulders, and chest were marked with bruises, bite marks, and scratches. Her bottom lip was cut on one side and bleeding. Her arms were bruised. Her pants and underwear lay in tatters across the rumpled sheets, and she did nothing to cover her nakedness, or the blood that streaked lines down her thighs.

"Rey-" I choked out, my guts churning.

"What's the matter, Ben?" She asked, her voice caustic. "Cant stomach what you've done?"

It felt like the floor was going to swallow me. What I'd done?

No, I wouldn't, I couldnt.

I shook my head. "I didnt-"

"You did." She insisted, holding out her arm.

There was a blackening handprint on her forearm, and I held my hand up next to it, lining my fingers and palm with the bruises perfectly.

And, with my hand upraised, I saw that it was also marked with cuts and scratches. I looked down, turning my hands over, noticing I was also nude, and watched the scratches go up my arms, to my chest, and there was dried blood on my pelvic region.

But, the blood wasn't mine.

I started to shake.

I looked back up at her. I was panting, burning, unbearable heat rising to engulf me.

"I dont give a shit if you are my mate," She bit out, so much venom in her voice it made me flinch. "I will never love you. I will never forgive you for making me seal the Bond."

"Rey, I didnt-" I choked on a sob or a gag, I wasnt sure.

She ignited her lightsaber. Had she been holding it the whole time? "I rather _die_ than be Bonded to you." And she plunged the blade into her chest.

I bolted upright, a scream ripping out of me. "No! Rey!" I looked around, near hysterics, not recognizing the bright room I was in.

Ciir'sae rushed to my side, and held a plastic bin up, holding it for me while I violently retched into it.

"You were dreaming. " She soothed. "It was just a dream."

From her actions, and the tone of her voice, I could tell that this wasnt the first time I'd woken up.

I fell back onto sheets and pillows that were damp with sweat. She put a hand on my forehead and swore.

The pain was everywhere. It was in my head and my stomach, every muscle screamed with it.

"You've been poisoned." Ciir'sae told me. "You've been having those fever dreams for two days."

"Where is she?" I pleaded, my voice cracking.

I felt her hand go over mine. "We'll get her back, you just rest."

I shook my head. "I can't," I groaned. "I have to find her."

I felt a pinch, then a prick on my left bicep and my head fell back, too heavy for me to hold up.

"I have to find her." I said again, before my eyes closed, and unconsciousness took me again.

oOo

When I opened my eyes again, I squinted against the bright light.

The ceiling above me was white. The walls were plastered with tacky, dated wallpaper. There were bags of fluid hanging from hooks above me, with tubes that came down, and were taped to the backs of my hands.

I tried to swallow, and found my throat dry and scratchy.

The memory hit me all at once.

Rey had chosen to stay with me, had sent word back to The Resistance and my mother that she wasnt coming back. And, yet, they'd came for her.

They'd taken her from me.

And, they'd poisoned me to be able to do it.

My body ached, matching the hollow throb in my chest. Our Bond, the bond I'd refused to tell her about, was gone.

Also taken from me.

And, Poe's threat still echoed in my ears. _"I'll repay all the horrors you've done to her."_

I remembered my dream and shuddered.

That's who they thought I was.

Kylo Ren would have kidnapped her, held her captive, and used her for his own pleasure before killing her just to goad the Resistance.

Of course they'd come for her. Of course they didnt believe her when she told them I wasn't controlling her.

And, I'd never be able to change their minds.

I moved to sit up, and Ciir'sae shot up as well, her bin ready.

I hadnt realized she was in the room.

She looked exhausted, with deep lines of worry on her forehead. Her hair was down, her face was completely free of cosmetics, and she was in a simple pink dress.

She wasnt the Queen. No, now she was the girl I'd grown up with.

I shook my head, telling her I wasnt going to need the bin she held, and she put it next to my bed.

She moved her skirt and sat back down.

"How bad?" I asked, my voice grating against my raw throat.

She hummed. "Broken nose, three broken ribs, and a total of twenty darts, half of which were filled with an unknown poison. I had my doctors work up an antidote, which we administered yesterday. You've been out five days."

"I wasnt talking about _me_." I coughed, wincing at the pain in my chest and stomach. "Where's Rey? Is she hurt?"

She hesitated before saying, "I dont know."

I set my jaw against the pain and moved to get up. "I have to find her."

Ciir'sae put her hands on my shoulders and pushed me back down. "Do you have _any_ idea how close you came to death?" She demanded. "It is an absolute miracle that my team was able to save you."

"And the people that did this, have her." I told her. "She was shot with the same dart I was. She could be sick, suffering-"

"If you leave now, you'll die before you can get to her." Ciir'sae said, her voice ice.

I laid back, knowing she was right. "I didn't tell her, C." I whispered, looking back up at the ceiling. "The mating bond, I didn't tell her."

"I know." She said, flatly. "From the stories I've heard, and what I've read, if you and her had been newly mated, and another man so much as looked at her, you would have torn him apart."

 _A mindless barbarian_ , I'd read.

"Give your body a few days to heal." She went on. "I'll try to find her."

I shook my head against the pillows. "No, my mother knows she was here. She won't tell you where she's taken her."

"Then, how do you plan on finding her?" She asked. "We don't know how long it'll take for your abilities to come back."

My head snapped up. "I thought you said you made an antidote."

"To save your _life_. " She clarified. "I dont know the effect it'll have on the Force."

I let my head fall back again, and sighed.

No Force. No Bond. And, she could be anywhere.

I didnt even know where to start.


	23. Hold On

**Rey**

I heard the door swing open and turned to face him, watching his face drain of color as his eyes swept over my body, to the marks there.

My own voice sounded foreign to me when I asked him, "What's the matter, Ben? Can't stomach what you've done?"

Genuine horror clouded his russet eyes, and he shook his head. "I didn't-"

I cut him off, assuring him that he did, showing him my arm as evidence.

He held a shaking hand up, the horror on his face turning to panic and disgust as he looked at himself, the defensive wounds crossing his arms and chest, and the blood smeared on him.

"I don't give a shit if I am your mate." I heard myself say. "I will never love you. I will never forgive you for making me seal the Bond."

The look on his face was the same as when I told him that I wasn't his anything, before the Battle of Hoth.

When I'd used his own insecurity against him to keep him away.

The memory made my own chest ache.

He watched, with wide, pleading eyes as I ignited my lightsaber, and told him, "I'd rather _die_ than be Bonded to you!" Then he screamed as I sank the blade into my heart.

I opened my eyes, hearing his screams echo down the Bond.

He was sick, dying. I could feel it with the trace amounts of Force that had returned to me. But, our Bond, where it had been thrumming vibrantly between us days ago, was now nothing more than a whisper.

The night before they'd taken me, I had been in his arms, and his fingers had been between my legs. And now, these horrific nightmares were my only comfort that he was still alive.

I'd answered all their questions, telling them that I had been saved by Ben Solo and that I'd chosen to stay with him. I'd repeated myself so many times I wanted to scream. _I left of my own free will. He didn't make me do anything. He wasn't controlling me._

They'd just chosen not to listen.

The first couple days, I'd been sick, spiking a high fever. I'd stayed in bed, not because of my own illness, but because I was using what scraps of power I had left to try to reach him.

One day three and four, I tried to escape. I'd gotten to the hanger once before they caught up to me, and escorted me back to my room.

On day five, I felt him wake up, and I was able to relax, focusing on exactly how I was going to get back to him.

But, that night, his conditioned worsened.

The more power that returned to me only meant that I had to watch helplessly as he grew weaker.

I couldn't wait any longer. I barged into Leia's private chambers that night without knocking, finding her seated at a small desk.

She looked up from the book she was reading, concern knitting her brow.

We just stared at each other for a long moment before she said, "You came to ask me for the antidote to the serum." She marked her place in her book with an old piece of ribbon and closed it.

I nodded. "And, to prove to you that I've been telling the truth."

She sighed, looking exhausted, and shook her head. "Rey, I know you believe that he's Ben, but-"

"He _is_ Ben." I assured her, and when she shook her head again, I lowered my shields, sending my memories of the past few weeks into her mind.

Of waking up in his arms after Hoth and asking him to stay with me. How gently he soothed the bandage over my wounds with trembling hands.

 _Say the word and it's done,_ he'd promised when I asked him if I wanted to go back. How he'd told Ciir'sae that I did not need his permission to leave. The feel of his hand in the small of my back as we walked to the house on Naboo.

The way he'd looked at me that first morning when I'd been wearing next to nothing. How badly I wanted him to kiss me when he laced me into my dress.

Training with him. His smile, his laugh, the way his body moved when he wielded his lightsaber.

His nightmares. His panic attacks. The consuming guilt he felt every moment of every day.

Dinner with Ciir'sae. How jealous he'd gotten, and how hard he'd had to work to not act on it. The gentle kiss he'd planted on my forehead that night.

His immediate instinct to protect me from Finn, and the fact that he didn't move, because it was _my_ decision. And how hed sent reassurance to me, despite the fact that his heart was breaking.

The last time I saw him, when he was finally, _finally_ , going to tell me the truth. How he didnt care about himself in the least, and focused on building a shield around me instead of fighting back.

And, the Bond. A constant tug toward Ben. Toward _home_.

I left my shields down, watching as she brought a shaking hand up to cover her mouth.

Her brown eyes, the eyes that she'd given Ben were wide, and rimmed with tears. "Oh," She breathed. "You've done it, Rey." Two fat tears slid down her cheeks. "You brought him back."

She stood, and pulled me into a tight hug. "Thank you." She cried.

She pulled away enough to look at me. "I'm so sorry, Rey. I thought-"

"I know what you thought." I assured her.

She sighed, and shook her head again. "I wish I had known that you and Ben were mated." She turned toward a nearby cabinet and opened it, pulling two syringes out.

I cocked my head to the side.

Mated? That's what I'd said in Ben's dream. That I was his mate. But, I'd thought it was nonsense, and hadn't paid it any attention.

"What did you say?" I asked, as she turned back around, smiling as fresh tears washed her face.

"The Mated Bond is the most precious gift the Force can bestow." She explained. "So rare, and so precious that there are galactic laws in place protecting mated couples. If I had known you and Ben were mated, I wouldn't, i mean i _couldn't_ have taken you from him."

My head was spinning. Mated. We were mated. Ben Solo was my mate.

That's what he'd been hiding from me. What he'd refused to tell me all this time.When he was researching shielding, he'd found out that we had a Mated Force Bond.

He knew.

And, he'd kept it from me.

Leia's forehead puckered. "Rey?" She asked.

I looked up, and sucked in a lungful of air, realizing that I'd stopped breathing. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears, and it drummed a steady rhythm of Mate. Mate. Mate.

She handed the syringes to me. "I hope that you two can forgive me." She said.

I took them and thanked her, and she pulled me into another tight hug. "Tell my son that I still love him." She whispered in my ear. "And please, bring him home."


	24. Chemicals

**Rey**

Leia gave me a shuttle, and I wasted no time going on board and powering up the engines.

He was running out of time, I could feel it. And, I had to get to him. I had to make sure he was safe.

At least I knew now why I felt this way. Why I had felt this way since that night on Ahch-to.

I set course for Naboo, and felt the shuttle jerk into drive, then pulled out the data pad I'd found in my belongings on base. I typed in Mated Force Bond, and started to read.

They were rare, but Leia had told me that, so I skipped ahead to what the Bond was, and what it meant to be Bonded.

Mated Force Bonds were where the Force itself chose two individuals as mates, and bound them in every way. Once accepted, it was unbreakable.

Unbreakable? As in permanent? But, it had to be accepted first. Well, I wasn't accepting it.

I had been thrown into this fight, and now I was a symbol of hope for an entire galaxy. But, I hadn't wanted any of this. I just wanted a home, and a family, and the image that Ben had seen during his Force vision entered my mind. Of him kneeling in front of me, my belly swollen with his, our child.

I shoved it away.

No, I wanted a say in who I mated with.

Then, I remembered that I'd chosen to go to bed with Ben a week ago, wanting him to be my first, my only.

And, my eyes grew wide. This is why he hadn't made love to me. Because the act of mating would seal our Bond, a Bond I didn't know about yet.

But, did I want him, love him, on my own, or because of The Bond?

The next paragraph explained that acceptance of the Bond must be consensual, and that manipulation or other tactics wouldn't work.

So, there was that, at least.

I looked for some ritual or incantation that needed to be done to accept the Bond, but the text just said more about it being unbreakable once both consenting individuals accept.

I remembered his nightmare.

 _I'll never love you,_ I'd said. _I'll never forgive you for making me seal the Bond._

And, based on our conversation in the forest before Finn showed up, Ben believed that I didn't want him, or a life with him.

He was terrified of this Bond because he was convinced that I didn't want it.

And, I'd known. I'd _known_ that there was more between us than just a Force Bond, and I knew that he didn't want to tell me exactly what it was. I'd asked him, begged him to just tell me, and he was about to that morning we were attacked.

Or, was he? Would he have told me the truth, or would he have lied?

The controls beeped, signaling my arrival into Nabooian space.

"State your name for permission to land." Control commended.

"Rey." I told them.

"Rey who?" The voice on the other end of the communicator probed.

"Just...Rey." I told them, unable to keep the sorrow out of my voice.

I was always reminded that I was nobody from Jakku.

 _But, not to me._ Ben had told me, once.

I landed, and ran out as soon as the loading bay lowered, stopping once to ask where the hospital was, then again when I entered the building to ask where the Queens cousin was roomed.

I ran down the hall, not slowing as I threw open the heavy metal doors. I spotted Ciir'sae, standing beside a closed door, speaking with a doctor in a white coat.

"Rey?" She called in surprise as I ran past, and into the room behind her.

I halted so quickly I almost fell over and Ciir'sae bumped into my back.

Ben was in bed, with pale blue blankets pulled up to his chest. His skin was ashen, his hair sticking to his face and neck with sweat. His eyes were half open and unfocused as he muttered unintelligibly.

I went to him, gripping his hand in both of mine.

It was cold.

"We've done all we can." Ciir'sae said, sorrowfully. "Even tried a blood transfusion to get the poison out." She shook her head. "He's on a morphine drip to keep him comfortable."

I straightened, and went to my bag. "The antidote."

"We made an antidote." Ciir'sae sighed. "We thought it worked, but then after a few hours-"

I held up the syringes and her eyes grew wide. She leapt forward and snatched one of them from me, ripped the cap off and stabbed it into Ben's thigh.

He did not move.

"Your Majesty!" The doctor gasped in outrage. "We don't even know who this is or what-"

"I trust her with his life completely." Ciir'sae snapped. "And, that's all you need to know."

He bowed. "Yes, your Majesty." And stalked out of the room.

She watched me sink into a nearby chair.

"He said you'd been shot with the same darts?" She asked.

I looked up, remembering that the other syringe was for me. I uncapped it, and stuck it in my thigh, using my thumb to push the plunger down.

She threw both of them into a red box with BIOHAZARD written across it in bold lettering. "What happened?" She wanted to know.

I shook my head, unable to speak around the lump in my throat. I didn't want to talk about what happened, didn't even want to think about it.

My focus was on the man in front of me, and the gentle thrumming of the Bond as it bloomed back to life.

He dozed off a few minutes later, and Ciir'sae went to attend to her court, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I was feeling too much, all at once.

I was angry. This was the single most important thing, the most sacred gift from The Force itself, and he'd kept it from me, for months. I was hurt that he had not even given me the consideration of telling me what I was a part of.

But, most of all, I was scared. Absolutely out-of-my-mind terrified that I would lose him. That I'd been too late with the antidote to be able to save him.

And also, relief. Because I'd known that I was in love with him since that night on Ahch-to. And now, I knew that it didn't make me a traitor to the Resistance. I'd done what I'd done to protect my mate.

I sat with him for hours, waiting, and had resorted to bargaining with the Force when his fingers curled around mine.

I looked up to watch him move his head to face me, and then his eyes cracked open. "Rey?" His voice was thick, strained.

There were a million things that I wanted, needed to say to him, my relief rattling the Bond. But, all I could manage to squeak out was a broken "Hi."

My face crumpled, not giving him the opportunity to respond, and I started sobbing.

"Rey?" He said again, urgently.

He weakly pulled me up, folding me into his arms and I cried into his chest.

"Did they hurt you?" He asked, his lips against my ear.

I shook my head, unable to answer. Of course he would be fresh off of death's doorstep and worried if _I_ was hurt.

I felt him sigh, his relief tumbling down the Bond with my own. His arms tightened around me as my sobbing ebbed.

I pulled back to look at him, and he gently brushed my tears away with his fingers.

"Are you ok?" I asked, wiping my face with my sleeve.

His eyes watched the movement. "I'm..better." He said.

I noticed that the color had returned to his face.

"Are you ok?" He murmured, reaching up and tucking a stray lock of hair behind my ear.

"I'm," I sighed. "Overwhelmed."

His brow furrowed as he assessed my emotions. My relief had wavered, and now the hurt and anger were taking over. "What-" He began, and I cut him off.

"I need to ask you something." I said.

He stilled, searching my face, my feelings, then he swallowed. "Alright."

I took a breath. "When were you going to tell me that I'm your mate?"

His face lost what color had returned to it and he looked away.

I stood, and he made no move to stop me.

"The morning they came for you," He started.

"When you'd known for months." I interjected.

Something flashed across his features. "Rey-"

Part of me hated myself for doing this now, when he was so sick but I demanded. "Why didn't you tell me?"

He sighed, bowing his head.

" _Why didn't you tell me_?" I repeated, louder.

"Because you wouldn't have accepted it even if I had." He admitted, his voice low.

I shook my head. "You don't know that."

His head snapped up, real pain etched into his russet brown eyes. "I just saved you from having to reject me a second time." I could have sworn I saw his chin quiver. "I'm a monster, a murderous snake, a liar, and you said yourself, before I even knew about the Bond that you didn't want to be my empress."

My vision blurred with tears. "I told you I didn't want Kylo Ren. That is not who you are."

'But, it is!" He yelled. "No matter how much I don't want it, I _am_ Supreme Leader. I _am_ the leader of The Knights Of Ren, and if you accepted the Bond, it would damn you to a life of running from every assassin who would kill you just to get to me." His throat bobbed. "You and any children you'd give me."

I shivered at the truth, and vulnerability in his words. "You should have told me." I turned toward the door. "I deserved to know. And _you_ ," I opened the door and turned to face him.

Exhaustion and pain stared back.

"You should have respected me enough to let me make my own decision." I walked out, away from him, and heard him groan my name before the door swung closed.


	25. Shiver

**Rey**

I went back to the house, but only long enough to grab my saber and the clothes I'd worn here. I shoved them both into my pack, and slung it over my shoulder.

He'd known. The entire time we'd been here, he'd known. And, he'd had breakfast and trained, and laughed, and carried on as if it were nothing.

I just couldn't stay here, knowing that he'd come back, come home to me, as if I were already his.

I passed his open bedroom door, his scent hitting my nose, and paused, looking in at the bed we'd shared. The Bond whined, tugging me back, toward Ben.

I was too angry to care.

I moved to the door and threw it open, not at all surprised when I found Ciir'sae standing on the front step.

She looked at my face, and then to the pack on my shoulder and frowned.

"Did he send you?" I asked, flatly.

"No." She replied. "I received an alert that there had been an… altercation, and went to see him. He wont tell me what's going on."

"Well," I said, bitterly. "That makes two of us."

I stepped around her.

"Rey." She called, but I was already several strides toward the Port. "I'm sure he has his reasons for not telling you."

I stopped, heat rising to my cheeks, and looked over my shoulder at her. "You knew?"

She folded her hands in front of her. "If this is about your Mated Bond, yes."

He'd told his cousin, but hadn't told me. And, I didn't know it was possible, but that fact made me angrier.

I scoffed, shaking my head, and took another step forward.

"Rey, please." She begged. "At least hear him out."

I turned to face her. "Forgive me, Ciir'sae." I sighed. "But, I thought it was made clear that I don't need permission if i want to leave."

Her nostrils flared, and she set her jaw as she watched me turn back around.

She made no further attempts to stop me.

I landed on Kashyyyk a few hours later, and spotted Chewie under the Falcon, an open tool box next to him.

He walked out, and stood to his full height, watching me as I approached.

He studied my face, my eyes, and then he nodded toward the loading bay of the Falcon. A silent acknowledgment that he knew id tell him about what happened when I was ready.

Now, I needed space and solitude. And he was giving me both.

I went to my room and closed the door, looking around at the familiar space.

My parachute was still in a wadded heap on the floor, my bunk was unmade, and laying next to my dirty flight suit, was a pair of black leather gloves.

I stalked over and snatched them up, burying them in the dirty clothes bin so that I wouldn't have to see them.

He'd found out about the Bond when we'd learned how to shield. I remembered being called to him that day and that he looked like he was about to vomit. He had quickly built a barrier around his mind and refused to tell me what was wrong.

But, his feelings had tumbled right into me, and I remembered that he'd been scared. Not for himself, but for someone else.

 _If you accepted the Bond, it would damn you to a life of running from every assassin who would kill you just to get to me._ He'd said. Then, his eyes had watered _. You and any children you'd give me_.

Because he was Supreme Leader. And if I accepted the Bond, it'll effectively announce to the entire galaxy exactly how to bring him to his knees.

And, if we had children, if he gave me the family that I so desperately craved, it would mean a life of wondering which assassin would succeed.

And, he hadn't told me, because he knew that wasn't a life I wanted.

My chest ached.

Because he was right.

I didn't want that. But, I did want him.

I'd driven myself crazy these past few months with exactly how badly I'd wanted him.

 _Mate_.

He was my Force chosen mate. Not lover. Not husband. More than that. He was my soul bonded partner. And, the bond that was between us was so deep and so permanent it was recognized by users and non-users alike.

A soft knock broke the silence and I quickly wiped the moisture from my eyes before inviting them in.

It was Chewie, with a crock of hot soup and fresh bread. "Thought you'd be hungry." He muttered softly.

My stomach growled and I realized I hadn't eaten all day. I'd been too focused on getting to him, on saving him, the need to protect him so deep that it surpassed everything else. But, I didn't have much of an appetite.

I shook my head, and he sat it on a nearby table. "Do you want to talk?" He offered.

I shook my head again.

He nodded, and headed toward my door. "When you do, you know where to find me."

And, then I was alone again.

I went to the cramped adjoining refresher, and turned the water on, setting the temperature too high and hissing as I stepped into the stream.

My anger had faded but in its wake was something worse.

I'd grown used to being hurt, but, in these past few months, Ben had healed that part of me.

And, now, he'd broken my heart so completely, it felt as if my chest was caving in on itself.

My dams broke, and I cried, the shower drowning out the sound of my sobbing.

I didn't get out until the water was frigid, and I shivered as I pulled on a pair of flannel sleep pants, and an old threadbare long-sleeved shirt.

I went to the food Chewie had left and ate my dinner in silence.

I was about to crawl into my bunk when my spine prickled, and I felt him step through the Bond.

He was so panicked, it made my own pulse race. "Where are you?" He demanded.

I didn't look up. I couldn't see him, see the worry in his eyes or I'd fall apart again.

He came to stand in front of me, and gently cupped my cheek with a trembling hand, gripping my forearm with the other. "I came back to the house and you're just gone."

"I need time... to sort this out." I told him. "Away from you." I felt a stab of pain through the Bond as he released me.

I stepped away, and put my back to him, covering my mouth with my hands to keep another sob from escaping.

"Rey," He breathed, and it felt as if his chest was caving in, too.

And then he was gone.


	26. Vermilion

**Author's note:**

 **I've been staring at this empty Google Document for a week now. Every time I try to start, it's like the story just doesn't want to be written. So, I let the story write itself.**

 **I want to thank my friends Chelsea and Lena who let me annoy them with my plot points.**

 **For the record, I am very sorry.**

 **Rey**

"Why does it have to be white?" I whined, as Rose fastened the closures on the back of the lace bustier I wore. It went to just above my hips, but there was also a matching garter belt that wrapped around and had straps that connected to the stockings on my thighs.

"Because it's tradition." She answered. She finished with my bustier, and bent down, making me balance on one foot as she lifted the other one. She looped a lace garter around my foot, and hoisted it into place on my thigh.

She stood, and turned, carefully taking my dress off of its hanger. "Arms up." She instructed, and I obeyed.

She helped me pull it on, and then moved behind me again to zip it up.

I watched myself in a nearby full length mirror, and couldn't help the smile that spread across my face.

The skirt was long, full, and made of layers of tulle and lace. The bodice was silk, with a plunging neckline that came off of my shoulders, and had fitted sleeves that buttoned at my wrists.

My hair was down, braided on either side and secured in the back.

There was a soft knock on the door. "It's me." Leia called, and came in.

She saw me, and gasped, bringing a hand up to cover her mouth. "You are a vision."

I blushed, looking down.

She stepped forward, and held up a white veil. "This was mine." She explained. "I've had it cleaned, and redone to the current style. I'd be honored if you'd wear it."

My own eyes watered as I nodded, and Rose took it from her, sliding the comb over the braids on the back of my head.

Leia reached up, and pulled her veil over my face, smiling at me through her tears. "You are officially perfect."

Rose reached around and handed me my bouquet and trailed behind me, lifting the train of my skirt as I made my way to the front of the chapel.

Finn stood in front of the doors, with his back to me, and when he heard us approaching he looked over his shoulder, smiling widely as he spotted us.

Leia gave me a quick kiss on my cheek and slipped through the doors, and Rose gave my train a final fluff before coming to stand in front of me. She was in a tight fitting, dusty rose colored dress. The skirt came to her calves and she wore a pair of matching pumps. She'd curled her long, black hair and swept it onto one shoulder, securing it with a jeweled pin.

The doors opened, and the music started. Rose straightened before starting her March down the aisle.

Finn offered me his arm and I put my hand in the crook of his elbow, noticing his finely tailored blue suit.

"You look beautiful." He whispered, as we took our places.

I thanked him, and we stepped forward into the chapel.

Everyone in attendance stood, but I barely noticed the movement as my eyes locked with Ben's.

He was standing next to the officiant, waiting for me, and gave me a soft, lopsided smile that made my heart flutter.

He was also in a blue suit, with his hair combed back, and he looked at me like I was the only person in the world.

He always looked at me like I was the only person in the world.

We reached the altar, and I gave my bouquet to Rose, then turned back to Ben and took his hands.

The officiant started. "Do you, Rey, take Ben to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do." I vowed, my chin high.

The officiant turned to Ben. "And, do you, Benjamin Luke Organa-Solo, take Rey to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

Ben opened his mouth to answer, but the crackling red blade of his lightsaber thrust through his chest, stopping him.

I screamed, and the blade retracted, leaving a gaping hole where his heart would have been.

He looked down to the wound, then to me, his eyes pleading, and I watched, in horror, as blood dripped from the corner of his mouth.

He fell, and Kylo Ren stepped forward to take his place. He was dressed in all black, the hood on his cloak pulled up to cover the top of the metal helmet he wore. I felt my stomach hollow out. He looked exactly as he had the first time I'd seen him.

"I do." He answered, his voice distorted by the mask, and took my hand, roughly sliding a ring onto my finger.

"Man and wife." The officiant declared. "I present to you: Supreme Leader Ren, and Empress Rey!"

I turned toward the audience, but instead of finding my friends, I saw ten thousand storm troopers.

"Kneel before your Queen." Ren commanded in his robotic voice, and I watched the wave of bodies as they obeyed.

oOo

 **Ben**

I startled awake, and put my hands under me, pushing myself up.

I heard Rey gasp and looked over, finding her next to me, but I knew she wasn't really there.

I'd fallen asleep in my bed in the house on Naboo, and she was…

Actually, I had no idea where she was. I did my best not to pry. She'd asked for space, and I was giving it to her.

When the Bond would let me give her space, anyway.

It must have connected us because of her nightmare. Our nightmare.

And, now, she was feeling too much, too fast for me to decipher what was going on in her head.

The Bond trembled nervously, which didn't help the situation in the least.

She crawled over me to stand up and I rolled over from my stomach to my side and sat up, facing her.

"Can we talk?" She requested. "But, no more lies, no more games, no more hiding?"

I took a breath, and nodded. "Yes."

"You didn't tell me about the Bond because you think it's not what I want." She started. "But what do you want?"

No one had ever asked me that before, and I blinked, taking a moment to think before answering her. "I want you." I confessed.

"But, _how_?" She pushed.

I looked down, not knowing exactly where to begin.

"Ok," She said, sensing my hesitation. "The Bond, would you accept the Bond?"

"Yes." I answered.

"And then what?" She asked. "After the Bond is accepted and sealed, then what? We just go back to the First Order as if we've been on vacation for the past few weeks?"

"Yes." I said, again.

"Why?" She wanted to know.

"Because if we just walk away, it'll mean a life of running, of hiding. They'll come for you." I told her. "They'll never stop coming for you."

"Because I'm your mate?" She demanded.

I shook my head. "Because of Hux. He wants you and every other member of the Resistance dead, and he's not the type to let things go."

She accepted this. "But, what's to stop him from killing me while I'm on the Finalizer?"

"Me." I said, pointing out the obvious.

"But, to Hux," She countered. "I'm a filthy junk trader, and rebel scum, and will automatically assume that I'm your whore."

A vicious snarl erupted from my chest. "You are not-"

"But that's what everyone will think!" She said, cutting me off.

"They'll know that you're my mate." I explained.

"Would we get married?" She asked.

I shrugged. "If you'd have me."

Her brow creased. "If I'd have you as my mate, why wouldn't I have you as my husband?"

"You haven't accepted the Bond." I reminded her.

"But, I want to." She admitted, and I forgot how to breathe.

"You…want to?" I stammered, and she nodded. "Then, why haven't you?"

"If we go back to the First Order, you'll take back your title as Supreme Leader." She said, and she looked absolutely miserable. As if the words pained her to say them. "And you'll have to be him."

 _Kylo Ren._

Yes, I would have to be him.

My insides twisted at the thought.

"He's only a part I'll have to play." I reasoned. "And, only some of the time."

"Most of the time." She countered. "And what would I be? If we got married?"

I looked down, not wanting to answer her.

"What would your wife be, _Kylo Ren_?" She snapped, and I shot up.

"Don't you _ever_ call me that!" I yelled, stepping toward her.

She raised her chin, her eyes burning. "Answer me."

"You'd be my mate, and my wife." I insisted.

Her eyes searched mine. "And?"

"And _what_?"

"And, what would I be to Kylo Ren?" She asked.

I swallowed, and sighed. "You'd be his wife and mate, too."

Her chin quivered, as her eyes trimmed with tears. She stepped forward, and took my face in her hands, then crushed her lips to mine.

The Bond stilled, and it turned my blood to ice.

I pulled away from the kiss, to look at her, and she said something I'd never thought I'd hear. "I love you."

My heart fluttered, sending chills down my body.

She loved me.

Rey loved me.

But, why did she look so devastated?

"I love you." I told her, and a sob erupted from her.

I reached up, and touched her face, wiping the tears away that fell.

"What is it?" I asked, my voice soft.

"I love you." She said again. "And, I want you. I want to seal this Bond. I want to be your wife, and your mate, and I want to give you the family that we both never had."

Tears rimmed my own eyes. I wanted that, too.

"But." She said, " I want that with Ben Solo."

I felt my eyebrows pull together, as I felt the Bond shutter, a nervous knot settling into my stomach.

"And, until I can _only_ be mated to Ben Solo," She took a shaky breath. "I reject the mating Bond."

It shattered, the jagged shards cutting into me as they fell.

Ancient words that would have no meaning to anyone else, but spoken out loud between us had just completely annihilated me.

I sank to my knees, clutching my chest. The Bond was gone.

She was gone.

And, she'd taken everything with her.


	27. Song 3

**Ciir'sae**

I was eating my breakfast the next morning when Ben walked into the dining hall, and I paused, mid chew, to watch him take a seat next to me.

To say he looked like hell would be an understatement.

He wore a high collared, long sleeved black tunic, black slacks, and knee high black boots.

I could tell that his clothing wasn't anything I'd had made for him, so could only assume it was his First Order uniform.

His face was drawn with despair, his eyes sunken in and hallow, and his face peaked, making the scar that crossed it stand out.

It didn't take much to know that he was an absolute wreck.

"What happened?" I asked.

The last time I'd seen him, it was in the hospital, when I'd told him that Rey was gone.

He'd left, against doctor's orders, and went back to the house, growing more frantic with each room he found empty.

The Force had connected them, but she'd asked for space, and I'd watched him crumble before my eyes.

I hadn't thought it was possible, but now he actually looked worse.

"Did you see her?" I asked.

He winced, as if my question had pained him. But, he nodded.

Dread settled into my chest. "She….didn't accept, did she?"

His eyes watered, and he looked down. "No." He said, lowly. "She didn't."

My heart broke for him. He'd been terrified of her rejecting him. And, I'd been so convinced that she loved him that I hadn't even taken his concerns into consideration.

"This is all my fault." I groaned, burying my face in my hands. "I should have never pushed you to tell her."

"No, you were right." He admitted. "I should have told her."

I looked up, and found him still looking down, lost in thought.

"But, I was scared." He brought up a hand to rub his eyes. "I should have never brought her here. Not without her knowing the truth." When he took his hand away, his eyes were wet and red. "But, when we were here, it felt so... _real_. So right. And I wanted to tell her. But, I didn't want to lose her. So, I was selfish. I kept the most crucial detail of her existence from her because I didn't want her to leave me."

He looked up at me. "But, that's not why she rejected it."

My forehead crinkled. "It wasn't?"

He shook his head. "She rejected it because if she had accepted, she would also be mated to Kylo Ren."

I'd heard stories of who Ben had become, and what he'd done. He'd maimed and tortured and slaughtered countless innocent people at the bidding of his master, Snoke.

I'd known, but it had seemed impolite to bring it up.

And, Rey didn't want to be mated to Ben as long as he was Kylo Ren.

Couldn't say I blamed her.

"So, then, you're going after her." It wasn't a question.

He gave me an incredulous look. "What? _No_. Did you hear a _word_ of what I just said?"

"Yes." I told him. "She wants Ben and not Kylo, so just denounce the First Order, surrender your title, and go get the girl." I shrugged. "Seems simple enough."

His eyebrows shot up. "Does it?"

"Ben, you _love_ her." I reasoned. "There's no way Kylo Ren is more important than that."

"He's not." He shook his head. "Not even close. But a bounty of twenty thousand credits is still on her head. And, if I gave Hux free reign, he wouldn't stop until he killed her and every single person who's ever joined the Resistance."

He didn't say it, but I knew that included his mother.

I leaned back in my chair. "So, what's the plan? You can't go back-"

"I _have_ to go back, C." He sighed. "I'll do what I did before and just keep Hux occupied with wild banther chases until I can find a way to destroy the First Order from within."

"Wild banther chases?" I asked, flatly. "That's the masterfully calculated plan of Kylo Ren?"

"I don't suppose you have a better one?" He growled.

"Yes!" I said, "Tell them all to kiss your ass and go find Rey."

"Don't you think I _want_ to do that?" He demanded. "Do you think that we'd even be having this conversation if there was the slightest chance that I _could_ do that?"

I didn't answer, and he went on. "I have to go back. Not because I want to, but because Ben Solo cant protect her from the First Order and Kylo Ren can."

"But what does she want?" I wanted to know. "Did she ask you to go back to the First Order to protect her?"

His face clouded but he did not answer.

I took his silence as a 'no'.

"It's not my business-" I started.

"Then don't say anything." He snapped.

I ignored that, and spoke anyway. "I think you're making a mistake."

He snorted.

"You're still deciding what you think is best for her instead of actually listening to what she wants." I explained. "Rey doesn't want or need you to protect her, she's perfectly capable of taking care of herself."

"If I walk away, Hux could send an ambush at any moment. He could hire assassins, bounty hunters, he could send anyone after her." He countered.

"And, she can handle herself." I reminded him.

"I know she can, but she shouldn't _have_ to." His eyes watered again, and his voice shook when he said "She's had to fight her entire life. And if I can give her a life of peace by going back, it's worth it."

I could only stare at him for a long moment, digesting what he'd just said, focusing on the magnitude of his words.

He was willing to sacrifice every ounce of happiness he'd ever had, for the possibility that she would be marginally better without him.

"See," I breathed, and cleared my throat. "Before I thought you were just being stubborn. Now, its clear that you're just being a dumbass."

He shoved himself away from the table, his chair scraping loudly across the floor, and stood up. "I'm not listening to this."

"She's your _mate_ , Ben." I pleaded with him. "A life apart from each other, even a peaceful life, isn't worth it."

He turned to leave, and I shot up, grabbing him by his arm. "You're not only going to torture yourself," I warned. "You're going to _destroy_ her."

Something flashed in his eyes, like I'd struck a nerve. But, be shook his arm free of my grasp. "See you around, C." He said, and walked out of the room.


	28. Monster You've Made

**Authors note: the name of this chapter, as well as all the chapters since Spirit Cold, have been the titles of songs that have inspired me during the writing process.**

 **Interested in listening to these songs? I have a playlist on Spotify called Lucky. My username is Jesna.**

 **Rey**

I tried to remind myself why I'd rejected the Bond.

I didn't want to be married or mated to Kylo Ren.

I didn't want to be empress of the First Order.

I didn't want to spend my life running from those who would use me as leverage to get to him.

But, every time I tried to remember why I'd rejected it, I also remembered all the reasons as to why I should have accepted it.

I wanted to be mated to Ben Solo.

I loved him. He loved me.

I wanted a family, a life, and a future with him.

And, I'd just thrown that love and future away with both hands.

I wandered out of my room, unable to stand the faint smell of him that still lingered, the entire reason I'd started sleeping there, and made my way to the main hold.

I didn't know if I was looking for food or for Chewie but I found both.

He looked up. "What's wrong?"

"I think I've made a mistake." I admitted.

He held his arms out for me, and I went to him, letting him pull me close to his chest. "That's ok." He assured me. "I'm sure it's nothing that can't be fixed."

He pulled away, and looked down at me. "Do you want to tell me about it?"

I nodded, and wiped my nose with my sleeve.

He motioned toward a seat next to him and I took it, watching him as he set a mug in front of me, and poured tea into it from a nearby kettle.

"Now," He sat back in his chair. "What happened?"

I looked up at him miserably. "I rejected the Bond." My voice broke.

"The mated Bond?" He asked.

My eyebrows pulled together. "You know?"

He nodded. "Ben told me about it that last time you were here."

I sat up and wrapped both of my hands around the steaming mug.

Oddly enough, I didn't mind that Chewie had known. It was nice to not have to worry about explaining it.

"But now, you regret rejecting it?" Chewie guessed.

I nodded.

He grumbled, thinking, then asked, "Why did you reject it?"

I swallowed. "Mainly because I don't want to be mated to Kylo Ren."

"And, why do you regret it?" He asked.

"Because I do want to be mated to Ben."

He raised his chin, and leaned forward. "This is something you will have to come to terms with, _Dear One._ Ben and Kylo Ren are one in the same. You cannot have an upbringing like Ben had and then ignore the darkness that became him."

"What upbringing?" I demanded. "He had Leia and Han-"

Chewie let out a low growl, stopping me short. "Han was my best friend, and Leia his wife, but they were not infallible. Especially when it came to Ben. They were recklessly in love, but they didn't get along. They disagreed about everything, but nothing more so than Ben. She was consumed by her Resistance, her cause. And Han, when he got overwhelmed, which was often, he would just leave. So, you say that Ben had Han and Leia, but in reality, he didn't have either one."

"Who did he have?" I whispered.

"Who he had is not nearly as important as who had _him_." Chewie pointed out.

"Snoke." I remembered, and he nodded.

"Snoke was there when no one else was. I did what I could for him, raised him as if he were my brother's son, but as his power grew, so did Leia's insistence that he be trained." His eyes were vacant as he went on. "Han fought harder then than he ever had. He knew that there was something, someone to blame for the darkness in his son. And, when Leia still insisted that he go, he was devastated. It drove a wedge between them that sent him off smuggling again."

"Did Ben blame Han?" I asked in a small voice. "Is that why he…" I trailed off, unable to finish.

"Why Ben did what he did is a question that I cannot answer." Chewie told me. "But, it is something that you have to forgive him for, if you are to be mated."

"Could you forgive him?" I shot back, defensively.

"It is easier for me because I know that his path to the dark was not entirely his own." He explained, his voice gentle. "And, you and I are different."

"Because I'm his mate?" I asked.

Chewie shook his head. "Because he loves you. With or without the mating bond, he loves you."

"Are you suggesting that I become empress and queen of the first order?" I inquired.

He tilted his head to the side. "Of course not." He said, "I'm suggesting that you come to terms with the fact that Ben has some issues that he has to work through, as you do, and the fact that you have to accept his dark side to accept him."

I sniffled, and wiped my nose again. "And what about the mating Bond?"

His blue eyes searched mine. "You have to answer that, Dear One."

The hydraulics hissed as they disengaged, and both of our heads snapped up, to see Malla rush in.

"Malla." Chewie roared in concern. "What is it?"

"Turn on the news caster." She instructed, and he obeyed.

The masked and cloaked form of Kylo Ren filled the holo screen.

"What is this?" I demand.

I didn't get an answer.

" _What is this_?!" I repeated, nearly screeching.

"The scavenger known as Rey has been free for months, following the murder of our former Supreme Leader, Snoke." His modulated voice crept up my spine, and wrapped icy claws around my heart. "My main focus is finding her, and bringing her to justice. Let it be known, that anyone who harbors this woman, gives her aid, or interferes with her capture will be seen as traitors to The First Order, and treated as such. Since the bounty on her head apparently isn't enough incentive, I'm raising it." My image filled the screen behind him. "One hundred thousand credits to whoever brings her to me dead. Two hundred thousand alive, in any condition."

My mouth went dry.

Two hundred thousand credits. Alive. In any condition.

I looked over at Chewie, who clicked the screen off. "Does he know you're here?" He asked, solemnly.

My head was spinning. My chest heaved as I tried to catch my breath. And, I couldn't think over my pulse thundering in my ears. Ben had gone back to the First Order. He was Kylo Ren. And, the first thing he'd done was increase the bounty on my head. Dead. Or alive. In any condition.

This was a dream. I had to be dreaming.

"Rey." Chewie called, and I blinked.

"Does he know you're here?" He repeated.

I shook my head.

He said something about the planet, and the falcon, but I was desperately trying to wake myself up.

I was shaken roughly, and looked up to see Chewie had grabbed me by my shoulders. "Rey." He said, slowly. "You have to listen to me."

Tears stung my eyes. "He's Kylo Ren. I muttered. "He was Ben, but now he's Kylo Ren." And, it was my fault.

"Listen to me." Chewie said again.

I focused on his face through the blur of tears.

"You cannot stay near me or the Falcon." He told me. "He knows you'll come here, and he knows to look for this ship. You need to take the shuttle from Naboo, and you need to go back to Leia. The Resistance can keep you safe."

I took a shuddering breath.

"Do you understand?" He asked, and I nodded.

Moments later, I was in the shuttle that I'd came here on, watching Kashyyyk disappear as I entered hyperspace.


	29. Give Me Something

**Rey**

I had a decision to make.

I could go back to base, to Finn and Rose and Leia. Pick right back up where I'd left, and fight with the Resistance against the First Order.

Or, I could go to my mate.

I stared out at the specks of light in the black void in front of me, and thought, really thought about both options.

Base was familiar, comforting. I knew what was expected of me and what to expect from the people around me.

Leia had been the only mother I had ever known. But, she'd asked me to bring her son home. If I returned without him, I'd feel as if I were letting her down, and I wasn't sure I could handle that.

There was Finn, who was my best friend. He'd been my first friend. He'd come for me in Star Killer Base. That had been the first time anyone had ever come for me, and just a week ago, he'd gone to Naboo to save me.

I'd told him that I'd left the base, and stayed gone, on my own, but if I was being honest with myself, I couldn't blame him or the others for not believing me.

They'd only seen Kylo Ren. And, he had certainly proved himself capable, and fully willing, to use his skill set to force other people to do his bidding.

There was Rose, who I'd grown close to since the Battle of Crait. She'd taken me in, and patiently answered all of my questions about life off of Jakku. I'd gone from cleaning the sweat and grit off of me only when I had water to spare, which was not often, to having access to a hot shower daily.

My moon cycle had been delayed, the base doctor had told me it was from years of exertion and starvation, and when I'd seen blood in my panties that first time, Rose had gently explained it to me.

The memory of that took me back, because the Bond had brought Ben to me, as it always did whenever we were hurt or in trouble. It had been my first experience with menstrual cramps, and I was in bed. I'd been absolutely mortified when I looked up to find him standing next to my bunk.

He'd asked me what was wrong, and I'd told him the truth, his eyes softening with understanding.

He'd assured me that he could help, and asked if he could touch me. I'd just nodded, and felt his hand on my lower back, applying pressure. I'd looked up at him in amazement when the pain subsided.

"How do you know-?" I'd asked.

His mouth pressed into a thin line. "Han used to do this for my mother."

When he'd disappeared shortly after, the pain returned.

That memory made my chest ache. It had been right before The Battle of Hoth.

Now, I was sure that he'd used the Bond to find me that day he'd rescued me. Back when I felt the connection between us like a tether but didn't know yet exactly what it was.

Poe had rightly assumed that I was protecting Kylo Ren, but I'd willingly betrayed him, and the entire Resistance to keep Ben safe. Because I loved him, and couldn't imagine a life without him.

I was a lying piece of traitorous filth.

Not only because of what I had done to save Ben, but also what I was still willing to do.

He'd gone back to his First Order after I'd done the very thing that he knew I would do. I'd rejected our Bond, rejected him. It was the reason he hasn't told me from the beginning, and I'd proved him right.

Of course he was bitter. Of course he was angry.

Of course he'd hidden behind his mask of Kylo Ren.

The words Chewie told me still haunted me.

If I was going to accept Ben, I had to accept all of him.

But, could I be Mated to Kylo Ren?

I let my mind wander, considering.

I could go to the First Order, and make the changes that needed to be made.

The trafficking of children would stop, immediately. Those who could be returned to their families, would be. Those who couldn't would stay on, and I would oversee their education and care.

We'd work together to end poverty and hunger across the Galaxy, to bring peace before democracy was restored, when we could walk away with our consciences clear.

We could finish our training together, taking in others like us.

He could be….Ben. He'd never have to be Kylo Ren again.

Never again used for his power. Never again tortured or abused

And, I could bring him home to Leia, and she'd help us train a new generation of Jedi, just as I'd seen in my Force vision.

I'd be his wife. His mate. And, since we would walk away after restoring the republic, there'd be no assassins after Ben. Or after me. Or, after any children that I would give him.

We'd be safe.

We'd be a family.

I sat up, knowing I'd made my decision and set course.

oOo

Two TIE Fighters escorted me on either side when I approached The _Finalizer_.

I'd told their command that I was turning myself in, and requesting a private meeting with Kylo Ren.

I couldn't help but remember the last time I'd come for him, on The _Supremacy_.

He wasn't waiting for me as he was last time, and two stormtroopers put me into stun cuffs, and took me to the throne room.

When the metal door slid open, I spotted Kylo Ren in the middle of the room, seated in a high backed chair.

He was in all black, with his helmet on, the back of it covered by the hood of his cloak.

He waved a gloved hand and the troopers, as well as his guard, all filed out.

I felt ice creep up my spine as he stood, and strode closer. But, I ignored it, knowing that I was only reacting this way because the last time I'd seen him like this was on Star Killer Base before….well, before things got complicated.

"Before you say anything, I just…." I sighed. "Could I speak first?"

He stopped, waiting.

"I'm sorry." I told him. "I was selfish and naive, and I regret every single word of what i said to you when I rejected the Bond."

His head tilted to one side, and I wished that he'd take off that helmet so that I could have an idea of what he was thinking. But, he stood a few feet away, staring at me.

I guess that was fair after what I'd done.

"I know that it may take a while for you to trust me, but I'm willing to work and earn it back." I offered. "If you're willing?"

No reaction. Not even an indication that he'd heard me.

Ok, I deserved that.

"I don't know if you'd even still have me, but," My heart thundered in my chest as I took a breath. "I accept the Mating Bond."

I felt a crack, deep in my soul, as every piece of me fell away, replaced by tethers that anchored me to him.

His life, his entire existence flashed before my eyes, and fused with my own memories until I wasn't sure where he ended and I began.

His thoughts, his feelings, his senses, his being, belonged to me now, coursing through the ties that took root in my chest, and sang to life between us.

I felt its pull immediately, tugging me...back?

Toward the door.

And, down. Into the belly of the ship.

That's where Ben was, I could feel it.

So, then, who was….

I swallowed, looking at the man standing in front of me, panic rattling the Bond.

"Oh." Kylo Ren purred, as if he'd just figured it out. His voice was off, even under the modulator.

I broke out in a cold sweat.

"You're his mate." He drawled.


	30. The Devil In I

**Author's Note:**

 **I'm sorry for the long delay. I realized I'd written myself into a corner and had to write myself back out.**

 **I want to thank Corey Taylor and his haunting vocals and angry screamo music that got me through this chapter**.

 **Ben**

Returning to the Finalizer should have been easy.

I chanted my reasons over and over as I flew back, reminding myself why I had to reclaim my title.

I had to protect Rey.

The only life I could offer her as myself was a life of running, of never having a home, of wondering where our next meal would come from. And, that wasn't a life that she deserved.

But, as Kylo Ren, I could at least keep her safe. Keep her off the radar from the First Order long enough to find a weakness and exploit it. I could be without her if I knew she was safe.

I felt sick as I landed in the hanger, unbuckled my safety harness and climbed out.

Everything, from the sight of the troopers and the lesser ranking officers, to the smell of the hanger, filled my mouth with bile. And, the remnants of the Bond tugged at my aching chest.

 _This isn't where you want to be_.

I ignored that, balling my hands into fists at my sides as I walked along the familiar corridors to my chambers.

I turned the handle and the door opened, the lock disengaging when it read and recognized my finger prints. I stepped in, noting the stark difference between this room, and the room I'd had on Naboo.

The room on Naboo was full of color with its purple walls and teal bedspread. This room was varying shades of gray, without the smallest personal touch.

Force, was I this dull?

No. But Kylo Ren was. This room was perfect for a murdering sociopath. And, I'd chosen to be him again.

Chosen. It had been my choice. My decision.

It felt like the very marrow in my bones was pulling me back. Like every fiber of my being wanted to flee, to go back to Rey.

To my mate.

A knock on my chamber door made the hair on the back of my neck rise and I looked over my shoulder to see the door crack open.

I recognized the woman in my doorway immediately. "Severyn"

She covered her mouth with both of her hands, staring at me with wide eyes. Her curly black hair was pulled back, and she wore a finely tailored black suit.

"It's really you." She breathed. "You're really back." She crossed the room and buried her face in my chest, wrapping her arms tightly around me.

I went rigid, not knowing how to react, then just awkwardly stood there, as she held me.

"I'm sorry." She apologized, and pulled away. "I'm just so happy to see you." She retreated a few steps, wiping her eyes. "After Hoth, Hux told everyone that you were dead, and I was starting to believe him."

My relationship with Severyn was ...complicated. I'd lost my virginity to her the night that I pledged my allegiance to Snoke, and he continued to gift her to me whenever I'd done well enough to earn her. If I attempted to have her without Snokes approval, which I had done, I was punished.

After Takodana, I continued to seek her out, solely so that Snoke wouldn't notice that my focus had shifted to Rey.

When I became Supreme Leader, I released her from her contract, and paid her a monthly allowance so that she could live comfortably. She had chosen to stay on the ship, and we'd developed a friendship of sorts.

"I'm fine." I assured her.

Her gaze swept over me. "You don't look fine."

Ok, that was fair.

"You're ok?" I asked. "Since I've been gone?"

She hesitated before nodding. "Yeah."

I nodded once. "Good."

She wrung her hands nervously and my forehead creased. I'd never seen her nervous.

"I'm going home." She said. "Well, I was planning on going home. When Hux said you had been poisoned by the Resistance and died, i….well, you're the only reason that I stayed, and-"

"If you had told me you wanted to go home, i would have made sure you got there." I told her.

She took a breath. "I would have but I just….I thought that we had something." She confessed.

My heart throbbed. Maybe before I'd found Rey, we did have something. There was a time in my life when a night with Severyn was worth being tortured by Snoke.

She shook her head and wiped her eyes again. "I know that we couldn't because of what I am. Or, was."

I shook my head. "That's not-"

"No, I understand, now." She said. "I did think that I'd just lost your favor and that's why you suddenly stopped calling on my services, but then, those girls were bought for you."

When I became Supreme Leader, several young women were bought to serve me as concubines. I'd walked into my room one night and found them, none older than seventeen, and all wearing next to nothing.

"You paid their maiden prices and you provided them shuttles home." Severyn explained. "I knew you'd do the same for me, if I asked."

"Then why didn't you?" I inquired.

She shrugged. "Knew you needed someone in your corner." A grin curled her lips up. "And, I was hoping you'd send me to Hux as a decoy to spy on him like in the movies."

We laughed together.

"You were hoping?" I asked.

She nodded. "I'd earn that ridiculous allowance you give me."

Something she'd said popped back into my head and my smile faded.

"Hux told you that I'd died?" I wanted to clarify.

"Yeah, that the Resistance poisoned you and you died." She told me.

How could Hux have possibly known I was poisoned by the Resistance?

"When?" I probed.

"Right after the Battle of Hoth." She said. "He said that the poison is how they overpowered you, because it drained your powers."

Hux had planned on me going to Hoth. On being ambushed by Poe.

He never planned on me coming back.

The details pieced together so perfectly I could have sworn I heard a click.

Hux had found that deadly poison, and given it to the Resistance. It's the only way he could have known about it. If they killed me, he got the title of Supreme Leader and could blame the Resistance for it, giving him reason to destroy them.

And, like a veil being lifted from in front of my eyes, I began to see clearly.

Hux had most likely been planning this as soon as the title had shifted to me. Of a way to get rid of me without getting his own hands dirty so that he could take the throne.

I blinked, looking up at Severyn.

"I need you to get off of this ship." I told her, and turned toward the wall. I squatted down, running my fingers along the edges of the vent until I found the release and pulled it out, revealing the safe hidden in the wall behind it.

I put in the date of my parents anniversary, and opened it. I grabbed two handfuls of gold and silver coins, then stood, turning to Severyn.

She was looking at my hands and she'd gone pale. "What is that?" She demanded.

"Blood money." I admitted. "Taken by the First Order from worlds that they- _that I_ destroyed."

Most of it had been melted down, but Snoke had let me keep my share. I just had not been able to bring myself to spend it.

I offered it to her. "Take it." I urged. "Take a shuttle and go home."

She shook her head. "You've given me too much already."

"Severyn, listen to me." I begged. "Knowing that you're off of this ship will make it easier to do what I have to do." I pressed the coins into her hands.

"What do you have to do?" She asked.

I turned to retrieve more coins. "Tell everyone to kiss my ass and go find Rey."

oOo

With Severyn safely tucked onto an escape craft, I inquired on Hux's whereabouts and was told that he was in the throne room.

I went in, spotting him and charged forward, roughly grabbing his shoulders and spinning him enough to punch him in his face.

He went sprawling, grabbing the arm rest of the throne as he fell, and tipping it over.

The helmet that I hadn't seen resting on the seat clattered to the marble floor beside him and my stomach did a flip as I stared at the face plate.

It was Kylo Ren's helmet, or made to look like it, at least. The helmet I'd worn was battered from the battles I'd fought with it. This helmet was newly cast, with superficial markings carved into it. I saw the difference immediately, but anyone else wouldn't notice.

Declaring himself Supreme Leader hadn't been enough. If he were himself, he'd just be Supreme Leader. With that mask, he'd be me, and have the First Order and the Knights of Ren at his bidding.

I couldn't let that happen.

I went to him, and hauled him to his feet, holding his arms behind his back.

"You'll be arrested for treason." I informed him. "And executed as the traitor that you are."

"I'll be ten times the Supreme Leader you were." He said. "And, I'll make sure you see it."

He jerked his head back, the back of his skull hitting my nose. The sudden pain loosened my grip on his wrists and he wretched free.

I saw a flash of black and silver, as I realized, too late, that he'd grabbed the helmet and swung it to meet with my left temple.

I heard the wet _clang_ as the metal met my flesh, and then darkness.

oOo

My face was wet, that was the first thing I was aware of when I woke up. Then, I felt the pain in my head, and the sting in my wrists.

I sat up, coming fully awake, and looked around. I was on a cot, in the brig, and there were stun cuffs locked around my wrists. I was also alone, there weren't even Troopers stationed on guard.

I brought a hand up, the other traveling with it because of the cuffs, to my throbbing temple. From what I could feel, I had a gash about an inch long and would most likely need stitches.

I stood, wobbling as I went to the sink mounted above the toilet and washed my face until the water ran mostly clear. There was no mirror, so I was unable to see the damage.

I sat back down on the cot, and leaned back against the wall.

I woke up some time later. Maybe it had been hours, maybe it had been days, I wasn't sure.

My head still throbbed but was clearer now, and I could think about how I was going to get out of here.

A dark thought entered my mind and took root.

I wasn't sure why Hux had kept me alive, he certainly had the spine to kill me. Unless he planned on keeping me here just so that he could show me how much better he was at being Supreme Leader than I had been.

So, my options were to break out, and die trying to escape, or stay here until Hux killed me.

Either way, I wasn't getting off of this ship.

And, Rey would think that I'd chosen Kylo Ren over her. That being Supreme Leader meant more to me than being Bonded to her.

I tried to reach out, knowing I wouldn't find her, but my heart still sank when I didn't.

I heard light footsteps on the durasteel floor and sat up, watching a cloaked figure as they approached my cell.

They went to the door, and I got to my feet, waiting for them. Whatever Hux had sent, I just wanted them to get it over with.

They stopped as soon as they saw me, and I was shocked when they pulled their hood off, and a mane of curly black hair sprang free.

"Severyn?" I gasped.

"The hell are you doing here?" She demanded. "What happened to your head?" She punched in a code on the lock pad and the door slid open. When she saw the stun cuffs, she reached into the folds of her cloak and produced a set of keys, then quickly went about finding a match.

"I got hit." I said, dryly. "What are you doing here?"

She tried one key and flipped it back onto the ring when it didn't fit. "Other girls were bought and sent here and I came back for them. I thought they'd be held down here," She explained, trying another key. "Imagine my surprise when I found you. Considering you're currently in your throne room."

"Hux is in my throne room." I told her. "He had a helmet like mine made, and he's posing as me."

The keys rattled as another one didn't fit. "That explains the past two days." She mused. "He bought those girls for himself, then."

"Most likely." I agreed. "How did you get the code and the keys?"

She gave me a flirty grin. "One of my clients is a guard." She turned the key and the cuffs unlocked, falling to the floor with a loud clatter.

My Force senses came flooding back, and an unease settled in my chest. I felt nervous and….scared. Terrified.

"What is it?" Severyn asked, seeing my face.

"I dont know." I told her, honestly, but then I felt it.

Rey's Force signature.

She was on the ship.

What was she doing on the ship?

The Bond was gone between us, but I still felt what she felt. And, she was in danger.

"What is Hux doing in the throne room?" I asked Severyn.

"The girl he's been after just turned herself in." She told me.

My heart would have swelled if it hadn't dropped at the news.

She came for me.

And, she thought she was with me now.

I had to get to her. She had to know that it wasnt me.

I was telling Severyn to find the girls and get off the ship when I stopped, mid sentence, because I could hear Rey.

 _l'm_ _sorry._ She was saying. _I_ _was selfish and naive and I regret every single word of what I said to you when I rejected the Bond._

She regretted rejecting the Bond?

 _I know it may take a while for you to trust me, but I'm willing to work to earn it back_. She said. _If you're willing_ _.I don't even know if you'd still have me, but…_

 _Of course I'd still have you._ I told her. _I never stopped wanting you._

 _I accept the mating Bond._

I felt a crack, deep in me, as if the walls and defenses I'd built simultaneously fell away, stripping me bare. Who I was, who I'd been, the things I'd done, what I'd been through, it was nothing but ash now, and in its place was a tether, anchoring me to Rey. She was mine and I was hers in the most permanent of ways, and I could feel the Force knitting us together through the Bond.

If I thought it was strong before, now it was downright _devastating_.

I looked up, not seeing through my eyes, but through hers.

Kylo Ren stared back. "Oh." I heard him say. "You're his mate."


	31. Have Faith In Me

**Authors note:**

 **My most humble apologies to my faithful readers for the long delay. I've gone back to school to finish my undergrad, and between that, a husband, a 7 year old who's now homeschooled, a 1 year old who's still breastfed, and working from home, I'm stretched pretty thin.**

 **This chapter contains assault. If you are triggered, this is your warning.**

 **Rey**

I blinked, forcing my eyes to focus on the cloaked and masked creature stalking toward me.

He was several inches taller than me, and at least a hundred pounds heavier, putting me at a disadvantage, made worse by the metal cuffs still locked around my wrists.

"Who are you?" I breathed, trying to buy myself time to figure out a plan.

"I am Supreme Leader." He answered, moving closer.

"What are you going to do with me?" I demanded, side stepping to keep him from getting behind me.

"I had planned on publicly executing you as Snokes murderer." He told me. "But, now that I know that you're his mate." He shook his head. "Trying to torture him is pointless, I know that. Snoke would leave him broken and bleeding for days at a time and it didn't even phase him. But, _you_ …" He purred, and the sound made a shudder crawl up my spine. "You are just a kind of torture that I'd never thought of."

My stomach dropped. "I am _not_ going to help you hurt him." I growled.

"I'm not going to hurt him." Kylo Ren said, taking a step toward me. "I'm going to make him watch while I hurt you."

I felt my eyes widen in horror. Not because of what he wanted to do to me, but because of what it would do to Ben.

I took a quick survey of the room. One exit directly behind Kylo Ren, and there was a throne several steps behind me. He was advancing, pushing me back, and I retreated, until my calves hit the throne.

He lunged, and I easily ducked, then ran around him, toward the exit.

A hand gripped a fistful of my hair and I yelped in pain and surprise as I was dragged backwards.

I spun, bringing my boot up into his ribs, and he grunted in pain. His grip on my hair loosened, but he recovered quickly, and rewarded my efforts with a backhanded blow to my right cheek.

I lost my balance and with my hands bound, i was unable to use them to catch myself, and I fell onto my shoulder.

He was there in an instant, flipping me onto my back and pinning me to the floor. I struggled beneath him, screaming when he grabbed two fistfuls of my blouse and roughly ripped it down to my waist.

I brought my knee up into his groin, then kicked him away with both feet, moving quickly when he fell off of me, and onto his side.

I scrambled to my feet, and went to stand behind him. He rose to his knees, and I looped my arms over his helmet, and locked one under the face place. I used my other arm to apply pressure, and I _squeezed_.

He thrashed, gasping and groaning, and clawed at my arm, trying to pry it away from his throat. He swung his arms above him, landing one solid hit on my face before his hits weakened.

His movements slowed, and after what seemed like an eternity, stopped all together.

I felt him go limp and eased him down onto the floor before unlocking my arms and running toward the exit.

I was able to make it to the stairwell without being noticed, and stopped, closing my eyes and focusing what little Force ability I had on the Bond.

 _Where are you?_ I begged through the panic and rage that consumed the tether between us. I didn't know what was me and what was Ben.

I felt a pull, and knew he was on the other side, so I started running, following it, not knowing where I was, or where I was going,

I ran until my legs and lungs burned and my heart felt as if it would burst, and came skidding to a stop when I saw a cloaked figure ushering a dozen young women through the stairwell.

She noticed me, and pulled her hood back, revealing a mane of curly black hair, and the bluest eyes I'd ever seen.

She looked at me, at the bruises and scratches on my arms and face, my ripped blouse, and her lovely face softened.

"Dont be afraid." She whispered, coming to me. "I'll get you out of here."

She produced a set of keys from her cloak and quickly found the one that unlocked the cuffs around my wrists.

I felt the Bond snap into place as my abilities returned to me.

 _Rey!_

 _Ben_. He was close. And, getting closer.

"This way." The woman in front of me said, pointing down a hallway.

I took a step back, shaking my head. I hadnt caught my breath enough to form an explanation.

"You can trust me." She insisted. "I have a ship ready just this way."

 _Go with her._ Ben said through the Bond, and I didnt object.

We moved silently through the service corridors until we made it to an awaiting craft tucked into an unoccupied corner of the hangar.

I watched as all the women boarded, and had opened my mouth to tell the woman in the cloak that I couldnt leave without Ben, when I felt him through the Bond.

I turned in just enough time to see my mates face before he crashed into me, and lifted me into his arms, crushing me to him.

"I must have climbed a million stairs to get to you." He panted. "The elevator controls are in the throne room, and the only way up was the stairwell, and I tried, I _swear_ I tried to get there."

I held him to me, and tears that I didnt know I was holding back sprang to my eyes.

"Are you ok?" He managed to choke out.

"Yes." I said, and he pulled away enough to look at me.

My jaw fell slack.

The entire side of his face was swollen and bruised, with dried blood around a cut in his temple.

"Ben!" I gasped, bringing a hand up to gingerly move his hair back so that I could inspect the wound.

His gaze was locked on the pieces of my tunic that hung open, exposing my breast band, and traveled up, to the marks on my arms and face.

His eyes hardened. "I will fucking _kill_ him." He growled.

"Kill him _later_." The woman said from behind us. "I can get all of us out of here safely but we have to go. _Now_!"

Ben ground his teeth together. "I could kill him now and end this."

The woman nodded. "You could." She agreed. "Or, you could get yourself killed or imprisoned by any trooper or guard you run into from here to there, and doom us all."

I felt my eyebrows pull together. Who was this woman?

"Fine." Ben relented.

We went on board, and I followed Ben into the cockpit, taking the co-pilot seat next to him.

The engines hummed to life, and I was thrown back against my seat as we went into drive, jumping to lightspeed out of the hangar.

 **oOo**

 **Ben**

We jumped a few times, just to make sure we weren't followed, and as soon as we came out of drive, Rey unbuckled and left the cockpit without a word.

She returned a moment later, but when I looked up at her, I found Severyn in her place, sinking casually into the co-pilot seat and crossing her legs.

She'd removed her cloak, and was wearing a simple loose fitting linen dress.

"I'd planned on taking the girls back." She said, propping her elbow on the arm rest, and putting her chin in her hand. "Those that wont be resold as soon as they're returned, at least."

I didn't respond. I was too consumed with everything that had happened to do little more than nod.

Rey had come to the Finalizer to tell me that she regretted rejecting the Bond, and then she'd accepted it. She'd said the words I'd been waiting to hear, but she'd said them to Hux, and he'd beaten her and done Force knew what else.

Instead of killing him for it, I'd ran.

I'd done exactly what I was trying to avoid. And now, I had no idea what to do next. I had no idea where to go.

I felt Rey walk back into the cockpit and watched her put a medpac on the dash in front of me.

She gently took my face in her hands and tilted my head up, and I made no move to stop her.

"I think a planet on the outer rim would be best." I heard Severyn say. "Away from sympathisers, away from the Core."

Rey washed my temple with a saline solution, and I hissed when I felt the burn of antiseptic.

She muttered an apology and went back to her work.

"They'll hunt Rey and me." I told Severyn. "The sooner you get away from us, the safer you'll be."

 _Who is this?_ Rey asked, through the Bond.

It occurred to me that I hadnt introduced them. _Severyn_.

Her eyebrows flew up, as she remembered the information I'd given her that night on Naboo. _The Severyn_?

I nodded slightly. _The Severyn_.

"Are you two using some weird Force thing to talk to each other?" Severyn asked. "Because if you are, rude."

She was right, we were being rude. "Severyn, this is Rey, my-" My what? Mate? Wife? Force Bonded partner?

I'd spent so long knowing that she wasnt mine, and now that she was, I didnt know what to refer to her as.

I looked up to find Rey staring at me.

 _My…?_ I begged, through the Bond.

 _What do you want me to call you?_ She asked.

 _I couldnt care less what you call me._ I admitted. _As long as I'm yours_.

A delicate blush flooded her cheeks, and she looked down, biting her bottom lip. _Mate_.

"Mate." I finished, bringing a hand up to move her hair out of her face. She smiled at me, her bottom lip still caught between her teeth, and I had to remind myself to breathe.

"Your mate." Severyn repeated, taken aback.

I'd forgotten that she was in the room.

She extended her hand to Rey, who pulled away from me to shake it. "It's nice to meet you."

"You, too." Rey told her.

"We can set course for Serenno." Severyn told me, then excused herself and left.

I set course, then looked up at Rey, who went back to dressing the gash on my temple, and I sat silently, letting her do her work.

"What happened?" She asked, and I told her.

I told her about returning to the Finalizer, Severyn coming to my room. I told her about Hux, the helmet, the fight, and waking up in the brig. I told her about Severyn finding me in my cell, the plan to save the girls that Hux had bought to serve him as concubines, and hearing what she'd said when she accepted the Bond.

She soothed a bandage over my temple just as we were entering the atmosphere of Serenno, where we docked long enough to refuel.

"We'll find our way from here." I told Severyn. "It's better for you and the girls to not be associated with us, Rey still has the bounty on her head."

"Where will you go?" She asked.

I shrugged. "I'm not sure."

She retrieved her cloak off of the back of a nearby chair. "This might help."

I took it. "Thank you. For everything."

She pulled me into a tight hug. "Good-bye, Ben." She whispered.

I pulled away to kiss her forehead. "Good-bye, Severyn."

We watched the craft disappear, and turned to go back into the Port when I heard the distinctive sound of coins jingling whenever Rey took a step.

"What is that?" I asked.

"Oh," She said, going to the pack she had strapped to her hip. She opened it, and the silver and gold coins I'd given Severyn gleamed in the soft light.

"Where did you-" I gasped.

"Severyn gave them to me." Rey explained, looking at me from under the hood of her cloak. "She said they were yours."


	32. Don't Let Me Let You Go

**Ben**

We were able to barter passage onto a cargo vessel on the Hydian Way, a trade route that would take us from the northern outer rim, to the southern mid rim.

I found a square of empty floor between the pallets of boxes and I sat down.

Rey had ducked into a small shop before we boarded to buy food, coming out with a thin cloth bag hanging from her shoulder. She turned the bag over, and dumped its contents, then sat down in front of me.

It was maybe four dehydrated rations, and a mountain of candy bars.

"Ok, I buy the food from now on." I quipped.

"I got water, too." She said, handing me a canteen.

She chose a bar and sat back, tearing into it. "This actually has just as much sugar and protein as that stuff you have to rehydrate, and a fraction of the sodium." She took a bite.

I leaned back against the tower of boxes behind me, listening to the groan of the engines.

Though I couldn't remember the last time I'd eaten, I didn't have an appetite.

"If I ask you what's wrong," She asked, and I looked at her. "Will you tell me the truth?"

I studied her for a moment, her bruised cheek, her disheveled hair, and the layer of grit from the ships floor that she had smudged all over her.

I shrugged. "There's no point in lying to you, you can hear what I think."

"The shields still work, so I can't hear everything." She reminded me. "And, that's not the point. I want you to _tell_ me the truth."

I let out an exasperated sigh. "I've always told you the truth."

She raised an eyebrow.

"I just left out some critical details." I admitted.

She took another bite, and chewed slowly, waiting.

"Fine." I growled.

She swallowed, and took another bite. "What's wrong?" She asked, her mouth full.

"Do you think that I _wanted_ to go back to the First Order?" I demanded.

Her eyebrows pulled together. "What?"

I rephrased. "Do you think I went back to the First Order because I wanted to, knowing full well that I could have you if I just walked away?

She chewed on her bottom lip, before saying, "Didn't you?"

"No!" I yelled, my voice echoing off the metal hull of the ship. "I went back because it was the only way to protect you from-" I looked around, then to her. " _This_."

The crease between her eyebrows deepened. "What's _this_?" She asked, around another bite of candy.

"Rey, we are in a cargo vessel!" I yelled. "With a satchel full of coin that we can't spend, because we are being hunted by a maniac ginger, who's playing dress up _as_ _me!"_

"I'm perfectly aware-" She started and I cut her off.

"I went back because i knew that this was the only life that i could give you, and it is not a life that you deserve."

She frowned. "I don't deserve a life with you?"

"That's not what I meant!" I raked both of my hands through my hair, and when I spoke again, my voice was thick. "But no." I shook my head. "No, you don't deserve a life with me."

Her face hardened. "You accepted this Mating Bond, too." She pointed out evenly.

"And, I'd do it again!" I admitted. "But, this isn't about the Mating Bond. Its about me doing my damndest to keep you safe and I failed!"

Her eyes narrowed. "Do you think I accepted the Bond because I wanted you to keep me safe?"

I swallowed, and looked down, not answering.

"Do you think that I accepted because I thought that this would be easy? Or that we'd ride off into the sunset, or-" She laughed once, without humor. "That we'd actually get along?"

I wanted to argue that last bit, but we'd been alone for twelve minutes and we were already fighting.

She pointed to me. "I am so sick of you doing what you think is best for me instead of letting me make my own decision."

"I didn't do that." I protested. "You made your decision, you rejected the Bond!"

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I regretted them.

I sighed, "I'm sorry."

She got up and stormed off, leaving her half eaten candy bar in her place.

"Rey-" I called, before closing my eyes and letting my head fall against the boxes behind me.

Fuck.

oOo

I found her hours later, laying on a pile of flat, empty cardboard boxes that she'd stacked into a makeshift bed, and she was wrapped in the cloak.

I knelt down and tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear.

Her eyes fluttered open.

"I'm sorry." I told her, gently stroking her cheek with my thumb. "This….us... it's new. And, I'm a little overwhelmed, and I have no idea what to do or what to say, and I need you to be patient with me while I figure it out."

She stared at me for a long moment before she scooted over and held the cloak up for me.

I laid down next to her, and she curled around me, putting her head on my chest.

The boxes weren't exactly comfortable, but it was better than the grooved metal floor.

I wrapped my arm around her, and put my other arm up, under my head as a makeshift pillow.

She was asleep again in minutes, and I laid awake, listening to the creak of the vessel, and Rey's slow, even breathing as she slept.

oOo

We jumped ship at Malastare, then snuck onto a freighter and hid behind a vent in the wall.

I used the Force to seal the panel back into place, and we held our breath when security passed by.

There was barely enough space for us, among the wiring and duct work, and the only light that came through, were tiny slivers from of the freighter floor.

"I don't understand how our Bond works." Rey said, holding on to the piping overhead. "I felt it snap into place, but it feels…"

"Incomplete." I finished for her and she nodded. "It's because we haven't sealed it yet."

"S-sealed as in…" She swallowed. " _That_?"

I felt a surge of heat in my groin. "Yes," I told her. "Sealed as in _that."_

"Our last night in Naboo, when we…" She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Yes." I answered.

Her brow furrowed, because she hadn't actually asked anything. "Yes, what?"

"Yes, that's why I didn't make love to you." I explained. "I knew that if I made love to you, it would seal the Bond. And, once the Bond is sealed-"

"It's permanent." She whispered.

I nodded. "But, you didn't know that, then. You didn't know what you were really offering me. And I couldn't do that to you."

She looked down. "But, you wanted to?"

What an absurd question.

"Of course I wanted to." I told her. "I wanted you that night, the next morning. I wanted to take you on the dash of that escape craft after you accepted."My pants grew uncomfortably tight at the thought.

She blushed a deep red.

"And," I groaned, leaning forward so that my lips were against her ear. "It is driving me out of my mind with how bad I want to seal the Bond here." She whimpered.

"So," She sucked on her bottom lip, the action making my already throbbing erection twitch. "Why haven't you?" Her eyes fluttered up to meet mine.

"Because there's not enough room for me to do it properly." I grazed my lips down her neck, and kissed the hollow of her throat, sucking on the sensitive spot.

She shivered.

"I've had a long time to think about how and where I want to seal our Bond. And, I have no intention of doing it on the filthy floor of a cargo vessel, or in a space where I don't have enough room to lay you out like my own personal feast."

When the freighter jerked as it jumped into drive, I straightened, adjusting my pants, and moved the vent, helping Rey as she climbed out.

We spent the day talking. She told me about what had happened with Hux, and what his plans had been. I told her that if he hadn't bought those girls, and Severyn hasn't taken it upon herself to save them, his plan would have worked. Well.

The thought made us both cringe.

I found a crate of textiles among the cargo and I climbed in, hoping to get at least a few hours of decent sleep before the ship docked.

Rey took my hand that I offered her, and I helped her inside, and moved the top of the crate back into place.

We were able to move in the cramped space enough for us to lay on our sides, facing each other, and I fell asleep with my arms tucked securely around her.

oOo

The sound of the top of the crate being ripped off startled me awake, and I squinted as a bright light was shown in my face.

"Well," a male voice behind the light snickered. "Lookie lookie what I found."


	33. You're Mine

**Ben**

The barrel of a blaster was put to my temple and I held my arms up, palms out. Stun cuffs were immediately locked around my wrists, and I was roughly hoisted up, out of the crate.

I'd thought about fighting, I'd wanted to fight, but my saber had been taken by Hux when he'd imprisoned me, and with the stun cuffs, I was completely unarmed.

"Is it them?" I heard one ask, and looked over to see him keeping a blaster trained on Rey as she climbed out, her hands also bound.

The one in front of me flipped through a holocaster of bounties, and stopped on Rey's picture. "That's her." He flipped the image, to one of me. "And, that's him." He started typing on a data pad.

The first one snickered again. "A million credits, I can't _believe_ it!"

The other looked up from his data pad. "The issuer will be here in an hour, and he wants them unharmed."

They took us on board their ship, which was an ancient Starcruiser that I was honestly shocked was still floating, and put us in a holding cell.

Through the rusty chain link separating us, we devised a plan while the two bounty hunters discussed what they would do with their million credits.

Rey and I would have to wait until we were uncuffed, then overtake the issuer or the bounty hunters, and steal the ship.

The Star Cruiser was pulled into an unmarked freighter, and when we stepped out onto the hangar, we saw a StormTrooper waiting on us.

I slowed, as soon as I saw him.

Because he wasn't wearing First Order armor.

The differences were subtle, but I'd been raised by a General who had helped destroy the Galactic Empire, and I'd spent nearly a decade with the First Order.

And, that was Empire armor. And, he held an Empire blaster across this chest.

The bounty hunters waited long enough for the credits to be deposited to them, and promptly left, grinning like fools.

The Trooper spoke into a communicator. "Can you confirm that we haven't been seen?'

There was a quick reply that I couldn't hear.

"Then, let's go."

The freighter jumped into drive.

The trooper stared at us for a long moment before shaking his head. "I hope you both realize that this all could have been avoided if you'd just listened to me."

My eyebrows pulled together. _What_?

He stepped forward to unlock our cuffs. "Sitting at the dinner table making moon eyes at each other, I told you then. I told you to just tell her about the Bond. But, _no."_

My cuffs clattered to the hangar floor, and I was too confused to do anything but stare.

"And, I told you." He said to Rey, going to unlock her cuffs. "Told you to stay and hear him out."

Rey's cuffs fell as well.

When my abilities returned to me, I recognized their Force signature. This wasn't a StormTrooper. They weren't even male.

"And, I tried to tell you again, right before you left. I told you not to go back, to just go find Rey, and what did you do?" She reached up, and jerked her helmet off.

"You two owe me a million credits!" Ciir'sae fumed.

"You paid our bounty?" I gasped.

"Of _course_ I paid your bounty!" She snapped. "The First Order has a price on both of your heads, and I doubled it to anyone who could bring you to me, first." She pointed to me. "Though you could benefit from having some sense knocked into you."

"But, Hux and the First Order are still looking for us?" I asked.

She rolled her eyes. "Well, yeah, I'm not a miracle worker."

"C, if we stay on Naboo, they could find us." I told her. "If they come for us there-"

"If you continue to argue with me, I will chuck this helmet at you." C threatened.

I closed my mouth with an audible snap and Rey pressed her lips together to keep from laughing.

"I don't want to hear anything else from either of you, other than 'We should have listened to you, and thank you for saving our asses.'"

It was nightfall by the time we landed on Naboo, and I caught C's arm as we stepped off the shuttle. "Thank you." I told her. "I should have listened to you."

One corner of her mouth turned up. "Go on, get outta here." She said, nodding toward Rey, who stood several feet away.

I let go of her arm, and stepped forward, taking Rey's hand in my own.

 **Authors note: the love scene is being revised. you waited 33 chapters for it, and I'm obligated to make it worth your wait.**


	34. You're Mine (Revised)

**This chapter contains: loss of virginity, smut, aftercare, and lots of lemony scented fluff.**

 **If you are triggered, this is your warning.**

 **oOo**

 **Ben**

The house was exactly as we'd left it, and the service droids greeted us when we entered.

Rey turned, as soon as we were inside, and put both of her hands on either side of my face, pulling my mouth to hers in an urgent kiss.

I kicked the door closed behind us, and wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her to me.

She draped an arm around my neck, cupping my face with the other hand as she opened her mouth, allowing me access.

I tangled my tongue with hers, our pants and breathless moans the only sound in the empty house.

She pulled away long enough to jump into my arms, wrapping her legs around my hips as she pulled her tunic off and tossed it to the floor.

I moved my lips down her jaw, raining suckling kisses along her throat and shoulder, tasting the salt on her skin.

She moaned, her arms going around my neck, and her fingers knotting into my hair.

I carried her to the nearest bedroom, my bedroom, holding her in place against me with one arm, and reaching down to throw the thick comforter off of the bed with the other.

I stumbled, trying to kick off my boots, and dropped her, less than gracefully onto the mattress.

I froze, afraid that I'd hurt her, but she giggled, and rose up onto her knees, pulling her breastband up, over her head.

My boots thudded to the carpeted floor as I freed my feet from them, and pulled Rey to me, kissing her mouth and cupping her now exposed breasts in my hands.

I rolled and pinched her nipples, teasing them to hardened peaks, and I bent down, taking one into my mouth and sucking.

Her sharp intake of breath turned into a moan and her hands went to the front of my pants, fumbling with my belt until it was undone.

She pulled away, watching as she unzipped and opened my pants. My cock throbbed, aching for her touch, but she grabbed the hem of my tunic instead, pushing it up, and kissing the scars that crossed my stomach.

I hissed, my hips lurching forward, and she smiled up at me before continuing to kiss up my chest, pulling my tunic off and dropping it to the floor. She kissed the scar that she'd given me, tracing it up my neck and face, then claimed my lips with hers.

My hands left her breasts to go around her and grip her ass, and she squeaked in surprise when I pulled her thighs forward, and she fell on her back onto the mattress.

She bit her lip, watching me as I pulled off her left boot, then her right, dropping them both onto the floor with my own.

She pulled off her leggings, her panties coming off with them, leaving her wholly nude before me.

I knew that she wanted me to seal the bond, to take her then and there. My cock jumped at the thought of simply burying myself to the hilt, but wanted to hurt her as little as possible.

So, I pulled her to the end of the mattress, throwing her legs over my shoulders, and I fell to my knees in front of my mate.

The first lick of my feast was slow, and delicate as I savored her, made better by the sound that escaped her lips. I gripped her hips, licking between her folds until she started to buck, her body trembling, and soft mews came pouring out of her.

I inched higher, focusing my tongue on her clit, and added a finger, lapping, sucking, and teasing until her moans were desperate pleas for me not to stop.

I felt her inner walls clamp down, and her thighs clenched on either side of my face, as she cried out, my name on her lips as she came.

I added another finger, pumping into her faster, and sucking her clit, flicking it with my tongue until she came again, her body going completely limp.

I stood, my pants falling, and tugged off my boxers, letting my aching erection spring free.

I'd wanted to lick my fingers clean, but instead, I took my cock into my hand, pumping once, smearing her juices from the head to the shaft.

She'd recovered enough to move toward the middle of the bed and the mattress dipped with my weight as I crawled toward her until I was hovering above her on my hands and knees.

She spread her legs, a silent affirmation that she wanted this, wanted me. And, I stopped, sitting back on my feet.

Her brow furrowed at my hesitation. "What is it?"

"I don't want to hurt you." I told her. Images of the nightmares I'd had flooded my mind, and I was afraid, self-doubt and insecurity threatening to steal this from me.

Rey sensed it, and sat up, taking my face in both of her hands. "You're not forcing anything on me, Ben." She assured me.

"Once it's sealed, its permanent." I reminded her. "We can stop now-" Because she didn't deserve a life with me. She could walk away, she could go home. It would utterly destroy me, but I wouldn't stop her.

But, instead of stopping, her hands moved to my shoulders, and she pushed me down, so that I was sitting on the mattress.

She moved to straddle me, and I let my hands drop to my sides, unsure if what to do.

"Do you love me?" She asked.

"Yes." I answered, too quickly, the word ripping it's way out of me as if on it's own accord.

She reached between us, and wrapped her fingers around my softened cock.

I groaned as she squeezed, moving her hand down, then up, my erection returning almost immediately.

She positioned herself, guiding me between her folds, and toward the slick heat of her entrance. She looked at me. "Do you accept the Mating Bond?"

"Yes." I said again.

"Say it." She rasped, and I realized that I hadn't said the words aloud.

"I accept the Mating Bond." I panted.

The Bond swirled and hummed, snapping into place between us, and singing to life.

Rey inhaled, bracing herself, and sank down in one swift movement.

The sound that escaped me was something between a panicked gasp and a guttural moan, and I pressed my forehead to hers, sprinkling kisses along her cheek, her jaw, her neck, trying to ease her pain with the whispers of "I love you." That I kept repeating between kisses.

And, Maker Above, she felt amazing, so hot and tight that it took every ounce of my self restraint not to come on the spot.

When her eyes met mine, I saw her pupils were blown wide. "You didn't take anything from me." She said. "I gave it to you." She rocked her hips against mine, and I moaned. "Now, make it good."

I brought a hand up to cup her face, kissing her, my tongue tracing the roof of her mouth. I put my other hand in the middle of her back, bracing her as I rose up on my knees, never breaking contact between us as I laid her back down.

She locked her legs around my waist, pulling me deeper into the cradle of her thighs, and I stilled, kissing her temple as I waited for the furrow of her brow to relax.

She adjusted, wincing just a bit, and bit her lip. "I'm ok." She rasped.

"Are you sure?" I asked, and she nodded.

I moved then, one long slow thrust out, and then back in, and her sharp intake of breath became a groan as I quickened the pace of my thrusts.

The Bond pulsated around us, coursing through us. I could feel her becoming me, and me becoming her, and it felt so….perfect.

She gasped, then she moaned, and I ran my hands up her thighs to adjust the angle that I entered her, determined to bring those noises out of her again.

She brought her hips up to meet mine with every thrust, and her head flew back, her mouth open with a series of unintelligible cries.

I buried my face into the crook where her neck met her shoulder, as my hand went to where our bodies were joined, rubbing her clit in tight little circles.

She clamped down around me almost painfully tight, her nails digging little rivets down the flesh of my shoulders, and then her mouth dropped open in a silent scream, as her back arched.

The flutter of her inner walls dragged me to my own orgasm, and I moaned, burying so deep I wasn't sure where I ended and she began, as I emptied myself into my mate.

I pulled her to me, panting into her hair, and her arms went around me, holding me to her.

I propped myself up on my elbows to look at her, and found her eyes closed. "Are you ok?"

She smiled sleepily and nodded.

I pulled out slowly, kissing her temple, and got up, waiting into the adjoining bathing room.

I set the water temperature and watched the tub fill, before turning the faucet off and going back into the bedroom.

Rey was exactly as I'd left her, and squeaked in surprise when I scooped her up, into my arms.

I called a service droid. "Change the linens." I requested, unable to stand the sight of the blood on the sheets.

I eased Rey into the steaming water, getting in with her, and quickly washed myself, before turning my attention to her.

I washed the slick from between her thighs, then took my time, massaging creams and butters into her skin and shampoo into her hair.

When we were clean, I drained the tub, then wrapped her in a towel, dried her, then myself, and carried her back to bed.

The droid had completed its work and I tucked Rey into clean sheets, then lay next to her, and pulled her into my arms.

Maybe it was the fact that I was exhausted from the previous days, maybe it was what we had just done, maybe it was the fact that everything I'd ever wanted had become a reality, but I quickly fell asleep with my cheek pressed against Rey's wet hair, and I didn't have one nightmare.


End file.
